Saturday, July 28, 2012

Standing still: day 3

Disclaimer: This blog will not be pleasant for a while. I'm not going to censor myself because frankly, this is the only place I have where I can openly voice what is happening.

I've only gotten a few hours of sleep since Thursday. Because every time I close my eyes, I either see what could have been or the image of my dead baby on the ultra sound monitor. And yes, it had grown enough in the last week and a half to resemble a little human form.

The knife goes in deeper.

And if it weren't enough to grieve the child I finally allowed to hold all my hopes and dreams, I'm forced to make a decision on how, exactly, I would like to expel it from my body. They've given me 2 choices, both of which carry risks and terrify me beyond words.

A natural miscarriage seems straightforward enough, but the process is, from what I hear, excruciatingly painful. You labor the fetus until it is out, by yourself, completely unaided. I guess they don't have labor and delivery classes for women with dead babies. Or maybe I just haven't earned enough points as a mother yet. Whatever the case, there is approximately a 10% risk of developing a severe infection if all the tissue doesn't expel on its own. If this happens, you have to have a D&C anyway. Sounds like a fun way to spend the afternoon, no? Oh, that's not quite right, it could take over a month for the bleeding to stop.

Or, there is the D&C- a surgical extraction of the fetus. You wake up groggy, in pain, and... empty. Sounds like the easier route to take, but there is an approximately 13% chance of complications due to the anesthesia or permanent scarring of the uterus, which of course, could render you permanently infertile. Oh the irony.

Two really great choices, how ever will I ever pick? But just maybe, while I am in the process of making this decision, my body will force my hand. It is a surreal feeling knowing that literally at any moment, the spotting that has already started, could turn into red blood and I'd be forced to my knees. Not that I'm really in the mood to go shopping at the mall or for a picnic at the beach right now... but still.

I cancelled the D&C that was scheduled by my Ob for Monday. For several reasons I was mad at her and didn't know if I trusted her to do the procedure. There is also the very real possibility that I'm just shooting the messenger because she was the one that delivered the bad news. However, the only doctor I *do* trust is Dr. D, and she is out of the country until early August.

So, I have scheduled a consult on Monday with Dr. D's partner instead. She spent some time on the phone with me yesterday and talked me through the options- something my Ob did not do which left me feeling very scared, very confused, and entirely alone. Mike will be coming with me because he's really concerned about the D&C and scarring. In his mind, he'd rather me go through the pain of a natural miscarriage if it means my fertility is preserved. Which, I totally get and I'm glad he is there to think logically because at this point, I've pretty much shut down. But I'm just so scared to have a natural miscarriage. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally handle it. I'm hopeful that Dr. S will somehow give us the direction we need. But in reality I know that she will just present us with the facts and tell us that this is a personal decision that we must make on our own.

In the meantime, I just want to curl up and die.


  1. Oh honey I wish I could give you some answers right now but I understand there is not a clear cut or easy answer. I'm just so devastated that you even have to make this decision. Just know I've been thinking about you every second of everyday. I love you so much and I'm here for you if you need me.

  2. I am so sorry. There is no good option and I am so sorry you have to make this decision. I have no good advice, I just want to let you know I am here, and I care. Thinking of you.

  3. I'm so, so sorry. Can you take something to help you sleep? Benadryl or something? Sleep is crucial.

    I think you made a good choice cancelling a D&C with a doc you don't trust. I hope the one you see on Mon is better. I know well the feeling of dread when you're waiting to start bleeding. So, so sorry.

    Go with your instincts here. Both options have risks, and from what my doctors have said, it's really about what you're more comfortable with.

  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through this and so sorry for the loss of your little babe. I had to make the same decision when I lost our baby in April -- D & C or a natural miscarriage. I chose the latter and it WAS painful, but for me, it came in waves. A few hours would be really painful and the bleeding very heavy and then it would get easier for a while. If that's the way you go, I just recommend lots and lots of ibuprofen. I know this is not easy and I just hope for you strength and peace and eventually a healing heart. ~ hugs ~

  5. I just want to bundle you up in a hug and cry right along with you. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. I hope after your conversation with the other doctor you are able to more easily make a decision about what to do. Sending you all my love!

  6. LFCA -- I've never been there, so I don't know ... but is there any reason why your ob won't induce you in the hospital so you can get pain relief and have it over as quickly as possible? It seems like that would be less traumatic than the D&C, and miscarrying naturally alone, with no drugs, just seems cruel.

  7. Saw your news on LFCA. It's such a cruel place to be ... I'm so sorry. They gave me that choice, and thankfully my body chose for me ... but it's hard either way. Sending hugs, and hoping that you find some way to be gentle to yourself.

  8. LFCA I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Choose whatever you feel most ok with. Make sure you're thoroughly informed about both because I wasn't and ended up in a lot of unexpected pain.

    Most importantly, remember to breathe. You are not alone. Sending prayers and wishes your way.

  9. Here through the LFCA. I just have had a missed miscarriage myself(sadly, my 3rd) and I'm debating this option myself.

    I've had D&Cs twice in the past, and they have been very easy on me, no muss, no fuss, they got all the tissue out, sent it off for karyotyping (absolute priority), no scarring after.

    Yet, that risk remains. I still have not figured out what I will do this time, i am far too conflicted.

    I'm really so very sorry you are going through this, it is such a traumatic process

  10. I'm here from LFCA. I am so very sorry you are going through this and need to make this type of decision. It sounds like you made a good decision to not go through the D&C with a doctor you did not trust completely. I hope things go well with the other doctor.

    You'll need to decide what you are most comfortable with and maybe, like you said your body will make the decision. I've gone through 3 natural miscarriages and while extrememly difficult there is a part of me that is greatful that I have not had to go through a D&C. Thinking of you.

  11. Been slowly catching up on my reader and wanted to comment on these posts. I too had to make the decision between a natural miscarriage and a D&C. A decision I never wish on anyone. I think what it comes down to is how you feel about carry a pregnancy that is no longer viable. Some women chose to let their body do the work. Others (I fell into this category) can't imagine continuing to carry. Neither decision is wrong, it's just a matter of what you can live with.

    Again, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks that you are once again here. This is completely unfair.