I feel compelled to write at this very moment. The stockings are hung, the condo is clean, our bellies are fully and... I am too. I'm full. At least for this moment. I love my husband more than ever, I'm excited Christmas is only a few hours away, I'm proud of the Christmas Eve meal I cooked up tonight and the creative budget-friendly gifts stashed under the tree. We are in love with each other and are focusing on the right-now. That doesn't happen (at least on my part) very often. And it feels good.
Today I am at peace with Christmas. For the most part. There's just been so much buildup. So many regrets and anticipations. This time last year we started trying for a baby. I had very real dreams of being pregnant within the year. I mean, that's not unrealistic to hope for right? Being pregnant within a year of trying? Unless of course, you are infertile. I just never dreamed it would be like this. One year of trying and no baby. A devastating one at that.
There is a considerable amount of mourning that needs to take place for all that lost time. But when it comes down to it, I'm happy at THIS VERY MOMENT and it's Christmas and I'm here with my husband (who is fast asleep in front of a a movie and spooning our pooch) and thankful for what I have now, and looking forward to tomorrow. This feeling doesn't happen often... if ever... so it's nice to embrace while it's here. Tomorrow is sometimes really hard. Especially during the holidays.
I only wish that I could hold onto this feeling. Because I know how fleeting it is.
P.S. Tried my hand at making onion soup for the first time from scratch tonight. And besides burning the first four rounds of bread under the broiler (what is wrong with me?)- I had total and complete success. Recipe has made the official list.