6 weeks

And... we have a single, beautiful little heartbeat.

Shock and awe don't even come close to explaining what I'm feeling right now. That, and more hope than I ever remember feeling in my entire life.

Cycle 15, CD 38 (25 DPIUI)

When I wrote the other day that there was more to catch you all up on, I had no idea how much more would happen in the following days. And because this could get lengthy, I'm going to do a list of events as they happened. Lists make me feel more in control, and right now think I need that.

• To remind you: After my last BFN Dr. D put me on a natural cycle with just estrogen to try to stop the mysterious ovulation bleeding, I had a sizable cyst on my left ovary, and she suggested I start acupuncture.
• The acupuncturist that Dr. D wanted me to see was $500 for just 1 consult and 2 treatments. Not chump change, right? Turns out though, this Dr. is an extraordinarily famous (like world famous) infertility acupuncturist. We'll call him The Guru. 
• During this time, I continued to bleed past my regular period and was now on day 6. WTF? I attributed it to my body getting used to the estrogen.  
• The next few days were full of back and forth arguments with Mike about the cost/benefit value of acupuncture. Mike like facts and he only found a few (good) studies that proved acupuncture worked, and those were for only back pain. He feels pretty strongly that acupuncture may indeed work, but going to the local acupuncture school (for less than 1/4 of the cost) would have the same result as going to The Guru. I didn't agree with him and insisted that if Dr. D really wanted me to go to him, I had to at least give it a try. Besides, we'd invested so much up to this point, didn't we want to explore all available avenues? Finally, my parents stepped in and said that as a combined (very early) birthday and Christmas gift, they'd pay for a few treatments with The Guru. My mom and dad both felt strongly that if I didn't pursue this, I'd regret it. So I called and made an appointment.  
• I woke up the next day with an UTI. Fuck me, are you serious? (I've been having chronic UTIs for the last 2 years). I go to see my GP and get on some baby-friendly antibiotics because I should be ovulating in a week or so. Maybe the UTI is the cause of all this bleeding?  
• The the midst of the acupuncture debates, I reached out to an old friend I'd not spoken to in over 10 years. She was a year older than me in High School but we'd always gotten along really well. I'd recently heard through a mutual friend that she'd gone through 7 failed IVF cycles. Let me say that again: Seven. Failed. IVF. Cycles. She still doesn't have a child. I know the gravity of that is not lost on any of you. I wanted to talk to her because I knew she was a huge advocate of acupuncture and I was hoping to find out why and gain some clarity (let me just say for the record, making the decision to do acupuncture or not should never be this difficult, but I am indecisive and toggle endlessly over everything. We ended up talking for a full 2 hours and in that time, I felt like I had 17 "ah-ha" moments. She never lectured me, but she did say, "Tutti, this process is one that you have to experience for yourself so I don't want to tell you what to do or how to act. But after going through all of it for so long, I wish someone had told me certain things so I wouldn't have had to make so many mistakes along the way." It was probably the most amazing conversation I've had since I've started on this journey and I felt like she gave me so much wisdom and the ability to acknowledge my hope again. After hanging up the phone, I felt... lighter. I went to bed and woke up the next morning feeling... renewed. I really hope I can hang on to that. I need to hang on to that. She also ended up asking her acupuncturist if she recommended anyone in my area area (we live in different states). Guess who she referred? The Guru. Huh, that's kind of crazy.
• The bleeding still hasn't stopped. It had been 8 days at this point. Great, so on top of the crazy ovulation bleeding, it seems as though I just bleed all the time now. Then in dawns on me, maybe I'm bleeding because of that cyst on my left ovary? I decide to give it one or two more days, then I'll call Dr. D. 
• I have to say, my consult and acupuncture treatment with The Guru was pretty cool (happy bday and Merry Xmas to me!). Long and short of it, he felt that everything was hormone related. I can't say that I don't disagree with him either. He insisted that I shouldn't be bleeding if I'm on estrogen and to call Dr. D the next morning. He went on to say that my body just wasn't handling all hormones very well and he recommended that I do another full natural cycle (as in NEXT cycle). And by natural he meant: no estrogen, no gonal-F, no progesterone, nada. He said my body needed to get back to its baseline. It was tired and confused by all the hormones. He felt my pulse and said it was 'erratic'. I'm still not sure what that means but he had a concerned look on his face when he said it. Then I went in for my acupuncture treatment with him and I quite enjoyed it. Although, I did find it next to impossible to keep my thoughts from racing. He had me do a full hour treatment because he really wanted the bleeding to stop. Then he sent me home with some cRAzY looking herbs and an appointment to see his associate the next week. 
• The next morning (yesterday) I woke up and was... wait for it...still bleeding. It'd been 10 full days. I followed The Guru's advice and called my clinic. I filled Dr. D in on my symptoms as well as what The Guru said. After listening to everything, she said, "I'm going to follow his lead and have you go off everything right now. What is happening is just not right. I know this is going to sound crazy, but take another pregnancy test just to make sure. Then email me in a few days and let me know if the bleeding has stopped. We'll get to the bottom of this, I promise." 
• Hours later, I cooked up my herbs and holy hell, this stuff is beyond nasty. I plugged my nose and guzzled two cups which made me have to pee. Then I remembered how Dr. D asked me to take another pregnancy test and scoffed at the idea. But for some reason at the last second decided to indulge her.  
• It was positive. 

