8 weeks, 0 days

I'm exactly where I was when I lost my last pregnancy. The significance of this day is not lost on me. If I find out on Wednesday that we still have a heartbeat, this will officially be my longest pregnancy to date. Ironic that it is the unhealthy pregnancy that lasts the longest.

I'm not looking forward to this week. Actually, I have a feeling it's going to be an all time shit-fest.

• Wednesday: Followup u/s with Dr. D. As I see it, there are three possible outcomes: 1) No heartbeat and grieving escalates 2) Slowed heartbeat and prolonged waiting for the inevitable end or 3) Continued "normal" heartbeat and more agonizing over the 'what if's' and, of course, more waiting. Yeah, no good options in there. 
• Thursday AM: Appointment with the fetal development specialist (if we get that far). For some reason the idea of seeing this doctor scares me to death. I also hate going to new doctors- the fear of the unknown is daunting. What if their super-powered u/s machine shows me something I don't want to see? Though unlikely, this thought plagues me. 
• Thursday PM: Remember my friends that found out they were pregnant exactly as I lost my last pregnancy? (No? You can read about it HERE). They are flying across the country to stay with me for 4 days (the trip was planned 6 months ago). Since my last miscarriage our friendship has struggled quite a bit. There has been a distance that has never been there before and I don't know if it is my fault or theirs or a combination of the two. I'm just dreading the thought of seeing my friend's partner's swollen belly for days on end. In my home. I have weird fears about their visit too. Like, I'm worried that if she voices one little pregnancy complaint, I will be down her throat. Or, that she will unconsciously cradle her swollen belly with her hands. I don't even want to hug her at the airport because I don't want to touch it. It sounds crazy, but this is where I am at. If hotels in our area weren't $300/night, I might have asked them to stay elsewhere. But they are, and so I can't. I'm not going to be able to handle this gracefully. Truthfully, I don't want them here. It's the worst timing imaginable. But I'm stuck and have to get through it somehow.

I fired my therapist, Zsa Zsa. My appointment last Monday was the final straw: 

1. I was talking to Zsa-Zsa about how hard it has been for me to relate to the rest of the world. I used an example of a friend of mine who texted me a few days prior. She was venting about her horrible day. It turns out her three-year old twins were going through a "phase" and she was beyond frustrated and angry. I found it impossible to text back any kind of support because, the reality of it is, I would cut off both my arms to have her problems. When I finished, Zsa-Zsa turned and angrily scolded me: "Tutti, you have NO idea how hard it is to raise children. You have NO idea." I sat there shocked. I couldn't even manage a reply. And though it's not right of me to play the Pain-Olympics, it also wasn't right for her to reprimand me for voicing my struggles in therapy. I shut down for the rest of the session. 
2. I realized that though Zsa-Zsa has been a sympathetic ear for the last eight months, she hasn't helped me. I have asked her a number of times for ways to cope and strategies to deal with all this grief and pain. But there has been nothing except the advice that 'time will heal'. Gee, thanks. 
3. At the end of the appointment Zsa-Zsa said, "I know you said nothing is really helping you right now, so would you like to cancel your appointment for next week?" Way to support a girl in crisis. Talk about feeling abandoned. So I cancelled my appointment next week. And all future appointments. 

Now I have to find a new therapist. 

I realize what a horrible place this blog has been. Looking back, there are few (if any) upbeat posts over the last several months. This place has been consumed with sadness, fear, pain, grief, anger, and sadness (deserves to be mentioned twice). And truth be told, it is not chronically this bad in real life, this is just where I feel safe voicing these feelings. So it becomes a dumping ground. However, I hope that at some point there will be light and happiness too. Maybe even some hope (don't want to get too far ahead of myself though). I just want to thank each of you for sticking with me. I know it's not easy to read and I know how difficult it is to find the right words to say sometimes. But with each comment that is left, I feel the support and love. And it helps so, so much. I gather so much strength from you all, strength that is so badly needed right now.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (3 DPO)

Remember my close friend that got her BFP a few weeks ago? They went in for their 7-week ultrasound the other day. There was no heartbeat. I'm absolutely torn up and couldn't manage to hold back the tears when she told me. Living across the country makes it really hard to wrap my arms around her. To lend the support I know she needs right now. To just be there for her.

