I sadly realized recently that I haven't lived for the last year. I've been too consumed with my fertility (or lack thereof) to enjoy the things I used to. To enjoy life. To remember to have fun and be spontaneous. To make plans. To grow with my husband. No, everything has been on hold because either I'm waiting for my next doctors appointment, waiting for pregnancy symptoms to show, waiting... for that baby that I want so badly.
Last week, my two best friends (one is halfway through her 1st pregnancy and the other has just started trying to conceive with her partner) both told me that they think I need a break. That I'm too consumed with everything and I'm forgetting to take care of myself. I know they are right. My body probably does need a rest. It's been so pumped up on hormones and stress that it needs a vacation in a bad way. But, even though I know their advice came from a place of love and wisdom- I can't make them understand what this is like. How consuming this process is. How life revolves around mourning the past and being anxious about the future.
Living your life on hold is no way to live. But I'm not sure how to do anything else right now.
I read so many blogs and forums where IF girls are so caught up in God's plan. They have so much faith that He will make it right and take care of them. I'm not very religious and I don't think God has a plan for me. Or if he does, and this is it- maybe that's not a God I want to worship. But I am envious of those that have that faith. Something to believe in besides biology and doctors. Maybe that's my missing element. Or could it be acupuncture? Or an all organic diet? Searching for answers is all consuming.
I don't know how to stop. I wish I did. I wish I could. But every waking minute, is consumed with questions, sadness, anxiety, anger, and a whole lot of being scared.