Remember this post? Well, I'm now officially that pathetic infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting.
Back when they started trying, I was already knee deep in fertility treatments. I kind of knew that they would get to the finish line before me. So I gently asked my friend that when they got their BFP, if she could send me an email with the announcement, verses a phone call. I tried to explain that though it wasn't the most romantic way to announce such great news, I just wanted to be sure that I had time to wrap my head around it. Truth be told, I was afraid that I'd burst into tears if she called me.
Which is exactly what happened. But it was more like hysterical sobs.
When I opened the email, if felt like someone stuck a really long knife in my side. And then twisted it. Hard.
Then of course there was the overwhelming feelings of guilt. The greatest news in my best friends life, threw me into one of the darkest places I've been in my life. It only took them FOUR months of trying. I also just can't get that stupid image of her positive pregnant test out of my head. It was gigantic. That is all I've ever wanted to see for myself. Instead I have my period and a consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about "the next step".
My friend sent me another email before she went to bed saying that she loved me. I could tell she was on cloud-9. As she should be. She has every right to be the happiest person on earth. I really wish that I could be happy with her. To have that squealing phone conversation filled with happy tears and hopes for the future. But I can't. I don't know how to fake it anymore. And I'm afraid I'm going to fall apart when I talk to her. That's not fair of me. That is not what I want for her. My negative feelings don't belong there.
When it comes down to it, I am happy for her. I'm just overwhelmingly sad for me.
I know she is waiting to hear from me. And the longer I wait, the more hurt she will be. And I don't want to damage our friendship. That's the last thing I want to do. But... I just don't know if I can do it.
God, I feel like the worst friend in the world right now.