Friday, October 12, 2012

Cycle 19, CD 44 (26 DPO)

After my last beta, they scheduled me for my first ultrasound. Based on my LMP,  I should have been 6 weeks yesterday.

I was working on getting to a calmer place mentally but facing that first ultrasound gave me quite a bit of angst. First, because I still have those last u/s images swimming around my head. As crazy as it sounds, I felt like it was going to be a scene out of a horror movie where I saw a dead 9 week old fetus instead of the tiny blip of a 6 week old embie. Crazy, I know. But those are the tricks my mind plays on me. Secondly, Mike is out of town on business. So, I was going to have to this all by myself. Que panic.

But I didn't have any choice so yesterday I put my big girl pants on and marched myself into the clinic.

Dr. D and my favorite nurse S innately understood my anxiety. They were both holding their breath along with me. I was mostly ok until that probe was finally in. Those first few moments of silence when your doctor intently studies the monitor and you frantically study your doctor's face in attempts to figure out if it is good or bad news, is almost too much. It's probably only a few seconds, but I could hear the blood in my ears, my heart thumping out of my chest. It's a dreadful moment.

We did see a gestational sac. And a yolk sac. And what looked like a teeny grain of rice floating in the abyss. But no heartbeat. Dr. D was quick to say that it might just be too early. She didn't realize I knew when I ovulated (I only happened to pull out the OPKs because I wanted to be sure my miscarriage didn't totally fuck up my body) so based on this new information, I'm actually only 5w4d. With that recalculation, it is very unlikely we would see a heartbeat this early.

Dr. D then went on to say that when she was pregnant and did an u/s on herself (I couldn't help but laugh at that image- to which she smiled and said, "it's one of the perks that come with the job") she only saw a tiny grain of rice too. But I know it's a numbers game at this point. At my u/s next Tuesday we could see a heartbeat or... we could not. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it in the meantime, except hope.

The good news is I made it through this ordeal by myself. I didn't do it willingly but I did feel a sense of empowerment. Like, maybe I'm not as weak as I thought. Mike will still be out of town on Tuesday so at least I know now that I can indeed do this without him. I just wish he could be there, you know, just in case it is good news.

13 comments:

  1. Shelley's post about moments of anxiety remind me of what you are going through too. This period is going to be one that is difficult. So, PLEASE keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do (we = I in this case). I'm glad that everything is in the correct location and will continue to hold my breath for a heartbeat.

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  2. Of man, those few seconds when they put that wand in are the WORST! So so Glad everything went great and I hope for continued good news next week!

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  3. So glad everything is looking good. You are so strong to have made it through that u/s without completely losing your sanity. Sending you tons of good luck for next week.

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  4. It sounds like you're holding up incredibly well under the fear and anxiety. I know it will feel like forever until next Tuesday, but I hope you'll be able to hang on to that hope and peace, and keep reminding yourself that everything is as it should be at this stage. Thinking of you.

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  5. Woman, your body needs to be more convenient for me and make it so all your ultrasounds are necessary on FRIDAYS! Then I could be there with. And you know me, I would be there whether you wanted me or not. I'm living vicariously through you at the moment. Heh.

    Anyways I am proud of you for keeping so calm yesterday. I know what you mean about being haunted by the images of the last ultrasound. I think about that all the time. But you have shown me once again how strong you are. I am constantly amazed by you my friend. Love you!

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  6. Every step forward is a bit of good news. I will struggle with waiting until Tuesday, so I'm sure it will be near impossible for you. Keep looking forward. We're all hoping for you!

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  7. We're only 5 days apart at this point. Wishing and praying for the best possible outcome for us both! I'm amazed at your strength in going to the ultrasound alone. Can't wait to hear how everything goes on Tuesday! I have everything crossed.

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  8. That heartbeat is coming I can feel it....like I said this is your golden egg!!! And that egg won't let you down!!

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  9. I saved the best (of all the posts I read today) for my last comment. This sounds like a wonderful ultrasound and right where you need to be for 5w4d, which I am so happy to hear! I admire your courage in going alone - that can't have been easy, but you were strong enough to do it. I wish Mike could be there next week too, to soak in what will surely be a beautiful sight (and sound!) with you, but even if he can't, you won't be alone - we'll be there in spirit. Until then, keep tight hold of the hope, and know that we too are hoping along with you.

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  10. I completely agree that 5w4d is too early for a heartbeat, and I am so confident (what with my medical degree from Google and all) that there will be one there next week when you go. I can't wait to hear about Tuesday, and even though Mike can't be there - know that you have dozens of virtual supporters all squeezing into that room with you, rooting for the very best possible outcome. Thinking of you constantly xoxo.

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  11. Hi there! I saw your announcement in the LFCA and wanted to offer congrats to you! I also wanted to say that I went in for an early ultrasound at 5 weeks 4 days and they saw exactly what they saw on your ultrasound. No heartbeat, either, just a sac & yolk. I freaked myself out even though the doctors told me that it was perfectly normal. I went back at 7 weeks and there was a happily beating heart! I know how scary this time is in a pregnancy after going through losses and IF, but I am hoping for the best for you! Good luck to you this week! :)

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  12. I am hoping right along with you and sending my prayers for a strong hearteat. You are so brave to go to these appointments on your own. I've already told my hubby he can't travel for business during any of our crucial dr. appointments. This is way too important for him to miss...and I need him there, good or bad. Obviously, if he didn't have flexibility with his travel schedule, I probably would have lost this argument.

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  13. Here from LFCA. Wishing you all the best with this pregnancy!

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