Cycle 19, CD 34 (16 DPO)

A lot has happened in the week since I last posted.

Let me start off by saying, everything went according to plan at the airport. As I thought, TSA was on top of their game and screamed out, "Excuse me ma'am, are you a diabetic?" as I waited for my carryon with Follistim to come through the scanner. I was like a tiger sitting in wait for my meal to arrive. My muscles were tight. I saw my prey. I jumped. Unfortunately I think all that anticipation made my voice squeak as I yelled back, "No, [voice rising several octaves] but I am infertile!". It wasn't the delivery I was hoping for, but I rolled around joyously in that uneasy quiet that came immediately afterward. Mission accomplished! 

I also had a birthday. I'm one of those girls that always had a full 60 day countdown until the big day. Lots of anticipation and merriment would abound. But not this year. This year I turned 36 and I'm officially over that 35 year old infertility mark. Scares the shit out of me. I was able to keep it together enough to share a quiet day with my husband, enjoy a few treats, and not think of the looming year ahead. Birthdays and anniversaries are so very tricky these days. 

While I was traveling, I bumped into an old work friend. I've always liked her and in my new normal fashion, I spilled my infertility-beans on her within the first 10 minutes. She was very sympathetic and all was good until she told me a story about her friend that struggled for 4 years to get pregnant, finally had twins through IVF and then found herself with an unexpected new pregnancy (sans any intervention) a tender 6 months later. I didn't want to come off as a total bitch so I said, "I'm so glad things worked out for her" but then quickly followup up with, "but I'm not that girl. I'll never get pregnant by having sex." 

Except... I am that girl. 

I'm pregnant again. 

Pregnant while benched from my most recent miscarriage. Pregnant by having sex. Pregnant without a single needle stick, ultrasound probe, pair of lucky socks, or visit to the doctor. I'm pregnant without any acupuncture, vaginal suppositories, tww angst, or spending a dime (barring the $300 of fertility meds sitting unopened in my refrigerator). This shit just doesn't happen. Especially not to me. 

I am very, very thankful but I am not happy or excited. I am not hopeful that this pregnancy will progress like it is supposed to. I've been here before. Twice actually. I know those double pinks don't equate a baby. I feel like I know better than to think that now. Right now I just feel really numb.

My first beta was yesterday and it was 735 at 15DPO. That's really high. So high, in fact, that I started convincing myself that this was a blighted ovum, a molar pregnancy, or something else. But my husband gently took my hand and said, "You need to let go." And I have. I've remained calm since and now all I can do is wait until beta #2 on Thursday.  

And yes, I am just as shocked as you are. 

Cycle 19, CD 27 (10 DPO)

[Click here for more information about Emhart's September Photo Challenge]  

Prompt: Cozy

When my eyes first blink open in the morning and I see this, it almost makes the day ahead seem tolerable. It also makes it exceedingly hard to get out of bed. Ms. B and Hunter have a love affair that their respective species would not condone- but is oh so sweet at its very foundation.

PICTURE REMOVED

Things have been rather busy around these parts. There have been quite a few good days even. And then the walls start crumbling again. Mike and I are fighting and my libido is the culprit. Mainly because I just don't have one. Add it to the list of things infertility has taken from me. It's not good for our marriage though and I'm at a point I don't know what to do about it anymore. 

In other news, I'm now at the point that I'm ready to be put back into the game. No more bench warming for me. I'm traveling the next few days so this morning I had an u/s with Dr. D to make sure I was cleared to play. And I am. Lining is nice and thick, no cysts, and my ute is gearing up for a touchdown. 

I'll be harassed by TSA for carrying meds with me through security. I'll have to pull out my little letter explaining why I need to carry a bag with pointy things, tiny vials of liquid gold, and ice packs onto the plane with me. They'll yell at me from the end of the scanner and ask if I'm diabetic. Everyone will hear and I'll yell back, "No sir, I'm just infertile!" Sometimes I just like to see the looks on peoples faces. 

Which leads me to my newest little anecdotal gem. See, I'm in this weird stage where I feel like I have to out myself to anyone I talk with longer than 5 minutes. I'm not sure why because the conversations *never* leave me feeling good. But anyway, I was at the hairdresser last Friday and sometime after the scalp massage and sometime before the layers were shorn, I spilled the beans to my stylist. She's 34 and though she's little Ms. Edward Sissorhands and works magic with my shiny locks, she's not the sharpest tool. And you know her advice after I went though my spiel? She said, "Well, maybe you just don't want it enough. You know, you really have to want it in order for it to work." I sat there gap-mouthed staring at myself  in the mirror as she naively clipped away. 

"Which way are you going to go with this Tutti?" I asked myself as my hand slipped into my purse and wrapped around the handle of the sharp fork I always carry with me for situations such as this. 

Instead, I decided to challenge her logic and said, "Well, how do you explain my 2 miscarriages then? Did I only want it kinda bad so it only kinda worked or did I stop wanting it bad enough, and that's when I lost them?" 

She thought for a second, tilted her head and said, "I think to finally become pregnant you have to visualize holding your baby every day or it won't work." 

