Cycle 17, CD 16 (? DPO)

We were too late. I already ovulated. Talk about a kick in the gut.

Not sure what happened. My last appointment was on Saturday and I had at least one follicle that was almost ripe at 17mm. At that point, my RE wanted me to do one more day of the Follistim at a higher dose but to also keep a close eye on my OPKs just to make sure my body didn't ovulate on its own. And I was a good girl and peed on those damn sticks every night for the last week. No way I could miss it, right? I mean, I'm no stranger to OPKs. But I swear to you that stupid pink line never got very dark. It was only kinda there.

Screw the cost, I'm switching to the smiley face OPKs from now on. I also might start temping again (fuck me sideways). Because the cheapies failed me. Miserably.

There was a chance I ovulated within a few hours of the appontment this morning, but really it could have been anytime in the last 2 days. As my RE said, "In my heart of hearts, I feel like it's a risk to do the IUI today. $800 is nothing to sneeze at". My head agreed with her. My heart said otherwise.

So instead of going through with the IUI, Mike and I headed home to do it the old fashioned way. It turns out, sad sex is not very good sex.

I know I'm not out but lets face it- I am. 12 injections. 6 doctor appointments. 4 blood draws. 1 trigger. And god knows how much money and angst... and hope. All out the window.

I was so excited to wear my new lucky socks that Tracy from A Journey to Somewhere sent me too. Sitting on the table waiting for my u/s, all I could do was admire how cute they were. Indeed, both Dr. D and nurse S commented on the fun stripes as I thew my legs up into the stirrups (I liked not having my vag be the only star in the room for once). Maybe it was some kind of divine intervention, because Tracy actually bought me THREE pairs of uber cool socks. Here's hoping that the sock monkeys or long-necked giraffes have better luck.

Thank you Tracy!

Cycle 17, CD 15

I haven't updated on my progress much this cycle. After 13 days of Follistim and a trigger last night, I'm headed in for an IUI tomorrow at 8:30AM.

And I'm scared shitless.

It's not been a good cycle. I've not reacted well to the Follistim (not many follicles, and the ones I do have are growing very slowly or actually shrinking), my TSH skyrocketed because of the estrogen they have me on (to counteract the ovulation bleeding), and despite taking too many OPK tests to count- I'm still not sure if that line is a positive or not.

I have a bad habit of damning my chances at success before I'm out of the gate, but this has been the worst cycle to date. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I'm just scared it will never work. But with everything I have going against me right now, do we really go ahead and drop an additional $800 on an IUI? The answer is yes, of course. But I can't help but feel like we're throwing money out the window because I'm too stubborn to say when to call it off.

...And I keep getting baby announcements despite cancelling my facebook account.

...And mothers day is coming up and, that hurts. I actually had to leave the store while buying cards for my mom and my mother in law today because the tears just started streaming down my face.

...And my husband is mad at me because I don't want to have sex every day. Givemeafuckingbreakplease.

...And I've had two different people tell me this week, "Oh, only a year an a half? That's not long at all." And maybe it isn't. God knows there are women in this community that could lap me 10 times over. But thinking and hoping and wanting the exact same thing every single one of those 547 days certainly *feels* like a long time.

Pity party table for one please.

Cycle 17, CD 4

When my Dr. D walked in the room at my CD2 appointment on Tuesday, I exclaimed, "I missed you! It's like we broke up for a few months, but now we are back together!" I'm glad that: 1) I am comfortable enough with her that I can say stuff like this because, who are we kidding, I see her more than my closest friends and 2) she puts up with my crazy.

A summary of how things went:

• I didn't get the answers I was looking for regarding the miscarriage, but I knew I probably wouldn't. "It was early, it could have been a million things, there is just no way to know..." Moving on. 
• My TSH came back at 1.58 which means that we can proceed with this cycle. That news alone made me break out into a smile big enough to make my cheeks hurt. 
• When I explained that I had no ovulation bleeding this month, Dr. D looked puzzled. And right on cue, she suggested that I switch up my medications slightly:  
• Starting Follistim 50 iu until next follicle check and then we'll see if we need to readjust.
• Adding Estradiol mid-cycle (maybe). I'm a bit nervous about this because estrogen pushes my TSH numbers up (as we saw last time). My Endo instructed me to increase my Synthroid dosage preemptively if I take it again. I hate tinkering with things that make my thyroid numbers go wonky because: 1) it reacts violently to small changes and 2) the window where things are optimal for fertility purposes is exceedingly small. 
• Changing up my progesterone type. I've already been on Crinone and Endometrin but she said there was one other kind she'd like to try some sort of compounded progesterone? This is because when I was pregnant (but didn't know) and stopped the progesterone I immediately began bleeding and so thinks I may be extra sensitive to even small changes.
• I head back on Saturday for a follicle check. 
• IUI is scheduled (tentatively) for a week from next Saturday. 