In 35 years, I've never-ever had a positive pregnancy test. I didn't even know if I could get pregnant. I'm still waiting for my beta test results. Understandably, Dr. D said, "don't get too excited". And I can't- I've been bleeding for 10 days and I *know* that's not good. But it does mean that I'm most likely able to get pregnant. At least, I think it does. I'm trying to take all I've learned this week and see the good in this situation. I'm not scared right now, just hopeful. I'm going to keep acknowledging my hope from here on out and embrace it, regardless of what happens. My life changed in many different ways this week. I'm not sure how it's going to read yet, but my story has a new chapter.

P.S. On our way home from the beta test, I turned to my husband and with the biggest smile I said, "See, I told you The Guru is a miracle worker."

Cycle 15, CD 14 (1 DPIUI)

I worked myself into such a frenzy the 4 days leading up to Tuesday. I was absolutely 110% positive that I ovulated. I mean, with all my symptoms, how could I not have? Mike looked at me sideways before we went to bed on Monday night and it made my already sore boobs, hurt more. So when we walked into my clinic yesterday morning, I said, "We need to cancel our IUI". I was that sure of myself.

Since my RE wasn't due in for another 30 minutes, a different doctor [my hero of the morning] who overheard me quickly volunteered to do a quick follicle check. That was exactly what I was hoping for, but didn't feel comfortable directly asking for it. I was totally confident in my self-diagnosis and sure we were going to see gaping holes where my beautiful follicles had been just days before. Because after all, who knows my body better than me?

It didn't take long after I jumped into the stirrups to see the 3 beautiful, round, and huge follicles sitting snugly in my ovaries. You can imagine how I felt like the biggest dolt ever. A dolt with a huge-ass smile on her face. I'd never been so happy to be so wrong.

The kind-RE-that-took-pity-on-me was quick to say that I wasn't wrong to think I'd already ovulated. She explained that with multiple mature follicles comes much more estrogen, which makes any symptoms that much more dramatic. And I guess since I had 3, that made sense. I still felt like an idiot though.

All this means is I had a very successful IUI yesterday. Mike produced a brilliant sample that came in at 22mil post wash (go honey!). I've had some of that mysterious bleeding, but nothing bright red and it's more spotting than full on bleeding. I just hope it doesn't change because I can't take the progesterone until tomorrow.

I'm feeling really good about this cycle; better than I have in a long time. The meds worked. All the appointments [and missed work] were worth it. The money spent was for a good cause. The worry proved unnecessary. The stars are finally aligning. My husband even gave my 'balls of cells' a little pep talk last night. He's never done that before. Although, he could have skipped the part about their mom being overly dramatic.Whateves.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (11 DPO)

Holy shit.

