Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 2

I got a heartfelt email from my friend this afternoon. It's been almost 2 days since her announcement and I've not called or emailed. She was confused, and concerned, and more than anything- worried that she had upset me. It made me realize I was being selfish. So I wrote back:

First off, I want to congratulate both of you. I know you must be over the moon and I'm excited about what this all means for your lives together and for the future. It's huge. Monumental even. And I want to celebrate that with you when I'm able to do it correctly. 

As happy as I am for you, I am overwhelmingly sad for me. I'm not sure if I could ever explain how complicated this is unless you experienced it yourself. And I'm thankful that you will never know. It just makes it really hard to talk through.

I'm sorry for the silence. I've wanted to call or email, but I've just not been able to. My heart has been very tender the last few days. Still trying to work through a lot of complex emotions. Still trying to claw my way out of the hole from my negative test. Just... still trying.  

As much as I wanted to have that squealing phone conversation with you filled with happy tears and hopes for the future, I was just not in a place to do that when I got your email. I will get there. I promise you. It just may take me a little longer than I hoped. I hate that my infertility has robbed me (and you) of this experience. I just pray to god that you understand. I love you with all my heart. Nothing will ever change that. And I hope that I haven't hurt you or our relationship with my silence. That is that last thing I wanted. 

I think I'm honestly looking forward to our talk now. I think I might be ready.


  1. Wow. What an incredibly well written email. This is SO hard when someone so close to you gets pregnant, not to mention gets pregnant so quickly and easily. There aren't words to describe it but you did a pretty darn good job.

    Thank you for your sweet, sweet comment on my blog. I'm so encouraged to hear that my words and our story really can help someone else. And yours will too. Keep telling it.

    My sister is pregnant with baby #2 and I often feel some of this guilt that you talked about feeling with your friend. My old BFF on the other hand is due to deliver her 4th child in the next few weeks. My relationship with her has drastically changed in the last few years and we are not close at all anymore. But my sister has figured out how to be supportive. IF certainly turns our world and our relationships upside down.

    Looking forward to keeping in touch with you and cheering you on!!

  2. I totally feel where you are at my sister is pregnant with her first. It will be the first grandchild and it kills me because I was pregnant and having a baby and it went away and now 15 cycles later still no baby. I cried and cried when she told me, uh freaked out actually and not in a good way. It's been about a month and I can now talk to her and be almost happy not quite there but getting closer.