Guess I'm officially back on the gravy train. 

Cycle 15, CD 14 (1 DPIUI)

I worked myself into such a frenzy the 4 days leading up to Tuesday. I was absolutely 110% positive that I ovulated. I mean, with all my symptoms, how could I not have? Mike looked at me sideways before we went to bed on Monday night and it made my already sore boobs, hurt more. So when we walked into my clinic yesterday morning, I said, "We need to cancel our IUI". I was that sure of myself.

Since my RE wasn't due in for another 30 minutes, a different doctor [my hero of the morning] who overheard me quickly volunteered to do a quick follicle check. That was exactly what I was hoping for, but didn't feel comfortable directly asking for it. I was totally confident in my self-diagnosis and sure we were going to see gaping holes where my beautiful follicles had been just days before. Because after all, who knows my body better than me?

It didn't take long after I jumped into the stirrups to see the 3 beautiful, round, and huge follicles sitting snugly in my ovaries. You can imagine how I felt like the biggest dolt ever. A dolt with a huge-ass smile on her face. I'd never been so happy to be so wrong.

The kind-RE-that-took-pity-on-me was quick to say that I wasn't wrong to think I'd already ovulated. She explained that with multiple mature follicles comes much more estrogen, which makes any symptoms that much more dramatic. And I guess since I had 3, that made sense. I still felt like an idiot though.

All this means is I had a very successful IUI yesterday. Mike produced a brilliant sample that came in at 22mil post wash (go honey!). I've had some of that mysterious bleeding, but nothing bright red and it's more spotting than full on bleeding. I just hope it doesn't change because I can't take the progesterone until tomorrow.

I'm feeling really good about this cycle; better than I have in a long time. The meds worked. All the appointments [and missed work] were worth it. The money spent was for a good cause. The worry proved unnecessary. The stars are finally aligning. My husband even gave my 'balls of cells' a little pep talk last night. He's never done that before. Although, he could have skipped the part about their mom being overly dramatic.Whateves.

Cycle 15, CD 12 (??DPO)

I feel like I've been pulled in a thousand different directions lately and every time I sit down to write- I get yanked away. I don't like how that feels because I have a lot of things on my mind.

Most importantly, I have this insane fear that I've already ovulated. And my IUI isn't until tomorrow. Here's why:

1) I goofed on my Gonal-F dosage and didn't tell Dr. D. I was supposed to be on 75mg for 3 days and then switch to 37.5 for the remaining days. I did 4 days of 75. I didn't mean to, I just spaced it. I've been being monitored, so I didn't tell anyone. Mostly, because I feel like my RE already thinks I'm slow. I don't know why I think this- but I do. I don't want her to think I'm an idiot. But now I'm nervous I goofed things up.
2) I started getting EWCM last Wednesday. Over 6 days ago! I've never had it for more than 3 days before I O'd. I mentioned this to the RE on staff Friday (mine was out of town) and he didn't seem phased. But still, it seems like a lot.
3) My boobs started getting (very) sore on Saturday. From experience, this doesn't usually happen until after the big O.
4) I felt really bloated Saturday. It could be my mind playing tricks on me but I triggered yesterday (which usually makes me hyper away of my overies) and I feel fine today. I don't want to feel fine.
5) Last night, there was a tinge of red when I went to the bathroom. It's that damn mysterious bleeding again. Thankfully it was a very small amount (less than the previous 3 cycles) but still, that usually happens after I ovulate.
6) I'm an idiot and didn't testing OPKs until Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me but if I was flexible enough to kick myself, I totally would.

I don't know if this is all paranoia, or my meds screwing with me, or if it's got some truth to it. I'm going to mention these things when I go in tomorrow, and I'm really hoping that she'll do an u/s before the IUI. Just more reasons for her to think I'm an idiot, but whatever. The last thing I want to do is spend $825.00 on a procedure that has no use.

This not knowing it just making me feel really out of control.

Cycle 15, CD 5

Wow, radio silence for the last two(+) weeks, huh? Unfortunately, no news is not good news. I got my period five days ago.