I'm also having these horrible feelings of guilt for having such a hard time dealing with their pregnancy announcement. Like when I told her that my heart was breaking right along side hers, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud. Truth be told, we've talked every few days since then and I truly was excited for them. I know she knows that, but I keep thinking that if I was excited right away, she would trust that my grief is real. I don't know.

I was thinking about sending her this handkerchief as a reminder of this tiny baby they loved so much. I don't know if that would be more painful, or if it would be something special to commemorate this little one. I've thankfully never suffered a miscarriage so I'm at a loss for what would be best.

Cycle 14, CD 13

Fuck it. I'm drinking tonight.

If there is one thing that IF has done to me (and come on, there are 5001 horrible things that it has done to me) is make me a binge drinker. I take too much advantage of that week and a half that I'm allowed alcohol. Give me that bottle; it's mine. And don't try to take it away from me because I'll freak out. That said, I'll usually end up in tears at some point during the night because even the alcohol can't take this pain away.

Last month, my friend told me that she thought it best if I take a break from all the meds/procedures. I tried to explain that 'taking a break' is almost more stressful than continuing with treatment. If I weren't in this situation myself, I probably wouldn't understand either.

And even though Dr. D put us on a forced natural cycle this month, I'm just a psychotic as ever. Good days and bad, as always. But I haven't stopped watching my CM, I haven't stopped with the chronic OPKs, I haven't stopped thinking endlessly... about 'what if this is the month'. I guess you just can't understand that kind of thing unless you've experienced it for yourself.

I thought I was crazy that I've come to hate Facebook. With a passion. However, after I started reading other infertility blogs, I discovered I wasn't alone. There were other women that were suffering the same horrifying experiences when they logged on to that godforsaken site! Preganacy announcements at 8 weeks, swollen bellies, and first steps. Just last week I posted an official "goodbye" post. I couldn't deal with it anymore and though I thought I was being strong by doing that, I think I really wanted people to ask "why?". "Why are you stopping posting on Facebook, Tutti?" But only my sister posted saying something maddening like, "Thinking of you." Which made me even more angry.

However, I'm not sure there is anything that doesn't make me mad anymore. I'm not sure there is anything you can say to me anymore that I won't take the wrong way. I think that infertility has damaged me. And I'm desperately afraid I won't get that part of me back.

Fuck it. Maybe I'll have sex with my husband just for the sake of having sex tonight. Or maybe,  I'll just pass out.

Cycle 14, CD 2

I got a heartfelt email from my friend this afternoon. It's been almost 2 days since her announcement and I've not called or emailed. She was confused, and concerned, and more than anything- worried that she had upset me. It made me realize I was being selfish. So I wrote back:

First off, I want to congratulate both of you. I know you must be over the moon and I'm excited about what this all means for your lives together and for the future. It's huge. Monumental even. And I want to celebrate that with you when I'm able to do it correctly. 

As happy as I am for you, I am overwhelmingly sad for me. I'm not sure if I could ever explain how complicated this is unless you experienced it yourself. And I'm thankful that you will never know. It just makes it really hard to talk through.

I'm sorry for the silence. I've wanted to call or email, but I've just not been able to. My heart has been very tender the last few days. Still trying to work through a lot of complex emotions. Still trying to claw my way out of the hole from my negative test. Just... still trying.  

As much as I wanted to have that squealing phone conversation with you filled with happy tears and hopes for the future, I was just not in a place to do that when I got your email. I will get there. I promise you. It just may take me a little longer than I hoped. I hate that my infertility has robbed me (and you) of this experience. I just pray to god that you understand. I love you with all my heart. Nothing will ever change that. And I hope that I haven't hurt you or our relationship with my silence. That is that last thing I wanted. 

