Fuck it. I'm drinking tonight.
If there is one thing that IF has done to me (and come on, there are 5001 horrible things that it has done to me) is make me a binge drinker. I take too much advantage of that week and a half that I'm allowed alcohol. Give me that bottle; it's mine. And don't try to take it away from me because I'll freak out. That said, I'll usually end up in tears at some point during the night because even the alcohol can't take this pain away.
Last month, my friend told me that she thought it best if I take a break from all the meds/procedures. I tried to explain that 'taking a break' is almost more stressful than continuing with treatment. If I weren't in this situation myself, I probably wouldn't understand either.
And even though Dr. D put us on a forced natural cycle this month, I'm just a psychotic as ever. Good days and bad, as always. But I haven't stopped watching my CM, I haven't stopped with the chronic OPKs, I haven't stopped thinking endlessly... about 'what if this is the month'. I guess you just can't understand that kind of thing unless you've experienced it for yourself.
I thought I was crazy that I've come to hate Facebook. With a passion. However, after I started reading other infertility blogs, I discovered I wasn't alone. There were other women that were suffering the same horrifying experiences when they logged on to that godforsaken site! Preganacy announcements at 8 weeks, swollen bellies, and first steps. Just last week I posted an official "goodbye" post. I couldn't deal with it anymore and though I thought I was being strong by doing that, I think I really wanted people to ask "why?". "Why are you stopping posting on Facebook, Tutti?" But only my sister posted saying something maddening like, "Thinking of you." Which made me even more angry.
However, I'm not sure there is anything that doesn't make me mad anymore. I'm not sure there is anything you can say to me anymore that I won't take the wrong way. I think that infertility has damaged me. And I'm desperately afraid I won't get that part of me back.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll have sex with my husband just for the sake of having sex tonight. Or maybe, I'll just pass out.