I just deleted my Facebook account.

I feel 1,000,000,000 pounds lighter already.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (9 DPO)

I've been doing weirdly well for the last two weeks. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but  the days keep coming and I keep feeling, dare I say it... good?!

Yes, I've been feeling really, really GOOD for two weeks. I seriously can't remember the last time that happened.

I've started taking extended walks with the pooch after work. I've chatted with my mom without busting into tears. I started dieting and am doing mostly ok on it (lost 3 lbs in 3 weeks). I've been having spontaneous sex with my husband (what? what!). I have been laughing and sleeping well and not seeing doom and gloom everywhere I look. I may have even smiled at a woman pushing a stroller the other day. Yes, crazy-town.

Maybe I'm learning how to cope with infertility better? Maybe I'm just more at ease because of this natural cycle that we were forced to take. I have to say, it's been fabulous without all the doctors appointments and medications. Or maybe it's the 75 degree weather we've been having. Whatever it is though, I'll take some more thank you.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (5 DPO)

You know, after reading so many other blogs, I've come to realize that I've *got* to get a sense of humor about this infertility thing. My blog has been nothing but doom and gloom since I started it. And that directly relates to how I've felt this last year. But from here on out I'm going to make a concerted effort to add a little sunshine here and there. At least when I can, because I think it's important. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I've found one that has experience dealing with infertility, so I feel good about that. Maybe I'll even plant a tree. Just kidding. I live in the city- and there is no room for trees. Good and bad with everything, right?

If I could drink right now, I'd raise my glass to you all and toast to 'Laughter while creating babies'.

Boo-yeah.

Cycle 14, CD 14

I got my double pink lines on my OPK tonight! I don't know why, but it still always surprises me.

My husband is psyched. 

Cycle 14, CD 6

When I called to set up my CD2 ultrasound earlier this week, the nurse told me that Dr. D wanted to see me and Mike for a WTF consult instead.

Fuck me. This is going to be the big IVF conversation, isn't it?

But it wasn't and I think sitting down with my doctor and finally getting everything out on the table was a good thing. After all, this was the first consult we've had since starting with this clinic back in June. In fact, for my (and Mike's) sanity, I wish we had done it sooner. Those 10 minute u/s appointments only leave you about 30 seconds to ask questions once the vag-cam is finished its probing. Ugg. I hate that thing.

Here are the highlights:

