Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Cycle 15, CD 21 (14 DPIUI)

It was negative. But... of course it was.

On an unrelated topic: I've been noticing lately that TV is getting more and more painful to watch. I can't seem to find any show without hearing people talk about their children: "I do everything for my daughter", "If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't know what to do", "My children are my world". But what about those of us that want families, but are not able to have them? It makes me feel sub-human.

So now, because of my inability to have a baby, I have had to divorce myself from things most people readily enjoy.

  • I've deactivated my Facebook page because the birth announcements, swollen bellies, & first steps felt like small stab wounds to my eyeballs each time I logged on.
  • I've limited my access to the outside world because I find it amazingly hard to connect with people on any topic unless it relates to: injection techniques to reduce belly bruising, ways to compensate for all the hours missed at work due to doctor appointments, or fun topics to discuss with your RE while laying splayed out with the vag cam.  
  • And now, I can't watch TV because even fictitious people's lives remind me too much of what I don't have.  

Is this normal? Do I continue to protect myself from hurtful situations that bring up painful emotions and reminders of what I don't have or does insulating from the outside world actually make it harder? I'm worried I'm falling down a slippery slope and I'm scared the bottom is filled with sticky-goo and I won't be able to get out.

At the core of it, I'm just absolutely terrified this is never going to happen for me. The word "when" is no longer part of my vocabulary. It's been replaced by "if".


  1. Can we be best friends? Like really? Because that is exactly how I feel 99% of the time. I told my mom last night that I was fine with my negative because I don't actually believe it will ever happen anymore. I imagine I'll just live my life in this depressing cycle forever.

    I think it is completely normal to protect yourself. You alone know what you can handle and it is natural to shield yourself from things that you think will cause damage.

    I'm terrified too. I think we all are.

  2. Nothing I can say to that...I guess its that shared terror that sometimes holds this community together. You've gotta do what you've gotta do to protect yourself when you are feeling the most raw and exposed.

  3. I think it's totally normal as I've been there too. Do what it takes to protect yourself and your hubby. I deactivated my FB page almost two years ago and never looked back.

  4. Just to echo what others have already said, I have felt that way too, many times. I think it is impossible not to get weighed down by it all sometimes. But I think, in my hokey Hallmarky moments, that every woman that goes through this is SO strong because we get up and do it again the next month. I know you will make it through and do what you need to in order to survive.