Cycle 18, CD 21 (11 DPIUI)

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Just picture me hanging my head in shame. I didn't mean to abandon this blog. But more importantly, I didn't want to you guys to think I abandoned you. Just so you know though, I never left; I've read each post you've written. I know *exactly* where each and every one of you are: the good, the bad, and the congratulatory. I've just been reading from my phone which likes to leave 13 duplicate posts for each comment so instead of subjecting you guys to that, I've been refraining from commenting. But I'm right by your sides and hopefully within the next few weeks I can get back to my old ways. In the meantime, think of me as your personal stalker.

Where have I been you ask? I wish I could say I've been doing something fun like windsurfing every day or too busy learning the ins and outs of my newly purchased u/s machine. Unfortunately the boring truth of it is I've been working. Hard. I've been working harder than I've ever worked in my life. And all this blood, sweat, and tears I've put into my job over the last 4 months is finally coming to a close. So this last month has kinda been like crunch time. A horrible, bumpy road that has given this perfectionist (points to self) an ulcer the size of a watermelon. Ok, so maybe I don't have an ulcer, but I feel like I should! Be that as it may, I apologize for my disappearing act.

I think I left off mid-2ww last cycle. That was the ugly loooong cycle with crappy follicles, high TSH, a missed IUI, and lots of bitter emotions. It ended with a very glaring negative pregnancy test. But of course it did.

After that debacle, Dr. D felt confident that we could sneak in one last cycle before I had to leave town for a bit. She wanted to try the Follistim again even though I reacted really badly to it the previous cycle. So in the spirit of compromise, I asked that we not do the estrogen supplements because it screwed with my TSH too much. It's like a game of Jenga, you have to be careful where you place each block or the entire tower might come tumbling down.

Long story short, for as bad as cycle 17 was, cycle 18 has been the opposite. I was only on stims for 7 days (hello shortest cycle ever!!), I had multiple big follicles, my TSH behaved beautifully, the IUI was perfectly timed (confirmed by an u/s), my husband's sample was rock-star quality, and I didn't have any bleeding at ovulation.

How's about them apples?

So here I sit at a hotel restaurant somewhere in middle America and I'm teetering on a tight rope. On the one hand I want to let in the hope so, so badly. I haven't had a good cycle in a long time and with this one, the stars finally aligned. If I were to ever allow myself to hope, it should be right now. But on the other hand, I've been at this long enough to know the more hope I allow in, the worse the pain is when it doesn't work. And that, my friends, is why infertility is the ultimate mind-fuck.

Cycle 17, CD 23 (9? DPO)

Just finding the time to write a post has been a challenge lately. We have some pretty big deadlines coming up with work and I feel like I'm the only one that cares. My overall fuck-you-world frame of mind probably doesn't help much either. Whatever, it's where I am at.

The bad: My blood work came back after the cancelled IUI and it showed that I had indeed ovulated a day or two prior. I'm glad my RE suggested that we sit this one out and bank the money because it would have been a futile attempt, but it sucks balls I had to go through all that just to have my body play games on me.

The good: No ovulation bleeding! Wow, right? So maybe Follistim is my drug. That said, it did a pretty crappy job on making my follicles grow. But I'm not so down the rabbit hole that I can't see that this is a move in the right direction.

The bad: My TSH has skyrocketed and no one knows why. I thought it was from the estrogen my doctor put me on, but my Endo just told me that it wouldn't act that fast (apparently it takes several weeks to have any impact). No one can give me a good answer because no one knows why this is happening. So they upped me on my thyroid meds yet again. Not that my theories are ever right, but I feel like my TSH is going to go way in the other direction. I'm feeling 50% lab rat and 50% yo-yo. 

The good: I think I miiiiiight be able to squeeze one more cycle in before I have to go travel. That said, my TSH needs to cooperate which I'm not hopeful of, but at least it's a maybe vs a no-way. 

The bad: Mother's Day sucked the big one. 

The good: I got my hair cut! I know this isn't anything fertility related, but it's been almost 7 months since my last cut (hello-treatments-sucking-up-every-extra-penny) and I was feeling pretty ragged. The new do feels really good. 

As you can see, I'm actively trying to see the good in things and not focus so much on the bad. It's hard though, because the bad is really, really bad: I'm not a mom, I have no baby. The good is nice and all- but how do you compare a good haircut to a child? Regardless, I'm trying. Some days are better than others. 

Cycle 17, CD 16 (? DPO)

We were too late. I already ovulated. Talk about a kick in the gut.

