7 weeks, 4 days

I find it difficult to post lately. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start with the concrete stuff.

My u/s yesterday was everything I hoped it wouldn't be: it provided no answers and no end.

• We still have a heartbeat. It is on the lower end, but still within normal range at 109bpm. When Dr. D flipped on the sound, I was wholly unprepared. The sound of that little heartbeat made me cry big, rolling tears. It sounded so... strong. So alive. It made me feel insanely guilty that I had gone into the appointment wishing only for silence. 
• CRL almost doubled from Friday, although still measuring a few days behind. 
• Yolk sac size reduced only very slightly from 9mm to 8.5mm, which is still in the highly concerning range.

Dr. D recommended that we go see a fetal development specialist. It's never good when your specialist refers you to an even more specialized specialist. She doesn't think that they will be able to give us any additional answers since I'm still so early, but they have more powerful u/s machines so she wants us to at least try. She also wants me to ask them about the Materni T21 test if I make it to 10 weeks. This is the blood test for downs syndrome, trisomy 18, and 13. I scheduled this appointment for next Thursday but I fully expect to have to cancel. My next u/s with Dr. D is Wednesday. I just can't be optimistic enough that we'll make it that far.    

I (politely) forced Dr. D into giving me odds. She said that her best bet is a 75% likelihood of this not working. Which in many respects is much better odds than even last week. She must have read my mind because she quickly followed with, "Do not get excited Tutti, things are still weighted heavily against you". I appreciate her honesty. Even if this baby somehow makes it, what are the chances that it will be a healthy baby? I don't know what to do with that. My head tells me to continue grieving because there is no way this is going to work. But the what-ifs play on my heartstrings when I'm asleep at night. I just can't handle the back and forth. So I tell myself that it is only a matter of time until this pregnancy ends and try to manage this mind-fuck that way. I don't know any other way to do it.

To add insult to injury, my pregnancy symptoms are increasing. As they should, because I'm technically still pregnant. Queasiness, fatigue, vivid dreams, sore boobs, frequent peeing: all symptoms I'm familiar with from previous pregnancies. However the one I'm struggling with most is my sense of smell. It's like someone gave me a bonus super power. The scent of burning frankincense from the church 3 blocks down and through closed windows wakes me up each morning. The smell of the shampoo as my husband takes a shower is entirely overpowering. I smell the dirt when I walk outside and I live in the middle of the fucking city. It's insane really. I feel honored to experience these things, but resentful that it won't result in what I want more than anything in the entire world.

This whole thing is just really, really hard.

Recovery: day 4

I keep going back to when I was sitting in my Ob's office. While there, I remember thinking to myself about how much had changed in just a matter of months. The last time I was in that office was for an annual checkup. I had just tested (negative) and was not happy- and I didn't keep it to myself. When my Ob walked into the exam room and cheerfully asked how I was doing, I replied, "Shitty". It was clear I made her feel uncomfortable. I didn't care. I was sick of candy coating it. I was infertile and pissed off.

Fast forward six months, and there I was sitting in that same waiting room. This time next to a woman with a newborn. I was amazed at how at ease I felt. It was the first time I didn't feel like chewing on a new mother's nativity and spitting it out, hopefully leaving her to feel just some of my pain. No, this time I sat there not quite feeling like part of the club, but feeling that maybe they'd let me in soon. Feeling, more at peace than I had in a long time.

But how quickly it all came rushing back. Rooted in my belly and more ferocious than ever.

My default is anger. It is a powerful emotion and it puts me in control. I can direct it at specific people or things. I can cut deep with it and feel satisfied that I'm able to inflict pain at will. I don't like how it feels, but it feels better than sadness. Or helplessness. I need to break this habit. Relinquish some control. Put faith in the future. In my future. In my desire to be happy again. It's hard though.

I wasn't prepared for a the call I got today. It was Dr. D. It was her first day back at the clinic and she'd just heard what happened. She said all the right things- all of which I needed to hear from her. She also told me the results of my RPL panel came came back. It was supposed to take ten business days for the results, not two. How often does that happen?

Lots of biology mumbo-jumbo, but the long and short of it was there was an extra chromosome. Chromosome 11 to be exact. Just a twist of nature. Things didn't line up quite as they should. Not conducive to sustainable life. It came from the paternal side- a bad sperm they said. And it was a total fluke. The chances of this happening again are less than 1%.

And, it was a girl.

Cycle 18, CD 41 (31 DPIUI)

My delay in posting was not intentional. I got my beta #2 results back late 6/21 and I was on a flight out of town early the next morning. I only just got back and with a free minute to post . The good thing is, all that blood, sweat, and crazy hours I've been putting in for the last 4 months is finally... over. Now we're back to regularly scheduled programming folks!