• My stinking thyroid: We are going to continue testing my thyroid every month from here on out. Dr. D confirmed that conception was probably not a possibility with it being as high as it was. The problem is, it went wonky sometime during the previous 6 months but we don't know exactly when. So all that Clomid, the IUI, Gonal-F, freaking out, was most likely all for naught. But we will never really know. I had it tested after the consult and it is currently at .773. Not between the target of 1 to 2 that we want, but not low enough for my RE to change my Synthroid dosage either. 
• Stupid Gonal-F: She thought the bleeding and crazy sore boobs sounded like it was due to a huge spike of estrogen brought on by ovulation. She's attributing it to the Gonal-F, though she's never seen or heard of anything like this before (go figure). The fact that it's only happened during the two cycles I've been on the Gonal seems like more than a coincidence. Not what I wanted to hear but at least it's a reason. She also said conception was probably never a possibility the last two months (which is what I was afraid of) because even if there was an embryo, it most likely would have been flushed out with the blood. So much for the last 8 months of trying. Fuck me. 
• Plan for this cycle: Dr. D suggested that we do a natural cycle this month. Of course, my stomach dropped and my gut reaction was to whine and plead like a little girl that wanted the newest talking teddy bear, but I need to trust her. She wants to see if the bleeding happens without the Gonal this month (I have a feeling it won't). And though I know our chances of conceiving are only 2% on an unmedicated cycle, I know that giving my body a break isn't a bad thing either. I will follow along, if not begrudgingly. 
• More tests: She also wants to do a sonohysterogram this cycle to look at my shiny uterus (I'm not sure if it's really shiny, but that's how I see it in my head) to see if there are any polyps. And if my ute gets the A-ok, then she will go a step further and do an endometrial biopsy to make sure there is no infection in my lining. My eyes just about zoinked out of my head when she mentioned this last one. I had an endometrial biopsy 4 years ago. Yeah, it didn't go so well and I ended up passing out on the side of the road after I left my Gyn's office. I woke up in an ambulance with the worst stomach pains I've ever experienced in my life. No joke. If I had a gun, I would have used it on myself. And I don't say things like that lightly. I have a fucked up vaseovegal response (inherited from my mom) which proves to be tricky in situations like this. As in, this is exactly what triggers it. Needless to say, I'll be going armed with vicoden and Mike to that appointment on Tuesday. Lord help me now. 
• Reviewing old tests: Dr. D is going to request the original films from my HSG. She said that it's not too common, but she has caught mistakes in the original reading of these things. Wouldn't that be a kicker? 
• Future plan: Provided the natural cycle is a bust (which of course it will be), we will continue with injectables (more than likely not Gonal) and IUIs. The stats show that our chances go up to 9% (big leagues) with medications and IUIs. So we'll be all over those like white on rice. She said we'll see how it goes, but at least 3 more IUIs and then we'll talk... 
• Future-future plan: IVF. Naturally, it's a last resort but she said that if we indeed have incompatible eggs/sperm, than this is our best bet (I don't know what she is talking about, I get along with everyone). She said it's too early to go the IVF route at the moment (which was reassuring to hear) but that we'll be looking at it in the next 6 months if nothing else works. Sweet, we have 6 months to save up $20,000. Maybe I'll have a yard sale...

Like I said, it was helpful and both Mike and I left feeling a little better. Like we had a plan. Mike was able to shoot a bunch of over-my-head questions at the doctor, and apparently she answered them satisfactorily. Which is good because it makes Mike feel better, which in turn makes me feel much better. So for now, we are able to put some old issues to bed and concentrate on the future. A future that I desperately hope has a positive ending.

No pun intended.

Cycle 13, CD 8

I'm feeling unusually optimistic about this cycle. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my TSH levels are back in check. Or perhaps it's because I don't feel completely and utterly fatigued all the time (a classic symptom of hypothyroidism). I watched a movie with my husband last night... and didn't fall asleep! It's been years since that's happened. Feeling awake and able to participate in life... feels really good.

I'm hoping my positive outlook lasts longer than 30 minutes. Just last night I got a text message from a friend that made the tears spring into action. So, who knows. But it feels good to feel good. I'd like to hold on to this for as long as possible. Here's to lucky number 13. 

I was back for another ultrasound today. Right side has sprung into action and has a 10mm follicle while the 2 on the left are continuing to grow. I think she said they were at 12 and 14mm. So that's really positive as I'm only CD8 and probably won't ovulate until sometime next week. I'll start the OPKs tonight just in case. 

Last month I ovulated later than Dr. D expected. She thought it would happen on Saturday, when in fact, I didn't pop until the following Tuesday or Wednesday. This meant that we had sex for 7 days in a row. I got to thinking that maybe this might reduced Mike's sperm quantity too much. So, my question for the doctor today was: is it ok to have sex daily for many days or I should go with trigger shot so we know precisely the right moment to go for it? She said that yes, it will probably reduce the sample size over that many days, but it was such a minute amount- it wouldn't matter. Sex it is then. Yipee for saving the $130.00 on meds and staying away from that horrible full-ovary feeling it causes. Mike will be happy too :)

My doctor always refers to us as her "sex couple", because she knows that we aren't scared of it. Hell, I'd do it 5 times a day if it meant that it would increase our chances of getting pregnant (lucky for me, it doesn't). She said that the majority of her patients don't have sex at all. And apparently it's not because of fertility stuff (I'm the first to understand how unsexy sex is when TTC) but that they just don't have sex. Like, ever. I found that quite surprising.