Not sure what happened. My last appointment was on Saturday and I had at least one follicle that was almost ripe at 17mm. At that point, my RE wanted me to do one more day of the Follistim at a higher dose but to also keep a close eye on my OPKs just to make sure my body didn't ovulate on its own. And I was a good girl and peed on those damn sticks every night for the last week. No way I could miss it, right? I mean, I'm no stranger to OPKs. But I swear to you that stupid pink line never got very dark. It was only kinda there.

Screw the cost, I'm switching to the smiley face OPKs from now on. I also might start temping again (fuck me sideways). Because the cheapies failed me. Miserably.

There was a chance I ovulated within a few hours of the appontment this morning, but really it could have been anytime in the last 2 days. As my RE said, "In my heart of hearts, I feel like it's a risk to do the IUI today. $800 is nothing to sneeze at". My head agreed with her. My heart said otherwise.

So instead of going through with the IUI, Mike and I headed home to do it the old fashioned way. It turns out, sad sex is not very good sex.

I know I'm not out but lets face it- I am. 12 injections. 6 doctor appointments. 4 blood draws. 1 trigger. And god knows how much money and angst... and hope. All out the window.

I was so excited to wear my new lucky socks that Tracy from A Journey to Somewhere sent me too. Sitting on the table waiting for my u/s, all I could do was admire how cute they were. Indeed, both Dr. D and nurse S commented on the fun stripes as I thew my legs up into the stirrups (I liked not having my vag be the only star in the room for once). Maybe it was some kind of divine intervention, because Tracy actually bought me THREE pairs of uber cool socks. Here's hoping that the sock monkeys or long-necked giraffes have better luck.

Thank you Tracy!

Cycle 15, CD 20 (13 DPIUI)

So I've been hanging out in the cold, icy, arctic conditions of the northern US for the last week. Unfortunately I only brought slip on shoes with me too. What a bitch.

I like traveling because it forces me to be social. Since this TTC thing, I've found myself retreating further and further away from people. I suppose that's not good for me, but it certainly is easier. Traveling also acts as a good distraction from all things fertility. That is, until the woman sitting next to me on the airplane asks me how many kids I have. And when I answer "none" she gets a quizzical look on her face and probes me as to why not. It's a good thing for her that they don't allow sharp objects on planes anymore.

The long and short of it is, I'm going to test tonight. I'm not sure I can deal with many more days of my boobs being this sore. I've actually been wearing my bra to bed at night because it's less painful. Need to keep those girls pinned up tight. I love how evil it is that pregnancy symptoms get all intermingled with progesterone & pre-AF symptoms. But I don't need to tell you guys about that.

Trying to prep myself emotionally for that one, lonely line to appear on the stick. I've never seen two. Ever. I wish I had hope that tonight will be different.

Cycle 15, CD 19 (5 DPIUI)

I don't know if it was Trisha's blog post that inspired me to have the craziest baby dream ever, or if I'm just losing it, but man-o-man did I have a whopper of one on Sunday. And, for the record, I never dream about babies. I've always attributed it to my barren uterus, but who knows.

So in the dream, I was struggling to get pregnant (wonder where that came from?) and had been going to see the RE and get my follicles counted, etc. Then one day, I just... gave birth. It was like one of those scenes from I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. You know, because that is totally likely to happen to me.

It was a girl.

And that is as much as I can say without bursting into tears- because she was beautiful and it felt so good to hold her in my arms.

I wish it were an omen.

Cycle 15, CD 14 (2 DPIUI)

I started the progesterone today, but not before the mysterious bleeding started.

I'm crushed.

Cycle 13, CD 16 (4 DPO)

I got a positive OPK on Wednesday night (yipee). However I started to bleed on Thursday night (freakout). Not enough to need a tampon, but more than enough to make me very worried. And this is exactly what happened when we were on vacation last month; if not a tad worse. We thought it was a fluke last time, but apparently it wasn't. I can't help but notice that this has happened exactly 24 hours after each OPK *and* on the only months I've taken Gonal-F. I called  my clinic yesterday because and they told me to start on progesterone every 12 hours. So I did. And... it appears that has worked. Or, at least the bleeding has stopped. Thank god.

Overnight shipping for progesterone because of the holiday and all the pharmacies are closed.  Sweet.