Rewinding a bit, I left off with a pretty low first beta. I sobbed myself to sleep for 4 days leading up to my second test. And if I'm really being honest here, I sobbed through the actual blood draw too. I worked myself into a complete frenzy and was convinced something was wrong. Nagging in the back of my mind was the idea that nothing as wonderful as being pregnant could possibly happen to me. But the 2nd test came back with strong doubling numbers. And that, from what they tell me, is all that matters.

It was tough knowing that instead of retesting in 2-3 days, I had to wait 11 full days because I was headed out of town again. I was fine for the first few, then I worked myself into a tizzy again. Not just normal fretting, but full on anxiety and certainty that something wasn't right. I woke up thinking about it. I fell asleep thinking about it. I glared at where I estimated my uterus to be and cursed it for making my life so miserable.

Beta #3 came back yesterday. HCG = 3967. Progesterone = 32.92. TSH = .591. It felt like I took my first gulp of air in over a week and a half.

I've always hated reading blogs of recently pregnant women that were consumed with fear. I'd think to myself, "Shut up! I'd cut off my left arm just to be where you are right now." But right now, that's where I am. Absolutely and completely consumed by fear. Fear that I've been given a tiny taste of what it feels like to be pregnant and it is going to be ripped from me. Fear that my body will reject this tiny human that I so desperately want to grow. Fear of having to return to fertility treatments. I never used to be like this; infertility has seriously fucked me up.

I toggle between elation and anxiety every 5 minutes. I feel like the luckiest girl alive yet cursed because the fear is eating me alive. Somehow, I have to figure out how to just... breath.

I've also been hesitant to write this post because I know that every person struggling with infertility that is reading this right now just got kicked in the gut. I don't care how long we've been following each other or how hard we've been rooting for each other, I just hurt you with my news. I feel absolutely horrible for that. I know how it feels and it's devastating. Even though having a child is what we all are shooting for, the last thing I want to do is to make any of you hurt any more than you already do. My stomach is in knots over it.

Cycle 17, CD 23 (9? DPO)

Just finding the time to write a post has been a challenge lately. We have some pretty big deadlines coming up with work and I feel like I'm the only one that cares. My overall fuck-you-world frame of mind probably doesn't help much either. Whatever, it's where I am at.

The bad: My blood work came back after the cancelled IUI and it showed that I had indeed ovulated a day or two prior. I'm glad my RE suggested that we sit this one out and bank the money because it would have been a futile attempt, but it sucks balls I had to go through all that just to have my body play games on me.

The good: No ovulation bleeding! Wow, right? So maybe Follistim is my drug. That said, it did a pretty crappy job on making my follicles grow. But I'm not so down the rabbit hole that I can't see that this is a move in the right direction.

The bad: My TSH has skyrocketed and no one knows why. I thought it was from the estrogen my doctor put me on, but my Endo just told me that it wouldn't act that fast (apparently it takes several weeks to have any impact). No one can give me a good answer because no one knows why this is happening. So they upped me on my thyroid meds yet again. Not that my theories are ever right, but I feel like my TSH is going to go way in the other direction. I'm feeling 50% lab rat and 50% yo-yo. 

The good: I think I miiiiiight be able to squeeze one more cycle in before I have to go travel. That said, my TSH needs to cooperate which I'm not hopeful of, but at least it's a maybe vs a no-way. 

The bad: Mother's Day sucked the big one. 

The good: I got my hair cut! I know this isn't anything fertility related, but it's been almost 7 months since my last cut (hello-treatments-sucking-up-every-extra-penny) and I was feeling pretty ragged. The new do feels really good. 

As you can see, I'm actively trying to see the good in things and not focus so much on the bad. It's hard though, because the bad is really, really bad: I'm not a mom, I have no baby. The good is nice and all- but how do you compare a good haircut to a child? Regardless, I'm trying. Some days are better than others. 

Cycle 16 (sometime after ovulation)

We've had a little movement on the home-front folks. Perhaps I won't be in a holding pattern for the rest of my life after all. I had a +OPK on April 8 and 9 (along with four days of EWCM) so when I went to Dr. D's office for my first post-beta bloodwork on the 12th, I was fairly positive I knew what the results were going to be.

And indeed, my HCG was sitting pretty at zero. My progesterone and estradoil levels showed that I had ovulated. However, because of where my levels were, the doc thought it had happened much earlier in the week. I'd eat my hat if I found out I'm not 10DPO right now though. The disappointing result was my TSH (no surprise there). It came back at 2.82 which is still far too high for a girl with Hashimotos that is trying to get knocked up. Apparently it can take up to 6 weeks for my TSH to restabilize and since it had only been 3 weeks at that point, I was told to wait and retest in a few weeks. Hrmph. 