In an effort to catch you all up as quickly and painlessly as possible, I'll put the highlights in pretty list form: 

• My biopsy results came back: big fat NORMAL. Is it bad that I was hoping something would show up? I'm desperate to put a face to all of this. Unfortunately, I'm still left hanging. From all the tests I've had, you'd think I was a healthy lady. Alas, we know that is not the case. 
• I finally met with my new endocrinologist. She was great and sent me for a battery of autoimmune disease/disorder tests. She seemed pretty sure everything would come back a-ok, but wanted to cover her bases. Good girl.
• I found out that my 40 year old sister is in full blown menopause. 
• That last one needed a bullet all to itself. I made my mom repeat the news 3 different times because I was sure I didn't hear her right. Apparently this started 2 years ago when she was 38(ish). For the record, I am currently 35 years old. It's not like I've not been shy with my sister about everything that has been going on with our infertility either. Why she didn't think this was important to tell me?! I'm not going to even go into it because I'm so fucking furious. When I reported this news to my endocrinologist, she said that early menopause could be autoimmune related (antibodies attacking ovaries). Next, my RE immediately sent me for an Anti Mullerian Hormone level test. Apparently this is supposed to be a better indicator than FSH and estradiol for ovarian reserve and tell me how far from menopause I am. Still waiting for the results. I just can't believe I'm even talking about menopause right now. I'm sure I'll delve deeper into this later, but right now I'm just pissed.
• At my CD2 u/s, we decided to go with the Gonal-F again this cycle. Since we now know the weird bleeding during ovulation was not caused by the meds, we figured we'd stick with it since I responded well to it previously. She also prescribed some antibiotics just in case I have an infection that is causing the bleeding. I'm not optimistic that is the issue. However, as long as things go as planned, we'll be doing an IUI sometime next week. 
• I started seeing a therapist. It was time. Crazy T was coming out to play too much. Have any of you watched United States of Tara on Showtime? If not, it's about a woman with multiple personality disorder (DID) and all the craziness that that entails. Well, I feel like I have several alters too. Crazy T is my angry-pissed-off-at-the-world-infertile alter. Margret is my I-can't-crawl-out-of-the-black-infertile-hole alter. Bobby is the infertile-alcoholic. There are a few more in there, but those are the main players. So yeah, therapy was the necessary next step. I think I need to feel her out some more before I make my final decision, but so far I think I like her ('I' meaning Bobby).

Cycle 11, CD 25 (10 DPIUI)

This is a dangerous place to be.

10 days passed IUI. I could probably test now. The trigger is most likely out of my system. But it could not be too- and I could get a false positive. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants. A false positive.

And you know the ironic thing? Is even though I'm sure this month is a bust, I will be devastated when I get that BFN. Devastated. I'll secretly test without telling Mike [because I have this fantasy of surprising him when I finally do get that positive- in some fun, ultra sweet, and memorable way] then when I see that blank space next to the pink line- my stomach will drop. I'll get pissed. I'll remain silent. And then when Mike unknowingly says something to me- I'll attack. He'll never even know what hit him.

And that's not fair. It's not my my husband's fault.

Last month I was super hopeful. My 2nd round of Clomid gave me 5 nice and mature follicles. Our RE's "official medical advice" was to cancel the cycle since the risk of multiples was so high. Her "unofficial advice" was to go for it as long as we weren't morally opposed to selective reduction. Morals went out the window a long time ago. So we went ahead and had sex. Lots of it. I couldn't risk missing this opportunity and secretly fantasized about having twins. Instead, I got nothing. 0 for 5. Not good.

After that, Dr. D gave us a tentative diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" and told us that IVF would probably be our best option- but that we should try IUI a few times just in case.

I cried for a week. I felt like I couldn't breath. Everything I looked at was black.

I hadn't fully recovered from last months blow when all I sudden I looked around and the nurse was giving me instructions on how to inject myself in the stomach with the Ovidrel trigger because we were proceeding with our first IUI later that weekend. I had two hue-mongous follicles. 26mm and 28mm. I was proud at first until Google told me that I shouldn't be so confident. Bigger does not mean better. I'm now wondering if they were too mature. Or will turn into cysts. Dr. D didn't seem concerned, but I've also learned that they tend to sugarcoat everything there because they are dealing with hyper-emotional [read: unstable] woman most of the time. I'd do the same if I were them.

The IUI was very simple. Mikes's sample wasn't as large as she would have liked, but that was because she instructed us to have sex the previous morning. I don't understand why she told us to do that if it means the sample is smaller for the IUI. There are so many things about this process that I don't understand. So many tiny little convoluted things. Things that I'm not even aware of. Things that I am aware of that I can't figure out. Things that are related, or not related but still have relevance.

Why does this complicated process work for the majority of the population, but not for me? I feel stupid saying that, but at the same time- how can I not feel that way? It's like I am a small child stomping her feet because the neighbor gave my sister a lollipop but not me. It's not fair.

Four days until I can test. Four days that I can enjoy not having bags under my eyes, or tears streaming down my face for the majority of the day. And night.