Sunday, January 29, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 14 (5 DPO)

You know, after reading so many other blogs, I've come to realize that I've *got* to get a sense of humor about this infertility thing. My blog has been nothing but doom and gloom since I started it. And that directly relates to how I've felt this last year. But from here on out I'm going to make a concerted effort to add a little sunshine here and there. At least when I can, because I think it's important. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I've found one that has experience dealing with infertility, so I feel good about that. Maybe I'll even plant a tree. Just kidding. I live in the city- and there is no room for trees. Good and bad with everything, right?

If I could drink right now, I'd raise my glass to you all and toast to 'Laughter while creating babies'.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 14 (3 DPO)

Remember my close friend that got her BFP a few weeks ago? They went in for their 7-week ultrasound the other day. There was no heartbeat. I'm absolutely torn up and couldn't manage to hold back the tears when she told me. Living across the country makes it really hard to wrap my arms around her. To lend the support I know she needs right now. To just be there for her.

I'm also having these horrible feelings of guilt for having such a hard time dealing with their pregnancy announcement. Like when I told her that my heart was breaking right along side hers, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud. Truth be told, we've talked every few days since then and I truly was excited for them. I know she knows that, but I keep thinking that if I was excited right away, she would trust that my grief is real. I don't know.

I was thinking about sending her this handkerchief as a reminder of this tiny baby they loved so much. I don't know if that would be more painful, or if it would be something special to commemorate this little one. I've thankfully never suffered a miscarriage so I'm at a loss for what would be best.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 14 (1 DPO)

Remember how Dr. D wanted me to do a natural cycle this month so we could 1) run a few tests and 2) see if the bleeding happened on it's own? Well, guess what I woke up to this morning? Just 60 hours after my positive OPK I started bleeding. And here I was so positive that it was the Gonal.

I immediately started with the progesterone this morning but I don't have much hope for this cycle anymore. Blood is both toxic to an embryo and active bleeding flushes it out of the uterus. It's not even like we are closer to figuring out what is going on with my stupid body. In actuality, we are even further. I didn't have this bleeding just prior to November. So WTF?

I called my RE's office in the off chance she wanted me to come in for blood work. Personally, I think it's a good idea. I'd like to confirm ovulation. I'd like to see where my estrogen levels are (a likely culprit of all of this). I guess I'd just like more information. But Dr. D isn't big on doing a lot of bloodwork. I mean, she certainly does it and understands its importance, but she also isn't a believer in doing several blood draws each cycle like I know a lot of other RE's do. I don't know. I guess I just wish we had some answers.

My real worry is, what happens next month when we start back with the meds and IUIs. If I go through all that only to start bleeding right after the IUI then we have lost yet another cycle and a large chunk of change. And will continue to be sitting at square one.

UPDATE: A nurse from my clinic just called back and nope, they don't want me to come in. Apparently we have to wait for the biopsy to come back and then go from there. I just feel like getting information from my blood couldn't hurt the situation. It would at least tell us something. Then again, every time I doubt Dr. D it turns out I'm wrong.

And here I had secretly hoped that I'd be one of those women that miraculously got pregnant on her own after undergoing months and months of treatments. Hope is getting scarce around these parts.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 14

I got my double pink lines on my OPK tonight! I don't know why, but it still always surprises me.

My husband is psyched. 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 13

Fuck it. I'm drinking tonight.

If there is one thing that IF has done to me (and come on, there are 5001 horrible things that it has done to me) is make me a binge drinker. I take too much advantage of that week and a half that I'm allowed alcohol. Give me that bottle; it's mine. And don't try to take it away from me because I'll freak out. That said, I'll usually end up in tears at some point during the night because even the alcohol can't take this pain away.

Last month, my friend told me that she thought it best if I take a break from all the meds/procedures. I tried to explain that 'taking a break' is almost more stressful than continuing with treatment. If I weren't in this situation myself, I probably wouldn't understand either.

And even though Dr. D put us on a forced natural cycle this month, I'm just a psychotic as ever. Good days and bad, as always. But I haven't stopped watching my CM, I haven't stopped with the chronic OPKs, I haven't stopped thinking endlessly... about 'what if this is the month'. I guess you just can't understand that kind of thing unless you've experienced it for yourself.

I thought I was crazy that I've come to hate Facebook. With a passion. However, after I started reading other infertility blogs, I discovered I wasn't alone. There were other women that were suffering the same horrifying experiences when they logged on to that godforsaken site! Preganacy announcements at 8 weeks, swollen bellies, and first steps. Just last week I posted an official "goodbye" post. I couldn't deal with it anymore and though I thought I was being strong by doing that, I think I really wanted people to ask "why?". "Why are you stopping posting on Facebook, Tutti?" But only my sister posted saying something maddening like, "Thinking of you." Which made me even more angry.