Since I only spoke to the nurse, I emailed Dr. D for some (more explicit) answers- but I've yet to hear back from her. I understand it is the day after Christmas so I kind of don't expected her to answer, but at the same time it's my reproductive success at stake- so I kinda do. I just want her to care as much as I do. I just feel like she is over worked and barely keeping her head above water. Everyone needs rest, and I know she doesn't get any. I'm assuming that since my bleeding is not an emergency, it goes into the "later" pile. Sometimes I feel like a jumble of symptoms and I only get a very vague and hurried pseudo-explainations. I just want to make sure my treatment is best for me. Sometimes I feel like that is impossible.

Cycle 13, CD 16 (2 DPO)

I feel compelled to write at this very moment. The stockings are hung, the condo is clean, our bellies are fully and... I am too. I'm full. At least for this moment. I love my husband more than ever, I'm excited Christmas is only a few hours away, I'm proud of the Christmas Eve meal I cooked up tonight and the creative budget-friendly gifts stashed under the tree. We are in love with each other and are focusing on the right-now. That doesn't happen (at least on my part) very often. And it feels good.

Today I am at peace with Christmas. For the most part. There's just been so much buildup. So many regrets and anticipations. This time last year we started trying for a baby. I had very real dreams of being pregnant within the year. I mean, that's not unrealistic to hope for right? Being pregnant within a year of trying? Unless of course, you are infertile. I just never dreamed it would be like this. One year of trying and no baby. A devastating one at that.

There is a considerable amount of mourning that needs to take place for all that lost time. But when it comes down to it, I'm happy at THIS VERY MOMENT  and it's Christmas and I'm here with my husband (who is fast asleep in front of a a movie and spooning our pooch) and thankful for what I have now, and looking forward to tomorrow. This feeling doesn't happen often... if ever... so it's nice to embrace while it's here. Tomorrow is sometimes really hard. Especially during the holidays.

I only wish that I could hold onto this feeling. Because I know how fleeting it is.

P.S. Tried my hand at making onion soup for the first time from scratch tonight. And besides burning the first four rounds of bread under the broiler (what is wrong with me?)- I had total and complete success. Recipe has made the official list.

Cycle 11, CD 25 (10 DPIUI)

This is a dangerous place to be.

10 days passed IUI. I could probably test now. The trigger is most likely out of my system. But it could not be too- and I could get a false positive. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants. A false positive.

And you know the ironic thing? Is even though I'm sure this month is a bust, I will be devastated when I get that BFN. Devastated. I'll secretly test without telling Mike [because I have this fantasy of surprising him when I finally do get that positive- in some fun, ultra sweet, and memorable way] then when I see that blank space next to the pink line- my stomach will drop. I'll get pissed. I'll remain silent. And then when Mike unknowingly says something to me- I'll attack. He'll never even know what hit him.

And that's not fair. It's not my my husband's fault.

Last month I was super hopeful. My 2nd round of Clomid gave me 5 nice and mature follicles. Our RE's "official medical advice" was to cancel the cycle since the risk of multiples was so high. Her "unofficial advice" was to go for it as long as we weren't morally opposed to selective reduction. Morals went out the window a long time ago. So we went ahead and had sex. Lots of it. I couldn't risk missing this opportunity and secretly fantasized about having twins. Instead, I got nothing. 0 for 5. Not good.

After that, Dr. D gave us a tentative diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" and told us that IVF would probably be our best option- but that we should try IUI a few times just in case.

I cried for a week. I felt like I couldn't breath. Everything I looked at was black.

I hadn't fully recovered from last months blow when all I sudden I looked around and the nurse was giving me instructions on how to inject myself in the stomach with the Ovidrel trigger because we were proceeding with our first IUI later that weekend. I had two hue-mongous follicles. 26mm and 28mm. I was proud at first until Google told me that I shouldn't be so confident. Bigger does not mean better. I'm now wondering if they were too mature. Or will turn into cysts. Dr. D didn't seem concerned, but I've also learned that they tend to sugarcoat everything there because they are dealing with hyper-emotional [read: unstable] woman most of the time. I'd do the same if I were them.

The IUI was very simple. Mikes's sample wasn't as large as she would have liked, but that was because she instructed us to have sex the previous morning. I don't understand why she told us to do that if it means the sample is smaller for the IUI. There are so many things about this process that I don't understand. So many tiny little convoluted things. Things that I'm not even aware of. Things that I am aware of that I can't figure out. Things that are related, or not related but still have relevance.

Why does this complicated process work for the majority of the population, but not for me? I feel stupid saying that, but at the same time- how can I not feel that way? It's like I am a small child stomping her feet because the neighbor gave my sister a lollipop but not me. It's not fair.

Four days until I can test. Four days that I can enjoy not having bags under my eyes, or tears streaming down my face for the majority of the day. And night.