Want to know something else that is interesting? No mysterious ovulation bleeding this month. Crazy right? To remind you, the pattern went as follows: 

• Never had any weird bleeding prior to starting injectables
• 1st cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding
• 2nd cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding
• Natural cycle: ovulation bleeding (but a little lighter)
• 3rd cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding & pregnancy
• Natural cycle to recover from miscarriage: no ovulation bleeding

I'm going to venture a guess and say that if I go back on Gonal-F next cycle, the bleeding will reappear. That said, apparently I can still get pregnant if there is bleeding, which my RE didn't think was possible. She also didn't think the Gonal-F was the culprit because she'd never seen or heard of anything like that before. Or maybe she will try a different kind of injectable? It will be really interesting to hear what she thinks about all this during my next visit- which will hopefully be next week sometime. 

In the meantime, Mike and I are headed down to spend the weekend at a secluded getaway. We'll have 10 acres of horse ranch, a steaming hottub, and all the non-diet food we can get our grubby hands on. Though we both have to bring some work with us, I'm hoping that the peace and tranquility will do us both well. 

Cycle 15, CD 5

Wow, radio silence for the last two(+) weeks, huh? Unfortunately, no news is not good news. I got my period five days ago.

In an effort to catch you all up as quickly and painlessly as possible, I'll put the highlights in pretty list form: 

• My biopsy results came back: big fat NORMAL. Is it bad that I was hoping something would show up? I'm desperate to put a face to all of this. Unfortunately, I'm still left hanging. From all the tests I've had, you'd think I was a healthy lady. Alas, we know that is not the case. 
• I finally met with my new endocrinologist. She was great and sent me for a battery of autoimmune disease/disorder tests. She seemed pretty sure everything would come back a-ok, but wanted to cover her bases. Good girl.
• I found out that my 40 year old sister is in full blown menopause. 
• That last one needed a bullet all to itself. I made my mom repeat the news 3 different times because I was sure I didn't hear her right. Apparently this started 2 years ago when she was 38(ish). For the record, I am currently 35 years old. It's not like I've not been shy with my sister about everything that has been going on with our infertility either. Why she didn't think this was important to tell me?! I'm not going to even go into it because I'm so fucking furious. When I reported this news to my endocrinologist, she said that early menopause could be autoimmune related (antibodies attacking ovaries). Next, my RE immediately sent me for an Anti Mullerian Hormone level test. Apparently this is supposed to be a better indicator than FSH and estradiol for ovarian reserve and tell me how far from menopause I am. Still waiting for the results. I just can't believe I'm even talking about menopause right now. I'm sure I'll delve deeper into this later, but right now I'm just pissed.
• At my CD2 u/s, we decided to go with the Gonal-F again this cycle. Since we now know the weird bleeding during ovulation was not caused by the meds, we figured we'd stick with it since I responded well to it previously. She also prescribed some antibiotics just in case I have an infection that is causing the bleeding. I'm not optimistic that is the issue. However, as long as things go as planned, we'll be doing an IUI sometime next week. 
• I started seeing a therapist. It was time. Crazy T was coming out to play too much. Have any of you watched United States of Tara on Showtime? If not, it's about a woman with multiple personality disorder (DID) and all the craziness that that entails. Well, I feel like I have several alters too. Crazy T is my angry-pissed-off-at-the-world-infertile alter. Margret is my I-can't-crawl-out-of-the-black-infertile-hole alter. Bobby is the infertile-alcoholic. There are a few more in there, but those are the main players. So yeah, therapy was the necessary next step. I think I need to feel her out some more before I make my final decision, but so far I think I like her ('I' meaning Bobby).

Cycle 14, CD 14 (10 DPO)

I'm still waiting for the results from that horrifyingly awful endometrial biopsy. I was told that they would be back within 2 weeks. Today was day 17... so I broke down and called.

They still aren't back.

In high school I was a hostess at a local restaurant. On the weekends we would get super busy and in turn, the wait would get really long. I always told people that the wait time was at least 20 to 30 minutes longer than I knew it would be. That way, when I finally called their name, they were absolutely thrilled that they got called early.

Why can't my clinic institute the same policy?

Cycle 14, CD 10

Yesterday I went in for those tests my RE talked about last week: a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy.

All I have to say is thank god for Vicodin. And Motrin. And Chipotle's burrito bowl (with guac).

The sonogram was fine and much to my relief, there were no polyps or fibroids or anything that didn't belong in there. My shiny uterus is actually, shiny after all!

