Cycle 21, CD 20(ish)

I'm so sorry for falling silent. It wasn't my intention. Life has been a bit... overwhelming lately. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was my blog writing and reading. So please accept my belated warm, holiday wishes and a genuine embrace for each and every one of you in this new year. I know we are all hoping for a better 2013. Because, well- 2012 can suck it.

To catch up a bit:

- Sometime in mid-December I reached my official 2 year mark. It's been two very long, hard years of trying to grow our family. 2011 was filled with uncertainty, apprehension, and 12 negative pee sticks. 2012 was something else entirely: 3 miscarriages and a whole heap of loss and pain. I know 2013 will bring a different story. I just don't know what that is yet. My expectations aren't deluded or high. I would just be content with some peace.

- I was surprised when my cycle returned so quickly after my D&C. I was impressed with my body's ability to recover (I started a new cycle a mere 2 weeks after surgery). Unfortunately it wasn't that easy. A short fourteen days after I got my first period, I got another. I don't blame my body though- I've been turned upside down too. Dr. D wasn't concerned, so I decided not to be either. I'm sick of worrying about things I can't control.

- You might remember, during my last pregnancy my therapist, Zsa-Zsa, lobbed a few bombs at me. It wasn't cool and knew that I couldn't trust her. But I also knew I was in crisis. Of anything I've ever been through in my life, waiting for that pregnancy to end, for my baby's heart to stop beating, was the single hardest thing I've ever experienced. The anxiety felt like it was being pumped through amplifiers as big as a house. I couldn't breath. I knew I needed professional help. After many failed attempts to find someone covered by my insurance, I turned to the Resolve website. There, I found, Cindy.

Cindy is, in a word, amazing. She specializes in infertility and couples therapy and she is exactly what I needed. I've seen a therapist on and off my entire life- but after meeting with her just once, I felt like it was my first time. My first time with a *real* therapist. She didn't just sit there listening to me vomit out my pain. No. She actually gave me tools to get through it. Things that I could use when I was home alone and felt the walls crumbling. Things that I could use while in my clinic waiting for my second D&C. Things that I'm still using to heal more everyday. She didn't make everything better, she didn't cure my pain, but she helped me survive it- and not let it consume me. I am so thankful for her.

- Trying for baby has been put on hold. I don't know for how long- but it's going to be some time. Healing and closure, in many different ways, has to happen first. More on that later when I can put my thoughts together better.

Much love to you all. I've missed you and hope to return to my regular schedule of writing and reading. This community is amazing and a source of great strength for me.

Cycle 16 (in limbo)

For the first time in almost a year and a half, I don't know what CD I'm on. Think about that for a second. Any woman struggling through infertility *knows* what CD she's on. It's almost how we identify ourselves. "Hi, my name is Sally and I'm 14 DPO" or "Hi, I'm Bruce, and I'm CD3". Ok, maybe not Bruce, but you know what I mean. Right now, I'm just: "Tutti here, and I don't know WTF is going on".

Which reminds me, I've not updated you on the new plan yet. And that's probably because it makes me break out in hives when I think about it. Big let down: there is no plan. I'm headed back to Dr. D in two weeks for more blood work. Apparently we've got to make sure HCG is down to 0 and see where my TSH is at. Then, I guess, we'll have to wait for my period and a new cycle. Last week the nurse said to "hold off" for this month. I'm not sure if that just meant no meds/appointments, or no-trying-for-baby-the-old-fashioned-way. Not that that would result in anything anyway.

I saw The Guru on Monday for a followup appointment. I think love him. Like, I wish he was my grandfather and I could go hang out at his house after school. As soon as he walked into my little room, he greeted me with a warm hug and told me that he had heard what happened and how sorry he was. I actually felt like he felt sorry too. There is nothing hurried or medical about him. However, I do feel like he is a healer. Is that weird? I'm sad that I won't be able to continue my treatments with him. Once a week at $130 a treatment, well, that's  just not possible. Hopefully, I'll be in good hands with his associate.

Oh! And I'm so, so glad that I went to the RESOLVE meeting last week. It was... exactly what I needed. It's nice to know other women IRL that are going through this. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but you know what I mean.

Cycle 15, CD 43 (30 DPIUI)

HCG has dropped to 26. Not much more I can say about that.

I'm ok when I'm distracted. But when alone- it leads to trouble. It leads to trouble because my thoughts get  invasive. They like to ask 'what if' questions. They like to Google things that aren't necessary to know like... due dates. They over think things.

Last Fall when I was going through a particularly hard spell, my mom suggested I look for a support group in my area. I scoffed at the idea because I didn't think I was that far gone. I should have listened to her because I totally was.

I ended up doing an internet search a few months later and found an infertility meetup sponsored by RESOLVE and hosted in the neighborhood next to mine. I contacted them. They meet once a month. I went so far as to schedule the meetings in my calendar. Yet, each month I could never work up enough courage to go. This month I RSVP'd.

The meeting is tonight.