Friday, August 10, 2012

Recovery: day 8

I had a talk with Zsa Zsa about my anger. I felt justified with it; she felt like it was very unhealthy. She had some valid points, but I'm so much more comfortable with it than any other emotion, that it is hard to control. But I'm trying. I'm trying not to be so mad. Trying not to be angry at others. Trying not to hate myself. Just... trying.

The last week has been filled with bouts of sadness. Times when I lay in bed full of rage. Flanked by times when I'm able to (ever so) briefly concentrate on work, lose myself in a movie, or cuddle with my husband at night. I'm attempting to return to some kind of normalcy. Whatever that means. I know it'll just take time, but I wish I could just fast forward three months. I want this part to be over with.

It took me a solid two weeks to talk to one of my closest friends about the miscarriage. Strange because she's a processor like me and typically very comforting with her words. When I originally texted her my bad news (I was in no shape for a phone call at that point) I got a return voicemail that just seemed a little off. She said all the right things and on the surface it all seemed valid, but something wasn't right. Was it the tone of sadness that was missing? I didn't know and decided that I needed to keep my distance. However, eventually I knew that phone call had to happen or the fallout of not doing so might permanently hurt our friendship. So I finally called.

She and her partner have been trying to get pregnant (starting a solid year+ after us) and since the IUI is one of the first options for a gay couple, she understands roughly what its like. She has also been privy to our struggle with infertility and our first miscarriage. So when I told her the details of what had happened, she was genuinely sympathetic. I talked as things entered my head and didn't use a filter, vomiting the events of the past two weeks. An hour into my diatribe, there was a lull. I knew I shouldn't have asked, but I also couldn't stop myself. Her partner had an IUI just two weeks prior and somehow, in my gut, I already knew the answer. I forced my friend into an impossible situation: if she told me the truth, it would send daggers into my heart and if she lied, our friendship would suffer a deep betrayal.

Hearing that one of my closest friends was newly pregnant after talking for over an hour about how mine was prematurely taken, was infuriating. I felt embarrassed that I'd let my guard down and spoke the gruesome truth. I felt angry that while she listened to my pain she held a secret so wonderful that involuntary smiles spread across her face throughout the day. I hate that the voicemail she left me may have been the same day she found out she was expecting- and was unable to hide the joy in her voice. The same day I lost mine.

I know my feelings are irrational. I know that she is just an innocent target for my anger. I know that my jealousy is only adding to this pool of muck. I know that she loves me and feels horrible about everything that has happened; that the timing is just cruel. I hate that she keeps trying to reach out and that all I can do is sting her with my silence. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. It's so hard to consciously know what you feel isn't real, yet at the same time it is so real that you can hold it in your hand. I'm ashamed of this, but I can't seem to let it go.


  1. Oh, you really, really shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings. One thing I am learning through all of this is that I'm entitled to feel what I feel -- whether it be jealousy, hatred, or anger. You have every right to be upset over your friend's news. It's wonderful for her, but it sucks so much for you and it's not fair and you can rage against that all that you need to. Hopefully, if she's a good friend, she can understand that, mourn right alongside you, and not hold it against you.

    If it's any consolation (though, trust me, I know it really isn't), I'm going through a very similar situation with my sister. Though my miscarriage happened three months ago, it still hurt so much last week to learn she is pregnant. My sis does NOT fall into the Understanding & Sympathetic categories, so it's created a rift between us, but I'm trying to have faith that this, too, shall pass.

    Again -- I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. And that it has to be made so much harder by someone else's good news. So sorry. I'm thinking of you. ~ hugs ~

  2. Trying is all you can do and anger is completely natural. And I'm no expert, but I believe feeling and acknowledging your anger is healthy. It's at least better than denying it is there! I know that conversation had to be so painful. Just another stab in the heart on top of everything else. I'm so sorry.

  3. Don't be hard on yourself. I think it is perfectly natural to feel betrayed (even though you know logically they did nothing wrong). I don't know if it helps (because I know my situation is not as serious) - but I remember feeling the same way when my sister told me she was "surprise" 8 weeks pregnant after I had spent 30 minutes ranting to her on the phone about rising temps, and clomid not working, etc. I felt stupid that she had listened to all of that and had been pregnant the whole time. It took me a while before I felt comfortable sharing with her again. So definitely be easy on yourself! You have every right to grieve and move through this as you need to. Hopefully, your friend will understand.

  4. I'm so sorry you had to have that conversation with your friend - there's no way you could have known. And I know you feel bad for being angry about her good news, but if she is a good friend she will understand its not you, but the pain talking. Please be gentle with yourself, your pain and anger and hurt are more than justified. While its not good to "wallow", you do have to experience your feelings in order to process them and move forward. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday! ::hug::

  5. I don't think your feelings are irrational in the least. What happened to you sucks, as does IF as a whole. It is not easy for anyone to go through and it is expected, in my opinion, that you will be sad, angry, jealous or all at once. Eventually, I wish for you to be able to add peace and happiness to those emotions, as well.

  6. Your feelings are so normal. After going on FB soon after I got my bad news Thursday the very first thing I read was another happy preg announcement. I almost chucked the computer out the window.

  7. I agree with what everyone else is saying Zsa Zsa is wrong. I think you should embrace your emotions. You have gone through something so traumatic and have every right to feel the way you feel. I think there are stages in grief and you are in the angry phase.

    I too am going through the same situation. My best friend I were due on the same day. I am no longer pregnant, and she is. I had to cut her off for a while. It's okay to email your friend and say that you are happy for her but your are not ABLE to be supportive to her right now. That it is just to painful for you. She will understand. In the long run it will help your friendship. It will also help you heal through this process.