The biopsy was very, very painful. But at least it didn't trigger that blasted vasovegal nerve reaction and I made without a visit to the ER or an attempt to end it all with a kitchen knife. Kidding... kind of. Results won't be back for another two weeks or so. So I have my waiting game-face on. But then again, I'm not sure when that really comes off.

Oh! And news from my annual gyn exam. I have a UTI that I didn't even know about. Oh joy. So much for those chronic UTIs going away after my cystoscope a few months back.

Tests, procedures, infections oh my!

Cycle 14, CD 6

When I called to set up my CD2 ultrasound earlier this week, the nurse told me that Dr. D wanted to see me and Mike for a WTF consult instead.

Fuck me. This is going to be the big IVF conversation, isn't it?

But it wasn't and I think sitting down with my doctor and finally getting everything out on the table was a good thing. After all, this was the first consult we've had since starting with this clinic back in June. In fact, for my (and Mike's) sanity, I wish we had done it sooner. Those 10 minute u/s appointments only leave you about 30 seconds to ask questions once the vag-cam is finished its probing. Ugg. I hate that thing.

Here are the highlights:

• My stinking thyroid: We are going to continue testing my thyroid every month from here on out. Dr. D confirmed that conception was probably not a possibility with it being as high as it was. The problem is, it went wonky sometime during the previous 6 months but we don't know exactly when. So all that Clomid, the IUI, Gonal-F, freaking out, was most likely all for naught. But we will never really know. I had it tested after the consult and it is currently at .773. Not between the target of 1 to 2 that we want, but not low enough for my RE to change my Synthroid dosage either. 
• Stupid Gonal-F: She thought the bleeding and crazy sore boobs sounded like it was due to a huge spike of estrogen brought on by ovulation. She's attributing it to the Gonal-F, though she's never seen or heard of anything like this before (go figure). The fact that it's only happened during the two cycles I've been on the Gonal seems like more than a coincidence. Not what I wanted to hear but at least it's a reason. She also said conception was probably never a possibility the last two months (which is what I was afraid of) because even if there was an embryo, it most likely would have been flushed out with the blood. So much for the last 8 months of trying. Fuck me. 
• Plan for this cycle: Dr. D suggested that we do a natural cycle this month. Of course, my stomach dropped and my gut reaction was to whine and plead like a little girl that wanted the newest talking teddy bear, but I need to trust her. She wants to see if the bleeding happens without the Gonal this month (I have a feeling it won't). And though I know our chances of conceiving are only 2% on an unmedicated cycle, I know that giving my body a break isn't a bad thing either. I will follow along, if not begrudgingly. 
• More tests: She also wants to do a sonohysterogram this cycle to look at my shiny uterus (I'm not sure if it's really shiny, but that's how I see it in my head) to see if there are any polyps. And if my ute gets the A-ok, then she will go a step further and do an endometrial biopsy to make sure there is no infection in my lining. My eyes just about zoinked out of my head when she mentioned this last one. I had an endometrial biopsy 4 years ago. Yeah, it didn't go so well and I ended up passing out on the side of the road after I left my Gyn's office. I woke up in an ambulance with the worst stomach pains I've ever experienced in my life. No joke. If I had a gun, I would have used it on myself. And I don't say things like that lightly. I have a fucked up vaseovegal response (inherited from my mom) which proves to be tricky in situations like this. As in, this is exactly what triggers it. Needless to say, I'll be going armed with vicoden and Mike to that appointment on Tuesday. Lord help me now. 
• Reviewing old tests: Dr. D is going to request the original films from my HSG. She said that it's not too common, but she has caught mistakes in the original reading of these things. Wouldn't that be a kicker? 
• Future plan: Provided the natural cycle is a bust (which of course it will be), we will continue with injectables (more than likely not Gonal) and IUIs. The stats show that our chances go up to 9% (big leagues) with medications and IUIs. So we'll be all over those like white on rice. She said we'll see how it goes, but at least 3 more IUIs and then we'll talk... 
• Future-future plan: IVF. Naturally, it's a last resort but she said that if we indeed have incompatible eggs/sperm, than this is our best bet (I don't know what she is talking about, I get along with everyone). She said it's too early to go the IVF route at the moment (which was reassuring to hear) but that we'll be looking at it in the next 6 months if nothing else works. Sweet, we have 6 months to save up $20,000. Maybe I'll have a yard sale...

Like I said, it was helpful and both Mike and I left feeling a little better. Like we had a plan. Mike was able to shoot a bunch of over-my-head questions at the doctor, and apparently she answered them satisfactorily. Which is good because it makes Mike feel better, which in turn makes me feel much better. So for now, we are able to put some old issues to bed and concentrate on the future. A future that I desperately hope has a positive ending.

No pun intended.