On an unrelated topic: I've been noticing lately that TV is getting more and more painful to watch. I can't seem to find any show without hearing people talk about their children: "I do everything for my daughter", "If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't know what to do", "My children are my world". But what about those of us that want families, but are not able to have them? It makes me feel sub-human.
So now, because of my inability to have a baby, I have had to divorce myself from things most people readily enjoy.
- I've deactivated my Facebook page because the birth announcements, swollen bellies, & first steps felt like small stab wounds to my eyeballs each time I logged on.
- I've limited my access to the outside world because I find it amazingly hard to connect with people on any topic unless it relates to: injection techniques to reduce belly bruising, ways to compensate for all the hours missed at work due to doctor appointments, or fun topics to discuss with your RE while laying splayed out with the vag cam.
- And now, I can't watch TV because even fictitious people's lives remind me too much of what I don't have.
Is this normal? Do I continue to protect myself from hurtful situations that bring up painful emotions and reminders of what I don't have or does insulating from the outside world actually make it harder? I'm worried I'm falling down a slippery slope and I'm scared the bottom is filled with sticky-goo and I won't be able to get out.
At the core of it, I'm just absolutely terrified this is never going to happen for me. The word "when" is no longer part of my vocabulary. It's been replaced by "if".