Cycle 19, CD 36 (18 DPO)

Beta #2 came back with good doubling numbers.

I've been numb ever since I saw that second line. Numb, dotted with bit of fear. Then last night, out of nowhere, I broke down into uncontrollable sobs. In my desperation to start trying again, never once did it dawn on me that it would happen so fast. And in that line of thinking, if it did happen fast, that I could be faced with another miscarriage. The last one is still so fresh. I still think about her all the time.

It's like I just got pummeled by a wave, was barely able to stand up again, and am looking at another one headed right for me.

But there are things that keep me afloat too. On Sunday when I found myself in a state of total shock, I quickly dialed the emergency-Trisha-hotline. She talked me down and made me laugh. When she asked me what my RE said, it dawned on me that I hadn't even called my her yet. We laughed even harder at that. I'm more lost and scared and vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. I'm terrified that I'm going to drown in this wave. But knowing that you are all hoping for me, means the world. It's the support that I can't possibly give to myself right now. Not now, but hopefully eventually.

To my loves, thank you.

Cycle 19, CD 34 (16 DPO)

A lot has happened in the week since I last posted.

Let me start off by saying, everything went according to plan at the airport. As I thought, TSA was on top of their game and screamed out, "Excuse me ma'am, are you a diabetic?" as I waited for my carryon with Follistim to come through the scanner. I was like a tiger sitting in wait for my meal to arrive. My muscles were tight. I saw my prey. I jumped. Unfortunately I think all that anticipation made my voice squeak as I yelled back, "No, [voice rising several octaves] but I am infertile!". It wasn't the delivery I was hoping for, but I rolled around joyously in that uneasy quiet that came immediately afterward. Mission accomplished! 

I also had a birthday. I'm one of those girls that always had a full 60 day countdown until the big day. Lots of anticipation and merriment would abound. But not this year. This year I turned 36 and I'm officially over that 35 year old infertility mark. Scares the shit out of me. I was able to keep it together enough to share a quiet day with my husband, enjoy a few treats, and not think of the looming year ahead. Birthdays and anniversaries are so very tricky these days. 

While I was traveling, I bumped into an old work friend. I've always liked her and in my new normal fashion, I spilled my infertility-beans on her within the first 10 minutes. She was very sympathetic and all was good until she told me a story about her friend that struggled for 4 years to get pregnant, finally had twins through IVF and then found herself with an unexpected new pregnancy (sans any intervention) a tender 6 months later. I didn't want to come off as a total bitch so I said, "I'm so glad things worked out for her" but then quickly followup up with, "but I'm not that girl. I'll never get pregnant by having sex." 

Except... I am that girl. 

I'm pregnant again. 

Pregnant while benched from my most recent miscarriage. Pregnant by having sex. Pregnant without a single needle stick, ultrasound probe, pair of lucky socks, or visit to the doctor. I'm pregnant without any acupuncture, vaginal suppositories, tww angst, or spending a dime (barring the $300 of fertility meds sitting unopened in my refrigerator). This shit just doesn't happen. Especially not to me. 

I am very, very thankful but I am not happy or excited. I am not hopeful that this pregnancy will progress like it is supposed to. I've been here before. Twice actually. I know those double pinks don't equate a baby. I feel like I know better than to think that now. Right now I just feel really numb.

My first beta was yesterday and it was 735 at 15DPO. That's really high. So high, in fact, that I started convincing myself that this was a blighted ovum, a molar pregnancy, or something else. But my husband gently took my hand and said, "You need to let go." And I have. I've remained calm since and now all I can do is wait until beta #2 on Thursday.  

And yes, I am just as shocked as you are. 

Cycle 18, CD 41 (31 DPIUI)

My delay in posting was not intentional. I got my beta #2 results back late 6/21 and I was on a flight out of town early the next morning. I only just got back and with a free minute to post . The good thing is, all that blood, sweat, and crazy hours I've been putting in for the last 4 months is finally... over. Now we're back to regularly scheduled programming folks!

Rewinding a bit, I left off with a pretty low first beta. I sobbed myself to sleep for 4 days leading up to my second test. And if I'm really being honest here, I sobbed through the actual blood draw too. I worked myself into a complete frenzy and was convinced something was wrong. Nagging in the back of my mind was the idea that nothing as wonderful as being pregnant could possibly happen to me. But the 2nd test came back with strong doubling numbers. And that, from what they tell me, is all that matters.

It was tough knowing that instead of retesting in 2-3 days, I had to wait 11 full days because I was headed out of town again. I was fine for the first few, then I worked myself into a tizzy again. Not just normal fretting, but full on anxiety and certainty that something wasn't right. I woke up thinking about it. I fell asleep thinking about it. I glared at where I estimated my uterus to be and cursed it for making my life so miserable.