However, I'm not sure there is anything that doesn't make me mad anymore. I'm not sure there is anything you can say to me anymore that I won't take the wrong way. I think that infertility has damaged me. And I'm desperately afraid I won't get that part of me back.

Fuck it. Maybe I'll have sex with my husband just for the sake of having sex tonight. Or maybe,  I'll just pass out.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 10

Yesterday I went in for those tests my RE talked about last week: a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy.

All I have to say is thank god for Vicodin. And Motrin. And Chipotle's burrito bowl (with guac).

The sonogram was fine and much to my relief, there were no polyps or fibroids or anything that didn't belong in there. My shiny uterus is actually, shiny after all!

The biopsy was very, very painful. But at least it didn't trigger that blasted vasovegal nerve reaction and I made without a visit to the ER or an attempt to end it all with a kitchen knife. Kidding... kind of. Results won't be back for another two weeks or so. So I have my waiting game-face on. But then again, I'm not sure when that really comes off.

Oh! And news from my annual gyn exam. I have a UTI that I didn't even know about. Oh joy. So much for those chronic UTIs going away after my cystoscope a few months back.

Tests, procedures, infections oh my!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 6

When I called to set up my CD2 ultrasound earlier this week, the nurse told me that Dr. D wanted to see me and Mike for a WTF consult instead.

Fuck me. This is going to be the big IVF conversation, isn't it?

But it wasn't and I think sitting down with my doctor and finally getting everything out on the table was a good thing. After all, this was the first consult we've had since starting with this clinic back in June. In fact, for my (and Mike's) sanity, I wish we had done it sooner. Those 10 minute u/s appointments only leave you about 30 seconds to ask questions once the vag-cam is finished its probing. Ugg. I hate that thing.

Here are the highlights:

  • My stinking thyroid: We are going to continue testing my thyroid every month from here on out. Dr. D confirmed that conception was probably not a possibility with it being as high as it was. The problem is, it went wonky sometime during the previous 6 months but we don't know exactly when. So all that Clomid, the IUI, Gonal-F, freaking out, was most likely all for naught. But we will never really know. I had it tested after the consult and it is currently at .773. Not between the target of 1 to 2 that we want, but not low enough for my RE to change my Synthroid dosage either. 
  • Stupid Gonal-F: She thought the bleeding and crazy sore boobs sounded like it was due to a huge spike of estrogen brought on by ovulation. She's attributing it to the Gonal-F, though she's never seen or heard of anything like this before (go figure). The fact that it's only happened during the two cycles I've been on the Gonal seems like more than a coincidence. Not what I wanted to hear but at least it's a reason. She also said conception was probably never a possibility the last two months (which is what I was afraid of) because even if there was an embryo, it most likely would have been flushed out with the blood. So much for the last 8 months of trying. Fuck me. 
  • Plan for this cycle: Dr. D suggested that we do a natural cycle this month. Of course, my stomach dropped and my gut reaction was to whine and plead like a little girl that wanted the newest talking teddy bear, but I need to trust her. She wants to see if the bleeding happens without the Gonal this month (I have a feeling it won't). And though I know our chances of conceiving are only 2% on an unmedicated cycle, I know that giving my body a break isn't a bad thing either. I will follow along, if not begrudgingly. 
  • More tests: She also wants to do a sonohysterogram this cycle to look at my shiny uterus (I'm not sure if it's really shiny, but that's how I see it in my head) to see if there are any polyps. And if my ute gets the A-ok, then she will go a step further and do an endometrial biopsy to make sure there is no infection in my lining. My eyes just about zoinked out of my head when she mentioned this last one. I had an endometrial biopsy 4 years ago. Yeah, it didn't go so well and I ended up passing out on the side of the road after I left my Gyn's office. I woke up in an ambulance with the worst stomach pains I've ever experienced in my life. No joke. If I had a gun, I would have used it on myself. And I don't say things like that lightly. I have a fucked up vaseovegal response (inherited from my mom) which proves to be tricky in situations like this. As in, this is exactly what triggers it. Needless to say, I'll be going armed with vicoden and Mike to that appointment on Tuesday. Lord help me now. 
  • Reviewing old tests: Dr. D is going to request the original films from my HSG. She said that it's not too common, but she has caught mistakes in the original reading of these things. Wouldn't that be a kicker? 
  • Future plan: Provided the natural cycle is a bust (which of course it will be), we will continue with injectables (more than likely not Gonal) and IUIs. The stats show that our chances go up to 9% (big leagues) with medications and IUIs. So we'll be all over those like white on rice. She said we'll see how it goes, but at least 3 more IUIs and then we'll talk... 
  • Future-future plan: IVF. Naturally, it's a last resort but she said that if we indeed have incompatible eggs/sperm, than this is our best bet (I don't know what she is talking about, I get along with everyone). She said it's too early to go the IVF route at the moment (which was reassuring to hear) but that we'll be looking at it in the next 6 months if nothing else works. Sweet, we have 6 months to save up $20,000. Maybe I'll have a yard sale...
Like I said, it was helpful and both Mike and I left feeling a little better. Like we had a plan. Mike was able to shoot a bunch of over-my-head questions at the doctor, and apparently she answered them satisfactorily. Which is good because it makes Mike feel better, which in turn makes me feel much better. So for now, we are able to put some old issues to bed and concentrate on the future. A future that I desperately hope has a positive ending.