I think I'm honestly looking forward to our talk now. I think I might be ready.

Cycle 14, CD 1

Remember this post? Well, I'm now officially that pathetic infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting.

Back when they started trying, I was already knee deep in fertility treatments. I kind of knew that they would get to the finish line before me. So I gently asked my friend that when they got their BFP, if she could send me an email with the announcement, verses a phone call. I tried to explain that though it wasn't the most romantic way to announce such great news, I just wanted to be sure that I had time to wrap my head around it. Truth be told, I was afraid that I'd burst into tears if she called me.

Which is exactly what happened. But it was more like hysterical sobs.

When I opened the email, if felt like someone stuck a really long knife in my side. And then twisted it. Hard.

Then of course there was the overwhelming feelings of guilt. The greatest news in my best friends life, threw me into one of the darkest places I've been in my life. It only took them FOUR months of trying. I also just can't get that stupid image of her positive pregnant test out of my head. It was gigantic. That is all I've ever wanted to see for myself. Instead I have my period and a consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about "the next step".

My friend sent me another email before she went to bed saying that she loved me. I could tell she was on cloud-9. As she should be. She has every right to be the happiest person on earth. I really wish that I could be happy with her. To have that squealing phone conversation filled with happy tears and hopes for the future. But I can't. I don't know how to fake it anymore. And I'm afraid I'm going to fall apart when I talk to her. That's not fair of me. That is not what I want for her. My negative feelings don't belong there.

When it comes down to it, I am happy for her. I'm just overwhelmingly sad for me.

I know she is waiting to hear from me. And the longer I wait, the more hurt she will be. And I don't want to damage our friendship. That's the last thing I want to do. But... I just don't know if I can do it.

God, I feel like the worst friend in the world right now.

Cycle 13, CD 13

I have two best friends.

The first one, who I've been joined at the hip with since we were in the 7th grade, is 24 weeks pregnant. She wasn't even trying whereas I was already knee deep in negative HPTs for 8 months. I resented her for a while. Which killed me. I avoided her phone calls and convinced myself we were going to drift because... it was just too painful. I was jealous and didn't understand why she got the prize and I didn't. It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I could be happy for her AND be sad for me at the same time. Having conflicting feelings like that was uncomfortable. The last two months I've been able to enjoy talking with her about strollers, breast feeding, and delivery plans. I guess I just worry that as it comes time for her baby to be born- I will retreat from her again. I think enough time has gone by that the sting of the announcement has subsided, acceptance has happened, but it's still far enough away to be too anxious and reflective of my own womb. Infertile as it may be.

My second best friend, who I've been extremely close with for the last 5 years, just started TTC with her partner about 3 months ago. We both had our first IUIs within a week of each other. Over the last month, her partner's cycle has synced up with mine- to the point where we were due to test on the exact same day. The entire 2ww I was beside myself with dread. Luckily they got impatient and tested early and I had a few days reprieve. I find myself falling into this routine with them each month- where I obsess over them. Each month I'm absolutely convinced that it will work for them, and it won't for me. They had their 3rd IUI this morning and though I usually call and see how it went- I just couldn't do it today. My stomach is turning and I feel sick. What if this is their cycle? How am I going to deal with their BFP announcement when I've been at this for a year longer than they have? I don't want to be lapped. Again.

And I especially don't want to be that infertile girl with both of her closest friends expecting. That's just pathetic. I desperately need their friendship and support. I love them both from the bottom of my heart. They've both been such a source of release and comfort for me. Yet, how can I keep leaning on them when I know how entirely exhausting this process has been for me, I can't imagine how annoying it is to them. Friend burn-out is bound to happen.


P.S. CD11 u/s showed two size 16mm follicles on each side. The third one is either hiding or it was reabsorbed. Due to ovulate by the end of the week. And so it goes.