Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Cycle 13, CD 13

I have two best friends.

The first one, who I've been joined at the hip with since we were in the 7th grade, is 24 weeks pregnant. She wasn't even trying whereas I was already knee deep in negative HPTs for 8 months. I resented her for a while. Which killed me. I avoided her phone calls and convinced myself we were going to drift because... it was just too painful. I was jealous and didn't understand why she got the prize and I didn't. It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I could be happy for her AND be sad for me at the same time. Having conflicting feelings like that was uncomfortable. The last two months I've been able to enjoy talking with her about strollers, breast feeding, and delivery plans. I guess I just worry that as it comes time for her baby to be born- I will retreat from her again. I think enough time has gone by that the sting of the announcement has subsided, acceptance has happened, but it's still far enough away to be too anxious and reflective of my own womb. Infertile as it may be.

My second best friend, who I've been extremely close with for the last 5 years, just started TTC with her partner about 3 months ago. We both had our first IUIs within a week of each other. Over the last month, her partner's cycle has synced up with mine- to the point where we were due to test on the exact same day. The entire 2ww I was beside myself with dread. Luckily they got impatient and tested early and I had a few days reprieve. I find myself falling into this routine with them each month- where I obsess over them. Each month I'm absolutely convinced that it will work for them, and it won't for me. They had their 3rd IUI this morning and though I usually call and see how it went- I just couldn't do it today. My stomach is turning and I feel sick. What if this is their cycle? How am I going to deal with their BFP announcement when I've been at this for a year longer than they have? I don't want to be lapped. Again.

And I especially don't want to be that infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting. That's just pathetic. I desperately need their friendship and support. I love them both from the bottom of my heart. They've both been such a source of release and comfort for me. Yet, how can I keep leaning on them when I know how entirely exhausting this process has been for me, I can't imagine how annoying it is to them. Friend burn-out is bound to happen.

P.S. CD11 u/s showed two size 16mm follicles on each side. The third one is either hiding or it was reabsorbed. Due to ovulate by the end of the week. And so it goes.

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