Sunday, October 28, 2012

8 weeks, 0 days

I'm exactly where I was when I lost my last pregnancy. The significance of this day is not lost on me. If I find out on Wednesday that we still have a heartbeat, this will officially be my longest pregnancy to date. Ironic that it is the unhealthy pregnancy that lasts the longest.

I'm not looking forward to this week. Actually, I have a feeling it's going to be an all time shit-fest.
  • Wednesday: Followup u/s with Dr. D. As I see it, there are three possible outcomes: 1) No heartbeat and grieving escalates 2) Slowed heartbeat and prolonged waiting for the inevitable end or 3) Continued "normal" heartbeat and more agonizing over the 'what if's' and, of course, more waiting. Yeah, no good options in there. 
  • Thursday AM: Appointment with the fetal development specialist (if we get that far). For some reason the idea of seeing this doctor scares me to death. I also hate going to new doctors- the fear of the unknown is daunting. What if their super-powered u/s machine shows me something I don't want to see? Though unlikely, this thought plagues me. 
  • Thursday PM: Remember my friends that found out they were pregnant exactly as I lost my last pregnancy? (No? You can read about it HERE). They are flying across the country to stay with me for 4 days (the trip was planned 6 months ago). Since my last miscarriage our friendship has struggled quite a bit. There has been a distance that has never been there before and I don't know if it is my fault or theirs or a combination of the two. I'm just dreading the thought of seeing my friend's partner's swollen belly for days on end. In my home. I have weird fears about their visit too. Like, I'm worried that if she voices one little pregnancy complaint, I will be down her throat. Or, that she will unconsciously cradle her swollen belly with her hands. I don't even want to hug her at the airport because I don't want to touch it. It sounds crazy, but this is where I am at. If hotels in our area weren't $300/night, I might have asked them to stay elsewhere. But they are, and so I can't. I'm not going to be able to handle this gracefully. Truthfully, I don't want them here. It's the worst timing imaginable. But I'm stuck and have to get through it somehow.
I fired my therapist, Zsa Zsa. My appointment last Monday was the final straw: 
  1. I was talking to Zsa-Zsa about how hard it has been for me to relate to the rest of the world. I used an example of a friend of mine who texted me a few days prior. She was venting about her horrible day. It turns out her three-year old twins were going through a "phase" and she was beyond frustrated and angry. I found it impossible to text back any kind of support because, the reality of it is, I would cut off both my arms to have her problems. When I finished, Zsa-Zsa turned and angrily scolded me: "Tutti, you have NO idea how hard it is to raise children. You have NO idea." I sat there shocked. I couldn't even manage a reply. And though it's not right of me to play the Pain-Olympics, it also wasn't right for her to reprimand me for voicing my struggles in therapy. I shut down for the rest of the session. 
  2. I realized that though Zsa-Zsa has been a sympathetic ear for the last eight months, she hasn't helped me. I have asked her a number of times for ways to cope and strategies to deal with all this grief and pain. But there has been nothing except the advice that 'time will heal'. Gee, thanks. 
  3. At the end of the appointment Zsa-Zsa said, "I know you said nothing is really helping you right now, so would you like to cancel your appointment for next week?" Way to support a girl in crisis. Talk about feeling abandoned. So I cancelled my appointment next week. And all future appointments. 
Now I have to find a new therapist. 

I realize what a horrible place this blog has been. Looking back, there are few (if any) upbeat posts over the last several months. This place has been consumed with sadness, fear, pain, grief, anger, and sadness (deserves to be mentioned twice). And truth be told, it is not chronically this bad in real life, this is just where I feel safe voicing these feelings. So it becomes a dumping ground. However, I hope that at some point there will be light and happiness too. Maybe even some hope (don't want to get too far ahead of myself though). I just want to thank each of you for sticking with me. I know it's not easy to read and I know how difficult it is to find the right words to say sometimes. But with each comment that is left, I feel the support and love. And it helps so, so much. I gather so much strength from you all, strength that is so badly needed right now.


  1. Oh friend, I know how hard it is! I have two co workers due in three weeks. I have watched them rub their bellies and complain for nine months. Last week? I snapped. Couldnt take it anymore and I exploded at the one who actually said "if this baby kicks me any harder I'm going to kick him back". I then walked to the bathroom and cried....
    It's incredibly hard to put on that brave face when our hearts hurt. Thinking of you...

  2. Sending you many many hugs. I am so mad for you. I can't believe your therapist said that to you. I'm glad to hear you fired her! I know this is such a hard place to be in. Vent away dear. This is your space and you need to be able to let it all out in this space. Thinking of you!!

  3. I can not believe a therapist would actually say those things. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I had a friend send another u/s pic to me today and she knows my should be due date is in 2 weeks. I am trying to figure out a polite way to ask her not to do this. I have not figured it out yet.

  4. I'm fuming right now over your therapist! How dare she be so insensitive! You need someone to help you, not just listen and tell you everything will work out. That is exactly why I stopped going to therapy. All I was getting from her was "what your feeling is normal and it will all work out". Bitch.