Stupid girl didn't even know I was fucking with her. 

Cycle 17, CD 16 (? DPO)

We were too late. I already ovulated. Talk about a kick in the gut.

Not sure what happened. My last appointment was on Saturday and I had at least one follicle that was almost ripe at 17mm. At that point, my RE wanted me to do one more day of the Follistim at a higher dose but to also keep a close eye on my OPKs just to make sure my body didn't ovulate on its own. And I was a good girl and peed on those damn sticks every night for the last week. No way I could miss it, right? I mean, I'm no stranger to OPKs. But I swear to you that stupid pink line never got very dark. It was only kinda there.

Screw the cost, I'm switching to the smiley face OPKs from now on. I also might start temping again (fuck me sideways). Because the cheapies failed me. Miserably.

There was a chance I ovulated within a few hours of the appontment this morning, but really it could have been anytime in the last 2 days. As my RE said, "In my heart of hearts, I feel like it's a risk to do the IUI today. $800 is nothing to sneeze at". My head agreed with her. My heart said otherwise.

So instead of going through with the IUI, Mike and I headed home to do it the old fashioned way. It turns out, sad sex is not very good sex.

I know I'm not out but lets face it- I am. 12 injections. 6 doctor appointments. 4 blood draws. 1 trigger. And god knows how much money and angst... and hope. All out the window.

I was so excited to wear my new lucky socks that Tracy from A Journey to Somewhere sent me too. Sitting on the table waiting for my u/s, all I could do was admire how cute they were. Indeed, both Dr. D and nurse S commented on the fun stripes as I thew my legs up into the stirrups (I liked not having my vag be the only star in the room for once). Maybe it was some kind of divine intervention, because Tracy actually bought me THREE pairs of uber cool socks. Here's hoping that the sock monkeys or long-necked giraffes have better luck.

Thank you Tracy!

Cycle 17, CD 15

I haven't updated on my progress much this cycle. After 13 days of Follistim and a trigger last night, I'm headed in for an IUI tomorrow at 8:30AM.

And I'm scared shitless.

It's not been a good cycle. I've not reacted well to the Follistim (not many follicles, and the ones I do have are growing very slowly or actually shrinking), my TSH skyrocketed because of the estrogen they have me on (to counteract the ovulation bleeding), and despite taking too many OPK tests to count- I'm still not sure if that line is a positive or not.

I have a bad habit of damning my chances at success before I'm out of the gate, but this has been the worst cycle to date. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I'm just scared it will never work. But with everything I have going against me right now, do we really go ahead and drop an additional $800 on an IUI? The answer is yes, of course. But I can't help but feel like we're throwing money out the window because I'm too stubborn to say when to call it off.

...And I keep getting baby announcements despite cancelling my facebook account.

...And mothers day is coming up and, that hurts. I actually had to leave the store while buying cards for my mom and my mother in law today because the tears just started streaming down my face.

...And my husband is mad at me because I don't want to have sex every day. Givemeafuckingbreakplease.

...And I've had two different people tell me this week, "Oh, only a year an a half? That's not long at all." And maybe it isn't. God knows there are women in this community that could lap me 10 times over. But thinking and hoping and wanting the exact same thing every single one of those 547 days certainly *feels* like a long time.

Pity party table for one please.

Cycle 13, CD 8

I'm feeling unusually optimistic about this cycle. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my TSH levels are back in check. Or perhaps it's because I don't feel completely and utterly fatigued all the time (a classic symptom of hypothyroidism). I watched a movie with my husband last night... and didn't fall asleep! It's been years since that's happened. Feeling awake and able to participate in life... feels really good.

I'm hoping my positive outlook lasts longer than 30 minutes. Just last night I got a text message from a friend that made the tears spring into action. So, who knows. But it feels good to feel good. I'd like to hold on to this for as long as possible. Here's to lucky number 13. 

I was back for another ultrasound today. Right side has sprung into action and has a 10mm follicle while the 2 on the left are continuing to grow. I think she said they were at 12 and 14mm. So that's really positive as I'm only CD8 and probably won't ovulate until sometime next week. I'll start the OPKs tonight just in case. 

Last month I ovulated later than Dr. D expected. She thought it would happen on Saturday, when in fact, I didn't pop until the following Tuesday or Wednesday. This meant that we had sex for 7 days in a row. I got to thinking that maybe this might reduced Mike's sperm quantity too much. So, my question for the doctor today was: is it ok to have sex daily for many days or I should go with trigger shot so we know precisely the right moment to go for it? She said that yes, it will probably reduce the sample size over that many days, but it was such a minute amount- it wouldn't matter. Sex it is then. Yipee for saving the $130.00 on meds and staying away from that horrible full-ovary feeling it causes. Mike will be happy too :)

My doctor always refers to us as her "sex couple", because she knows that we aren't scared of it. Hell, I'd do it 5 times a day if it meant that it would increase our chances of getting pregnant (lucky for me, it doesn't). She said that the majority of her patients don't have sex at all. And apparently it's not because of fertility stuff (I'm the first to understand how unsexy sex is when TTC) but that they just don't have sex. Like, ever. I found that quite surprising.