Monday, January 9, 2012

Cycle 14, CD 1

Remember this post? Well, I'm now officially that pathetic infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting.

Back when they started trying, I was already knee deep in fertility treatments. I kind of knew that they would get to the finish line before me. So I gently asked my friend that when they got their BFP, if she could send me an email with the announcement, verses a phone call. I tried to explain that though it wasn't the most romantic way to announce such great news, I just wanted to be sure that I had time to wrap my head around it. Truth be told, I was afraid that I'd burst into tears if she called me.

Which is exactly what happened. But it was more like hysterical sobs.

When I opened the email, if felt like someone stuck a really long knife in my side. And then twisted it. Hard.

Then of course there was the overwhelming feelings of guilt. The greatest news in my best friends life, threw me into one of the darkest places I've been in my life. It only took them FOUR months of trying. I also just can't get that stupid image of her positive pregnant test out of my head. It was gigantic. That is all I've ever wanted to see for myself. Instead I have my period and a consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about "the next step".

My friend sent me another email before she went to bed saying that she loved me. I could tell she was on cloud-9. As she should be. She has every right to be the happiest person on earth. I really wish that I could be happy with her. To have that squealing phone conversation filled with happy tears and hopes for the future. But I can't. I don't know how to fake it anymore. And I'm afraid I'm going to fall apart when I talk to her. That's not fair of me. That is not what I want for her. My negative feelings don't belong there.

When it comes down to it, I am happy for her. I'm just overwhelmingly sad for me.

I know she is waiting to hear from me. And the longer I wait, the more hurt she will be. And I don't want to damage our friendship. That's the last thing I want to do. But... I just don't know if I can do it.

God, I feel like the worst friend in the world right now.


  1. I live in silent dread of the day my best friend gets pregnant. She is planning her wedding now and has repeatedly mentioned how she hopes she doesn't get "accidentally" pregnant before her wedding. ::facepalm:: I wouldn't even know what it is like to have that fear, I've known about my infertility for so long...

    It is a strange dichotomy to be happy for someone, but sad for yourself. It is still a valid experience. You are being the best friend that you can be, given the circumstances, and they will understand and love you for it. :)

  2. my bf is also preggo. when i started ttc 3 years ago this month she had just found out she was preggo.... now she is cooking her second, while i continue to work on my first. its so hard sometimes, but how can i not be happy. the bump, however, is difficult to see.

    i just started following your blog!! wishing you the very best in 2012..... xoxoxoxo