    I can't imagine how hard this upcoming week is going to be for you. I'd give anything to fast forward through all this shit. If you need a place to crash I have a very comfy couch! Try to hang in there sweet pea, you are in my thoughts constantly. Love you!

  5. This blog is not a horrible place. It is your place. And I am here for whatever you need to voice. Hope and happiness and light or not. Sometimes my phone doesn't let me comment, but please know that I am here!

    I'm so angry at your ex therapist. What a jerk. And I will be thinking about you while your friends visit. I can't imagine more horrible timing for this.

  6. First of all, you never need to apologize for what you post on your blog. In this community, no one comes here, or to any blog, for cheeriness, or to be uplifted. They come because they care about the person posting and want to support them, whatever their mood. And that is why we all come here - we care about YOU, however you are feeling.

    Secondly, I cannot believe your therapist!! That is utter crap and I cannot believe how insensitive. I would want to tell her off (but just cancelling is probably the better route).

    Thinking of you all the time. I hope this week goes by quickly. xoxo

  7. First off, did you give Zsa Zsa a good kick in the ass when you fired her? Because she deserved one! She so deserved one. I'm sorry that she has been no help at all and so proud of you for knowing when it's time to move on. I really hope you can find someone who will help you, and heal you, and understand.

    And I can understand your feelings about your friend's visit. I understand more than I can say. My relationship with my sister has suffered in a big way since I miscarried and she got pregnant and she'll be visiting next month. I'm scared. Scared of her belly and scared of touching it too. I'm so sorry you're going to have to go through that, on top of everything else.

    And please know that it is a pleasure to read your blog, no matter the sadness or pain that rests here. The great thing about this community is that we are all here for each other and there are no expectations of putting on a "happy face."

    I'll be thinking of you this week and hoping that, if nothing else, you get some answers. XO

  8. I'm glad you fired Zsa Zsa. There's a well known infertility therapist who insists that only those who have lived through infertility and loss are qualified for giving this type of counseling. Looks like Zsa Zsa proved her right. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Dee may have some ideas/suggestions.

    Regarding your friends: as cruel as this sounds, I don't know if you are in any place mentally or emotionally to be playing hostess. Honestly, I would level with them. Tell them about your current state and how you are in a position where you are very worried that you will miscarry. That you are grieving and struggling. And because of that, it's hard for you to be around those who don't have similar concerns. Though they may not understand, if they love you they will find a hotel room. That way you have an out.

    In the meantime, please know I think of you constantly. And am continuing to send you a steady supple of love.

  9. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. I am SO glad you fired Zsa Zsa!! I cannot believe she said those things to you. Just horrible!

  10. You have a lot to deal with right now, and I'm glad you have an outlet for you to dump your troubles. Nobody understands what you're going through except those who have gone through it (multiple losses? Check. Multiple IVF's? Yep.) So bitch away to us. Obviously that therapist is a quack. If you need to sneak away while your preggo friend is visiting to vent here, we'll be here. And I hope you get some answers with your u/s this week. You're in an agonizing situation with the waiting and daring to imagine hope. Just make it through this week. One day at a time. Hugs.

  11. I'm hear for you and you know that. When we meet on Wednesday please feel free to unleash on me all you will take my mind off my own news. ZSA ZSA can suck it. I'm so glad you fired her. You will find someone who better understands exactly how you feel. Oh and hun this all of our dumping grounds. This is the whole reason I started writing to vent how I feel no bullshit!!! Those who sugar coat their blogs are in denial. I'm glad your honest. You can lean on me anytime...anytime!!!

  12. I am imagining your therapist as Zsa Zsa Gabore now, all haughty french accent and glamour above feelings, sitting there with a cape thrown over her shoulders sneering down her nose at you. Sometimes my imagination just takes over. But seriously, what a cowbag.

  13. I guess the only thing I can really say is, you are in my thoughts. I really wish you didn't have to go through this crap and it is very unfair. Also after reading your post, I would love to slap the sh*t out of Zsa Zsa.

  14. Please don't feel bad about putting your grief into this blog and having the blog turn into a "bad place." The blog is for YOU and you are allowed to post about exactly what's going on with you at the time. No need to apologize. Although I totally relate--I've felt guilt for being a downer, too, but I think that's pointless to worry about.

    I'm appalled and disgusted by your therapist. I'm so glad you're finding a new one!

    I'm hoping for the best on Wed, and we're here with you if things don't go well. Keeping my fingers crossed firmly for you.

  15. WTF?!?!?! Talk about insensitive! I am appalled that a therapist would say such a thing to someone suffering infertility! Like no shit Sherlock if someone is seeing you to DEAL with infertility then obviously the "trials" of parenting are not quite yet an issue!!! What cracker jack box did her license fall out of?! I am SO sorry. IF sucks and no one should ever try to discount the pain. One another note is there any way your friend's trip can be cancelled? You very much deserve to be gentle with yourself and protect your heart before worrying about others.