Monday, July 30, 2012

Standing still: day 5


The hate took hold by the time I pushed my way out of the Ob's office. The waiting room was filled with swollen bellies, new  moms, and crying babes. Fuck them. I wanted to hiss at them. I wanted to scream at those women that they will never understand how lucky they are. I wanted to claw at them and show them how their petty complains of swollen ankles or lack of sleep could never compare to my imploded heart. I'm scared at how full of hate I am. Fuck me.

In a situation where there is no right or safe answer, I think I'm going to go forward with the D&C. I'm terrified of this just as much as I'm terrified of the alternative. There is no comfort or relief with this choice, there is only second guessing and all consuming fear.

I started bleeding last night. The red blood, though I knew it was coming, made my knees buckle and a wail erupt from a very deep place. I'm petrified my body won't wait for the surgery and that I'm going to have to do this alone.

I'm angry at Mike for changing his mind on which direction we're going. I've been looking to him as the stable one, the logical one, the one that can make the right decision when I cannot. But his lack of being proactive has unnecessarily prolonged this process. Every second of every day, the fear of this dead thing consumes me. I'm terrified that I will forever blame my husband if it is too late.  

I slept next to a pile of towels and a bottle of Vicoden. This is not how things were supposed to happen. Since Thursday, I can't be alone without gruesome thoughts creeping into my head. For the few moments I have slept, I've been plagued by horrifying dreams of steep cliffs and dark places. I'm scared to close my eyes.

A year and a half of infertility caused thousands of hairline fractures in my marriage. Repeated loss has turned those into deep cravases. Mike doesn't understand my grief and thinks I'm over reacting. I don't understand his lack of compassion and question why he is so removed. Instead of finding strength in each other, we are further apart than we have ever been. I'm afraid of my marriage may not be strong enough.

My Ob didn't seem to think my Hashi's was to blame for this. So what then? 25-30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. The number plummets to 5% for those that have two consecutive miscarriages. The stats are not in my favor. I'm frightened of what this repeated pregnancy loss means.

I feel sick when I think about returning to the clinic. I walked out those doors two weeks ago so proud, but today I'll be returning with my eyes adverted, shoulders rounded, and forever looking fearfully behind me. The appointments, the injections, the speculums, and pregnancy tests are almost too much to return to. The fear of continuing fertility treatments scares me just as much as choosing not to.

The girl I used to be, so generous with unsolicited smiles, compassion, and love for herself and others, is hardening into something that is almost unrecognizable. The irrational desire to lash out and hurt people that don't deserve it is bound to drive everyone away. I'm afraid that this hate and anger has forever changed who I am.

I'm just so fucking scared.


  1. Here from LFCA. No one should EVER have to go through this, and I'm so sorry that you're going through it now.

    For what it's worth, I had three miscarriages in the space of a year, and had D&Es (similar to a D&C) for all of them. I can't compare it with a natural miscarriage because I never had one, but I'm very glad that I made the choice that I did to have the D&Es. It was fairly quick, very final, not horribly painful, and allowed me to begin to heal emotionally faster than waiting out a natural miscarriage. Of course there are risks, but in my case, even after 3 of them, my fertility was not compromised.
    There is nothing easy about this choice, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss. There's no "wrong" decision, and you just need to do what you feel is best for you.

  2. You may not want to hear it right now, so disregard if that's the case, I mean no offense! But, is therapy an option? (I forget if you've mentioned seeing a therapist before). I think what you are feeling is completely normal given what you are going through, but therapy and some temporary medication might help. After my sister miscarried her triplets, she was found to have PTSD symptoms. Counseling and meds really helped her get through the blackest of days. Just a thought, feel free to ignore it if its not your cup of tea.

  3. I'm so sorry, and your anger is justified. All of it. This is completely unfair, and the preggos at the office probably don't realize how good they have it.

    You are not alone in feeling mad at your husband. My husband wasn't very upset about my first miscarriage and I felt lonely, hurt, and misunderstood. I think in general, women understand this better.

    I hope your D&C is soon so you can have that part behind you.

  4. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. RE: the D&C - don't freak out too much about the alternative. Having gone through both "methods of miscarriage" I can tell you that there isn't much of a difference. I know it's not comforting at all - but there you have it.
    I'm going to get a little graphic here:
    hot compresses and painkillers should be your new best friends. if you feel your ute contracting heavily just get yourself to the toilet and DON'T LOOK DOWN. It should pass quickly.
    If bleeding gets so heavy that you soak through a pad in less than an hour get thee to the ER stat.
    As for your husband - give him time. The thing that sucks most about this kind of loss is that our bodies are what feel them most heavily. People are conditioned to ignore early pregnancy loss. That's probably what's happening with him now. Don't be afraid to let him in on how you're feeling. He will get it eventually, I think.
    Please please please remember to take care of yourself. Email me if you need any help. Sending a hug.

  5. I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. I'm just so so sorry, there's really nothing more to say -- except I agree with everything Mo said above about going through the whole process naturally, if that's what it comes to. And when I was going through my own miscarriage, someone told me the best advice anyone ever gave her was to be kind to herself at this tough time. And it's so true...just be gentle with yourself right now. Thinking of you.

  6. I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. I agree with Mo - I'm a 5-time pregnancy loser, 3 natural m/cs (one of which required a D&C - that was my first), and 2 D&Cs. I have actually come to prefer the natural m/c - just don't look into the toilet if you can help it. It really does pass quickly (with my last m/c, I bled for about 1.5 days before my body was ready to complete the process, passed everything, and bled maybe one more day). It isn't comfortable, but neither is a D&C; you'll be okay if your body can't wait.
    My husband and I, too, suffered a dark period during my losses. It was all I could ever think of, all day long. I was super angry at him because he didn't seem to care, and also because he had a kid from a previous relationship so I was carrying all the guilt, shame, etc. We did heal (and no, we did not have a baby - I quit trying), but we are in a good place now. Know that your husband does feel this all as deeply as you do, and perhaps his saying you are overreacting is probably his awkward way of dealing with it.
    I'll be thinking of you.

  7. **hugs** I wish there was something I could do to take this pain away. This is very scary, painful and unfair. I'll be thinking of you.

  8. I can feel your pain like it is my own through this post. In a way, it is my own. There may be nothing to do right now other than feel your anger. You're entitled.

  9. I'm so sorry you are going through this -- noone should have to. I'm especially sorry to hear that your relationship is struggling and that when you should be able to draw comfort from each other the most, it's just not possible. IF is so very hard on relationships of all kinds. Take good care of yourself and I hope this chapter of the nightmare is over for you soon!

  10. Hi, I'm here from LFCA. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses. I suffered from RPL too and understand the deep, personal grief involved in each loss. I wish you well on your journey.

  11. Reading this post makes me wish I could be there to give you a hug. It's so cruel that women who are experiencing a loss have to be grouped with those who are merrily clueless. I'm not suggesting that they hide us, but the whole waiting-room experience is too much.

    Regarding your relationship with Mike: one of the things Grey told me is that most guys tend to process their grief later after the dust has settled. I've witnessed this first-hand with him as his anger and sense of despair really started a couple of months after our last miscarriage. As strange as this sounds, give it some time. Focus on yourself and getting through this time. Sure, it sucks that your partner isn't as supportive as you want him to be at the moment, but now isn't the time to dissect that as you both are grieving (he is too, even if he doesn't know it yet).

    Thinking of you today and sending you peace and love.