No pun intended.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 2

I got a heartfelt email from my friend this afternoon. It's been almost 2 days since her announcement and I've not called or emailed. She was confused, and concerned, and more than anything- worried that she had upset me. It made me realize I was being selfish. So I wrote back:

First off, I want to congratulate both of you. I know you must be over the moon and I'm excited about what this all means for your lives together and for the future. It's huge. Monumental even. And I want to celebrate that with you when I'm able to do it correctly. 

As happy as I am for you, I am overwhelmingly sad for me. I'm not sure if I could ever explain how complicated this is unless you experienced it yourself. And I'm thankful that you will never know. It just makes it really hard to talk through.

I'm sorry for the silence. I've wanted to call or email, but I've just not been able to. My heart has been very tender the last few days. Still trying to work through a lot of complex emotions. Still trying to claw my way out of the hole from my negative test. Just... still trying.  

As much as I wanted to have that squealing phone conversation with you filled with happy tears and hopes for the future, I was just not in a place to do that when I got your email. I will get there. I promise you. It just may take me a little longer than I hoped. I hate that my infertility has robbed me (and you) of this experience. I just pray to god that you understand. I love you with all my heart. Nothing will ever change that. And I hope that I haven't hurt you or our relationship with my silence. That is that last thing I wanted. 

I think I'm honestly looking forward to our talk now. I think I might be ready.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 1

Remember this post? Well, I'm now officially that pathetic infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting.

Back when they started trying, I was already knee deep in fertility treatments. I kind of knew that they would get to the finish line before me. So I gently asked my friend that when they got their BFP, if she could send me an email with the announcement, verses a phone call. I tried to explain that though it wasn't the most romantic way to announce such great news, I just wanted to be sure that I had time to wrap my head around it. Truth be told, I was afraid that I'd burst into tears if she called me.

Which is exactly what happened. But it was more like hysterical sobs.

When I opened the email, if felt like someone stuck a really long knife in my side. And then twisted it. Hard.

Then of course there was the overwhelming feelings of guilt. The greatest news in my best friends life, threw me into one of the darkest places I've been in my life. It only took them FOUR months of trying. I also just can't get that stupid image of her positive pregnant test out of my head. It was gigantic. That is all I've ever wanted to see for myself. Instead I have my period and a consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about "the next step".

My friend sent me another email before she went to bed saying that she loved me. I could tell she was on cloud-9. As she should be. She has every right to be the happiest person on earth. I really wish that I could be happy with her. To have that squealing phone conversation filled with happy tears and hopes for the future. But I can't. I don't know how to fake it anymore. And I'm afraid I'm going to fall apart when I talk to her. That's not fair of me. That is not what I want for her. My negative feelings don't belong there.

When it comes down to it, I am happy for her. I'm just overwhelmingly sad for me.

I know she is waiting to hear from me. And the longer I wait, the more hurt she will be. And I don't want to damage our friendship. That's the last thing I want to do. But... I just don't know if I can do it.

God, I feel like the worst friend in the world right now.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Cycle 13, CD 29 (16 DPO)

I've been visiting with my family this last week. I was supposed to test the day I left home but I knew that wasn't going to happen. Because if I did, I'd spend the entire 9 hour plane ride crying and thinking horrible thoughts. Though it is more common than ever before, I still hate crying in public.

I actually came down with a nasty bug on the last day of my trip: fever, drippy nose like you wouldn't believe, totally stuffed up- the fully monty. It was horrible. My mom tried everything in her arsenal to try to get me to take a HPT because she wanted to be able to give me some meds to help make me feel better for the flight home. I knew she was just trying to help me and I know my reasoning wasn't rational, but I wouldn't do it.

I'd rather endure a plane ride with a horrible cold than to see yet another BFN.

The next day my RE's office kept calling me to find out the result of my test. And I kept not answering. But by the time dinner rolled around, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I finally mustered up all my courage and peed on that damn stick. I already knew that elusive 2nd line wasn't going to show. But it still really hurt.

It was that pain that I was trying to avoid.