Beta #3 came back yesterday. HCG = 3967. Progesterone = 32.92. TSH = .591. It felt like I took my first gulp of air in over a week and a half.

I've always hated reading blogs of recently pregnant women that were consumed with fear. I'd think to myself, "Shut up! I'd cut off my left arm just to be where you are right now." But right now, that's where I am. Absolutely and completely consumed by fear. Fear that I've been given a tiny taste of what it feels like to be pregnant and it is going to be ripped from me. Fear that my body will reject this tiny human that I so desperately want to grow. Fear of having to return to fertility treatments. I never used to be like this; infertility has seriously fucked me up.

I toggle between elation and anxiety every 5 minutes. I feel like the luckiest girl alive yet cursed because the fear is eating me alive. Somehow, I have to figure out how to just... breath.

I've also been hesitant to write this post because I know that every person struggling with infertility that is reading this right now just got kicked in the gut. I don't care how long we've been following each other or how hard we've been rooting for each other, I just hurt you with my news. I feel absolutely horrible for that. I know how it feels and it's devastating. Even though having a child is what we all are shooting for, the last thing I want to do is to make any of you hurt any more than you already do. My stomach is in knots over it.

Cycle 18, CD 27 (17 DPIUI)

Thanks for all the comments and encouragements. You gals are my biggest cheerleaders.

And I know I should step away from Google- but I can't sit here like a dolt and think things are ok when they aren't. I had to research. And what I've found, is pretty damn depressing. I really don't think this is going to work. 

Beta #2 Thursday AM.

Cycle 18, CD 26 (16 DPIUI)

Maybe it was the braids that my favorite nurse-Stephanie suggested I put in my hair prior to the IUI.

Or maybe it the the monkey socks that Tracy sent me for our sock exchange last month.

Whatever the reason, it worked.

Beta #1: 53.06

I'm insanely insecure with this number as Dr. Google seems to think it is quite low. Please, please, please work this time. Oh god, please.

Cycle 15, CD 39 (26 DPIUI)

I can't say that I wasn't a little nervous when the nurse called me back with my beta numbers. I've been trying to remain zen-like in the face of this, but we're in uncharted territory here folks.

My HCG on Friday was 377 and progesterone was 7.16.

What does this mean?

1) I am definitely pregnant, however-
2) 377 is much too low when taking into account when I had my IUI however-
3) Beta numbers are tricky and I need to come in on Monday for a second beta.

The nurse went on to say that there is a very slight chance that I ovulated late- in which case, 377 is a good number. But have any of you ever heard of this? I thought the trigger guaranteed ovulation within 36 hours of taking the injection? I don't get it. Could 1 or 2 follies have popped out and one hung around for a little longer? And then met up with some swimmers from our sexual escapade the night after the IUI? Maybe that is why I had a negative HPT on 13DPIUI, because it was still 'technically' early? I feel like this is a far stretch, so I really don't want to get caught up in it. But it's kinda hard not to.

The bleeding has all but stopped now (thanks to the progesterone) and my boobs are, eh hem, very sore. I'm use to sore boobs, but this is a pretty dramatic change from even a few days ago. When I went in for acupuncture on Thursday, they were only a little sore (and I was warned that the estrogen would cause that) but in the last 2 days, I've gone back to wearing a bra 24-7.

Again, I don't want to go down that rabbit hole because no matter how you look at it, bleeding for 11 days in the first few weeks is... really not good. And the only way to make the numbers "work" is if we make a pretty big exception to the rule. I've always been taught that we are never the exception to the rule.

So I'm in limbo. Mostly thinking that this is not going to end well but trying to keep in mind that regardless, this is a huge step for me. I might be able to get pregnant in the future after all! That idea alone has rocked my world. But then there are these tiny flashes where I allow myself to ask, "what if it works this time?"

Cycle 15, CD 38 (25 DPIUI)

When I wrote the other day that there was more to catch you all up on, I had no idea how much more would happen in the following days. And because this could get lengthy, I'm going to do a list of events as they happened. Lists make me feel more in control, and right now think I need that.

