Fuck it. I'm drinking tonight.
If there is one thing that IF has done to me (and come on, there are 5001 horrible things that it has done to me) is make me a binge drinker. I take too much advantage of that week and a half that I'm allowed alcohol. Give me that bottle; it's mine. And don't try to take it away from me because I'll freak out. That said, I'll usually end up in tears at some point during the night because even the alcohol can't take this pain away.
Last month, my friend told me that she thought it best if I take a break from all the meds/procedures. I tried to explain that 'taking a break' is almost more stressful than continuing with treatment. If I weren't in this situation myself, I probably wouldn't understand either.
And even though Dr. D put us on a forced natural cycle this month, I'm just a psychotic as ever. Good days and bad, as always. But I haven't stopped watching my CM, I haven't stopped with the chronic OPKs, I haven't stopped thinking endlessly... about 'what if this is the month'. I guess you just can't understand that kind of thing unless you've experienced it for yourself.
I thought I was crazy that I've come to hate Facebook. With a passion. However, after I started reading other infertility blogs, I discovered I wasn't alone. There were other women that were suffering the same horrifying experiences when they logged on to that godforsaken site! Preganacy announcements at 8 weeks, swollen bellies, and first steps. Just last week I posted an official "goodbye" post. I couldn't deal with it anymore and though I thought I was being strong by doing that, I think I really wanted people to ask "why?". "Why are you stopping posting on Facebook, Tutti?" But only my sister posted saying something maddening like, "Thinking of you." Which made me even more angry.
However, I'm not sure there is anything that doesn't make me mad anymore. I'm not sure there is anything you can say to me anymore that I won't take the wrong way. I think that infertility has damaged me. And I'm desperately afraid I won't get that part of me back.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll have sex with my husband just for the sake of having sex tonight. Or maybe, I'll just pass out.
You might have felt crazy while posting this, but from one IF to another: you are so not crazy. I'm sorry you don't know anyone IRL who can share the infertility journey with you. And the fertiles of the world just have no idea. I'm glad that you are part of this blogging community so we can support each other - your post reads like my thoughts on many a night!
ReplyDeleteStumbled across your site. As someone who wanted to get pregnant but couldn't for years, and then finally got pregnant and had a baby, I wanted to let you know that the seemingly impossible is not always impossible.
ReplyDeleteI don't want my comment to be rubbing it in your face. I'm posting this hoping that it'll be an encouragement. This time feels like forever, like "NO" is written in stone, but there is no stone. I recognize that this is hard to believe for you right now, but I hope it bolsters your dream.
Another thing you should know: All of the bitterness and anger I felt when I failed to get pregnant again and again carried over to motherhood. I didn't mean it to or want it to. I was so happy to have a baby, but in those hard moments (because motherhood is not all roses), that anger came back.
So, please, before these thoughts get too deep into your flesh, seek therapy. I haven't read enough of your blog yet to know if you already do receive counseling or not. If not, please do. You will thank yourself later. If you already do, I'm so glad. It's normal to feel this negativity, but it can be damaging.
Good luck.