Cycle 18, CD 21 (11 DPIUI)

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Just picture me hanging my head in shame. I didn't mean to abandon this blog. But more importantly, I didn't want to you guys to think I abandoned you. Just so you know though, I never left; I've read each post you've written. I know *exactly* where each and every one of you are: the good, the bad, and the congratulatory. I've just been reading from my phone which likes to leave 13 duplicate posts for each comment so instead of subjecting you guys to that, I've been refraining from commenting. But I'm right by your sides and hopefully within the next few weeks I can get back to my old ways. In the meantime, think of me as your personal stalker.

Where have I been you ask? I wish I could say I've been doing something fun like windsurfing every day or too busy learning the ins and outs of my newly purchased u/s machine. Unfortunately the boring truth of it is I've been working. Hard. I've been working harder than I've ever worked in my life. And all this blood, sweat, and tears I've put into my job over the last 4 months is finally coming to a close. So this last month has kinda been like crunch time. A horrible, bumpy road that has given this perfectionist (points to self) an ulcer the size of a watermelon. Ok, so maybe I don't have an ulcer, but I feel like I should! Be that as it may, I apologize for my disappearing act.

I think I left off mid-2ww last cycle. That was the ugly loooong cycle with crappy follicles, high TSH, a missed IUI, and lots of bitter emotions. It ended with a very glaring negative pregnancy test. But of course it did.

After that debacle, Dr. D felt confident that we could sneak in one last cycle before I had to leave town for a bit. She wanted to try the Follistim again even though I reacted really badly to it the previous cycle. So in the spirit of compromise, I asked that we not do the estrogen supplements because it screwed with my TSH too much. It's like a game of Jenga, you have to be careful where you place each block or the entire tower might come tumbling down.

Long story short, for as bad as cycle 17 was, cycle 18 has been the opposite. I was only on stims for 7 days (hello shortest cycle ever!!), I had multiple big follicles, my TSH behaved beautifully, the IUI was perfectly timed (confirmed by an u/s), my husband's sample was rock-star quality, and I didn't have any bleeding at ovulation.

How's about them apples?

So here I sit at a hotel restaurant somewhere in middle America and I'm teetering on a tight rope. On the one hand I want to let in the hope so, so badly. I haven't had a good cycle in a long time and with this one, the stars finally aligned. If I were to ever allow myself to hope, it should be right now. But on the other hand, I've been at this long enough to know the more hope I allow in, the worse the pain is when it doesn't work. And that, my friends, is why infertility is the ultimate mind-fuck.

Cycle 16 (sometime after ovulation)

I've been working like mad the last few weeks. Pulling insane hours. My last day off was over a month ago. There isn't any more work to do than normal. No one asked me to do this. I just grabbed onto a few projects and didn't let go. It dawned on me the other day that maybe I am subconsciously doing this to try to distract myself from obsessive baby thoughts.

I haven't felt proud about anything for a long time. Quite the contrary, I've felt like an absolute failure. It's hard working for something for almost a year and a half only to have nothing to show for it. So maybe if I redirect that energy to my day job, I'll have something to be proud of. Maybe I'll feel good about myself again. 

Problem is, I'm not really sure it works that way. 

My blog reading schedule fell down the crapper last week. I woke up this morning at 5:30 to get all caught up. So though I may not have written any comments- do know that I've read each and every one of your posts. I'm cheering those follies on with some of you, being anxious waiting for symptoms & results with others, and jumping up and down with my pompoms rejoicing with Trisha.