• To remind you: After my last BFN Dr. D put me on a natural cycle with just estrogen to try to stop the mysterious ovulation bleeding, I had a sizable cyst on my left ovary, and she suggested I start acupuncture.
• The acupuncturist that Dr. D wanted me to see was $500 for just 1 consult and 2 treatments. Not chump change, right? Turns out though, this Dr. is an extraordinarily famous (like world famous) infertility acupuncturist. We'll call him The Guru. 
• During this time, I continued to bleed past my regular period and was now on day 6. WTF? I attributed it to my body getting used to the estrogen.  
• The next few days were full of back and forth arguments with Mike about the cost/benefit value of acupuncture. Mike like facts and he only found a few (good) studies that proved acupuncture worked, and those were for only back pain. He feels pretty strongly that acupuncture may indeed work, but going to the local acupuncture school (for less than 1/4 of the cost) would have the same result as going to The Guru. I didn't agree with him and insisted that if Dr. D really wanted me to go to him, I had to at least give it a try. Besides, we'd invested so much up to this point, didn't we want to explore all available avenues? Finally, my parents stepped in and said that as a combined (very early) birthday and Christmas gift, they'd pay for a few treatments with The Guru. My mom and dad both felt strongly that if I didn't pursue this, I'd regret it. So I called and made an appointment.  
• I woke up the next day with an UTI. Fuck me, are you serious? (I've been having chronic UTIs for the last 2 years). I go to see my GP and get on some baby-friendly antibiotics because I should be ovulating in a week or so. Maybe the UTI is the cause of all this bleeding?  
• The the midst of the acupuncture debates, I reached out to an old friend I'd not spoken to in over 10 years. She was a year older than me in High School but we'd always gotten along really well. I'd recently heard through a mutual friend that she'd gone through 7 failed IVF cycles. Let me say that again: Seven. Failed. IVF. Cycles. She still doesn't have a child. I know the gravity of that is not lost on any of you. I wanted to talk to her because I knew she was a huge advocate of acupuncture and I was hoping to find out why and gain some clarity (let me just say for the record, making the decision to do acupuncture or not should never be this difficult, but I am indecisive and toggle endlessly over everything. We ended up talking for a full 2 hours and in that time, I felt like I had 17 "ah-ha" moments. She never lectured me, but she did say, "Tutti, this process is one that you have to experience for yourself so I don't want to tell you what to do or how to act. But after going through all of it for so long, I wish someone had told me certain things so I wouldn't have had to make so many mistakes along the way." It was probably the most amazing conversation I've had since I've started on this journey and I felt like she gave me so much wisdom and the ability to acknowledge my hope again. After hanging up the phone, I felt... lighter. I went to bed and woke up the next morning feeling... renewed. I really hope I can hang on to that. I need to hang on to that. She also ended up asking her acupuncturist if she recommended anyone in my area area (we live in different states). Guess who she referred? The Guru. Huh, that's kind of crazy.
• The bleeding still hasn't stopped. It had been 8 days at this point. Great, so on top of the crazy ovulation bleeding, it seems as though I just bleed all the time now. Then in dawns on me, maybe I'm bleeding because of that cyst on my left ovary? I decide to give it one or two more days, then I'll call Dr. D. 
• I have to say, my consult and acupuncture treatment with The Guru was pretty cool (happy bday and Merry Xmas to me!). Long and short of it, he felt that everything was hormone related. I can't say that I don't disagree with him either. He insisted that I shouldn't be bleeding if I'm on estrogen and to call Dr. D the next morning. He went on to say that my body just wasn't handling all hormones very well and he recommended that I do another full natural cycle (as in NEXT cycle). And by natural he meant: no estrogen, no gonal-F, no progesterone, nada. He said my body needed to get back to its baseline. It was tired and confused by all the hormones. He felt my pulse and said it was 'erratic'. I'm still not sure what that means but he had a concerned look on his face when he said it. Then I went in for my acupuncture treatment with him and I quite enjoyed it. Although, I did find it next to impossible to keep my thoughts from racing. He had me do a full hour treatment because he really wanted the bleeding to stop. Then he sent me home with some cRAzY looking herbs and an appointment to see his associate the next week. 
• The next morning (yesterday) I woke up and was... wait for it...still bleeding. It'd been 10 full days. I followed The Guru's advice and called my clinic. I filled Dr. D in on my symptoms as well as what The Guru said. After listening to everything, she said, "I'm going to follow his lead and have you go off everything right now. What is happening is just not right. I know this is going to sound crazy, but take another pregnancy test just to make sure. Then email me in a few days and let me know if the bleeding has stopped. We'll get to the bottom of this, I promise." 
• Hours later, I cooked up my herbs and holy hell, this stuff is beyond nasty. I plugged my nose and guzzled two cups which made me have to pee. Then I remembered how Dr. D asked me to take another pregnancy test and scoffed at the idea. But for some reason at the last second decided to indulge her.  
• It was positive. 

In 35 years, I've never-ever had a positive pregnancy test. I didn't even know if I could get pregnant. I'm still waiting for my beta test results. Understandably, Dr. D said, "don't get too excited". And I can't- I've been bleeding for 10 days and I *know* that's not good. But it does mean that I'm most likely able to get pregnant. At least, I think it does. I'm trying to take all I've learned this week and see the good in this situation. I'm not scared right now, just hopeful. I'm going to keep acknowledging my hope from here on out and embrace it, regardless of what happens. My life changed in many different ways this week. I'm not sure how it's going to read yet, but my story has a new chapter.

P.S. On our way home from the beta test, I turned to my husband and with the biggest smile I said, "See, I told you The Guru is a miracle worker."