Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cycle 19, CD 34 (16 DPO)

A lot has happened in the week since I last posted.

Let me start off by saying, everything went according to plan at the airport. As I thought, TSA was on top of their game and screamed out, "Excuse me ma'am, are you a diabetic?" as I waited for my carryon with Follistim to come through the scanner. I was like a tiger sitting in wait for my meal to arrive. My muscles were tight. I saw my prey. I jumped. Unfortunately I think all that anticipation made my voice squeak as I yelled back, "No, [voice rising several octaves] but I am infertile!". It wasn't the delivery I was hoping for, but I rolled around joyously in that uneasy quiet that came immediately afterward. Mission accomplished! 

I also had a birthday. I'm one of those girls that always had a full 60 day countdown until the big day. Lots of anticipation and merriment would abound. But not this year. This year I turned 36 and I'm officially over that 35 year old infertility mark. Scares the shit out of me. I was able to keep it together enough to share a quiet day with my husband, enjoy a few treats, and not think of the looming year ahead. Birthdays and anniversaries are so very tricky these days. 

While I was traveling, I bumped into an old work friend. I've always liked her and in my new normal fashion, I spilled my infertility-beans on her within the first 10 minutes. She was very sympathetic and all was good until she told me a story about her friend that struggled for 4 years to get pregnant, finally had twins through IVF and then found herself with an unexpected new pregnancy (sans any intervention) a tender 6 months later. I didn't want to come off as a total bitch so I said, "I'm so glad things worked out for her" but then quickly followup up with, "but I'm not that girl. I'll never get pregnant by having sex." 

Except... I am that girl. 

I'm pregnant again. 

Pregnant while benched from my most recent miscarriage. Pregnant by having sex. Pregnant without a single needle stick, ultrasound probe, pair of lucky socks, or visit to the doctor. I'm pregnant without any acupuncture, vaginal suppositories, tww angst, or spending a dime (barring the $300 of fertility meds sitting unopened in my refrigerator). This shit just doesn't happen. Especially not to me. 

I am very, very thankful but I am not happy or excited. I am not hopeful that this pregnancy will progress like it is supposed to. I've been here before. Twice actually. I know those double pinks don't equate a baby. I feel like I know better than to think that now. Right now I just feel really numb.

My first beta was yesterday and it was 735 at 15DPO. That's really high. So high, in fact, that I started convincing myself that this was a blighted ovum, a molar pregnancy, or something else. But my husband gently took my hand and said, "You need to let go." And I have. I've remained calm since and now all I can do is wait until beta #2 on Thursday.  

And yes, I am just as shocked as you are. 


  1. Wow I definitely didn't expect to read the last few paragraphs! I am so happy for you right now and looking forward to seeing the numbers on Thursday!

  2. Wow...cautious congrats to you. Waiting for beta #2 is hellish but I'm glad you've found some calm. I'm rooting for you and your baby. (And btw, love LOVE your response to TSA.)

  3. Congratulations on being that girl! I have my fingers crossed for great news with beta #2. Happy birthday!

  4. Happy birthday and congratulations! I hope you get a great number on Thursday!

  5. Omg! My heart just skipped as a read this. I can't believe it...way for one of us to finally be thst girl. I of course know how scary it is, but am so so hopeful this is the real thing for you. Fingers crossed and prayers said that this is a sticky baby.

    1. Ok, and was so amazed by the news completely did not process the birthday part...Happy Birthday!

  6. Not in order of importance:

    1) Good for you for your declaration at security!

    2) Although I know how hard it is to face another birthday (especially once you get past 35)...happy birthday.

    3) Wow. I really wasn't expecting that! And I guess you weren't, either! I understand your hesitancy about this, but I'm glad you've reached a place of letting go. I'm going to send you all the good thoughts I can muster that this baby stays with you. Congrats, my dear. :)

  7. I knew it! I knew when your last post said 14 dpo and you didn't mention anything and I was HOPING for you that you really were pregnant! How exciting! I know how hard it is to let go...but I will be praying double time for you!

  8. I love your airport response. And beyond that I'm almost speechless. I could not be more hopeful that this it it for you. I might hold my breath until Thursday.

  9. You know how much I love you and how extremely positive I am about this. I'm thrilled for you my friend, I spent the whole day you told me with a stupid grin on my face like *I* was the one pregnant. I just love you so much and couldn't be more pleased.

  10. Holy moly! I didn't see THAT one coming. I can completely understand your fear and numbness, but I can only hope that time and a healthy pregnancy will unfold all the joy and excitement that you deserve to feel. Wishing you the best with your next beta! And happy birthday, my friend!

  11. Ok I had to re-read it a second time!!! I'm so so happy for you!!! I'm sending you so much positive beta juju!! I want this to be the baby you take home so much!!!

    Happy birthday!!! oh and props on telling the TSA where to shove it!!

  12. ::hug:: That's got to be a very big shock for you. Especially while you're still working through your miscarriage. I am keeping you and this pregnancy in my prayers. No matter what happens, believe that you *will be* okay.

  13. This is great news!! Take it a day at a time. I will be crossing fingers that this one will bring you home a healthy baby. xoxo

  14. I had goosebumps as I was reading the last half of your post! Congratulations! I will be excited for you - but I have no doubt that you will soon be excited too. I love reading blogs with BFPs. It gives me so much HOPE.

    Praying for you that this is not a repeat of what you've already experienced and that your beta keeps getting stronger.