Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Cycle 18, CD 41 (31 DPIUI)

My delay in posting was not intentional. I got my beta #2 results back late 6/21 and I was on a flight out of town early the next morning. I only just got back and with a free minute to post . The good thing is, all that blood, sweat, and crazy hours I've been putting in for the last 4 months is finally... over. Now we're back to regularly scheduled programming folks!

Rewinding a bit, I left off with a pretty low first beta. I sobbed myself to sleep for 4 days leading up to my second test. And if I'm really being honest here, I sobbed through the actual blood draw too. I worked myself into a complete frenzy and was convinced something was wrong. Nagging in the back of my mind was the idea that nothing as wonderful as being pregnant could possibly happen to me. But the 2nd test came back with strong doubling numbers. And that, from what they tell me, is all that matters.

It was tough knowing that instead of retesting in 2-3 days, I had to wait 11 full days because I was headed out of town again. I was fine for the first few, then I worked myself into a tizzy again. Not just normal fretting, but full on anxiety and certainty that something wasn't right. I woke up thinking about it. I fell asleep thinking about it. I glared at where I estimated my uterus to be and cursed it for making my life so miserable.

Beta #3 came back yesterday. HCG = 3967. Progesterone = 32.92. TSH = .591. It felt like I took my first gulp of air in over a week and a half.

I've always hated reading blogs of recently pregnant women that were consumed with fear. I'd think to myself, "Shut up! I'd cut off my left arm just to be where you are right now." But right now, that's where I am. Absolutely and completely consumed by fear. Fear that I've been given a tiny taste of what it feels like to be pregnant and it is going to be ripped from me. Fear that my body will reject this tiny human that I so desperately want to grow. Fear of having to return to fertility treatments. I never used to be like this; infertility has seriously fucked me up.

I toggle between elation and anxiety every 5 minutes. I feel like the luckiest girl alive yet cursed because the fear is eating me alive. Somehow, I have to figure out how to just... breath.


I've also been hesitant to write this post because I know that every person struggling with infertility that is reading this right now just got kicked in the gut. I don't care how long we've been following each other or how hard we've been rooting for each other, I just hurt you with my news. I feel absolutely horrible for that. I know how it feels and it's devastating. Even though having a child is what we all are shooting for, the last thing I want to do is to make any of you hurt any more than you already do. My stomach is in knots over it.

7 comments:

  1. I am so relieved that you are posting and everything is ok (seriously, I must have checked my google reader like 30 times hoping you were updating). I can't even imagine how scary it is, but hopefully you can soon relax and enjoy! Congratulations!!

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  2. What happened to the positivity from yesterday! I demand to talk to that girl again! No but seriously, you know I love you girl and I'm right behind you. Just focus on those amazing numbers. I know you can do this I just know it!

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  3. Yay! Those are some fantastic numbers! And for the record, I don't feel like I've been kicked in the gut because of your news. I feel happy for you and hopeful for myself, I love it when a fellow IFer gets pregnant, it's amazing! =)

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  4. I'm so happy to read this wonderful news! I was worried that your lack of posting meant things did not go well. And don't feel bad for making your announcement or confessing your fears. My sister was so afraid when she finally got pregnant again that she cried at every weekly ultrasound through 12 weeks even though it was always good news. You are not crazy, infertility really is this fucked up - its not you!

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  5. I am letting out a huge sigh for you. Thank god everything is looking so good! Now, please, this very moment, stop beating yourself up for being worried! You have worked so hard to get here, and the first few weeks of pregnancy are the most vulnerable ones. How could you not be worried? Really. Do not feel guilty about this.

    Sometimes, when dealing with IF, it is hard to read about other people who have achieved what you are still working towards. But...when I felt this way, I also knew that this was about me and where I was, not the other women. IF does not end with a positive pregnancy test. You are on a different part of the journey now - a wonderful, hopeful, less drug filled part - but not one without fears. Hang in there! I am really happy for you.

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  6. I was wondering what had happened, but didn't want to bring it up to you if it was bad news. I am so excited for you and hopeful that these next few weeks continue to bring more of the same. Thinking of you!!!!

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