Cycle 18, CD 21 (11 DPIUI)

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Just picture me hanging my head in shame. I didn't mean to abandon this blog. But more importantly, I didn't want to you guys to think I abandoned you. Just so you know though, I never left; I've read each post you've written. I know *exactly* where each and every one of you are: the good, the bad, and the congratulatory. I've just been reading from my phone which likes to leave 13 duplicate posts for each comment so instead of subjecting you guys to that, I've been refraining from commenting. But I'm right by your sides and hopefully within the next few weeks I can get back to my old ways. In the meantime, think of me as your personal stalker.

Where have I been you ask? I wish I could say I've been doing something fun like windsurfing every day or too busy learning the ins and outs of my newly purchased u/s machine. Unfortunately the boring truth of it is I've been working. Hard. I've been working harder than I've ever worked in my life. And all this blood, sweat, and tears I've put into my job over the last 4 months is finally coming to a close. So this last month has kinda been like crunch time. A horrible, bumpy road that has given this perfectionist (points to self) an ulcer the size of a watermelon. Ok, so maybe I don't have an ulcer, but I feel like I should! Be that as it may, I apologize for my disappearing act.

I think I left off mid-2ww last cycle. That was the ugly loooong cycle with crappy follicles, high TSH, a missed IUI, and lots of bitter emotions. It ended with a very glaring negative pregnancy test. But of course it did.

After that debacle, Dr. D felt confident that we could sneak in one last cycle before I had to leave town for a bit. She wanted to try the Follistim again even though I reacted really badly to it the previous cycle. So in the spirit of compromise, I asked that we not do the estrogen supplements because it screwed with my TSH too much. It's like a game of Jenga, you have to be careful where you place each block or the entire tower might come tumbling down.

Long story short, for as bad as cycle 17 was, cycle 18 has been the opposite. I was only on stims for 7 days (hello shortest cycle ever!!), I had multiple big follicles, my TSH behaved beautifully, the IUI was perfectly timed (confirmed by an u/s), my husband's sample was rock-star quality, and I didn't have any bleeding at ovulation.

How's about them apples?

So here I sit at a hotel restaurant somewhere in middle America and I'm teetering on a tight rope. On the one hand I want to let in the hope so, so badly. I haven't had a good cycle in a long time and with this one, the stars finally aligned. If I were to ever allow myself to hope, it should be right now. But on the other hand, I've been at this long enough to know the more hope I allow in, the worse the pain is when it doesn't work. And that, my friends, is why infertility is the ultimate mind-fuck.

Cycle 17, CD 23 (9? DPO)

Just finding the time to write a post has been a challenge lately. We have some pretty big deadlines coming up with work and I feel like I'm the only one that cares. My overall fuck-you-world frame of mind probably doesn't help much either. Whatever, it's where I am at.

The bad: My blood work came back after the cancelled IUI and it showed that I had indeed ovulated a day or two prior. I'm glad my RE suggested that we sit this one out and bank the money because it would have been a futile attempt, but it sucks balls I had to go through all that just to have my body play games on me.

The good: No ovulation bleeding! Wow, right? So maybe Follistim is my drug. That said, it did a pretty crappy job on making my follicles grow. But I'm not so down the rabbit hole that I can't see that this is a move in the right direction.

The bad: My TSH has skyrocketed and no one knows why. I thought it was from the estrogen my doctor put me on, but my Endo just told me that it wouldn't act that fast (apparently it takes several weeks to have any impact). No one can give me a good answer because no one knows why this is happening. So they upped me on my thyroid meds yet again. Not that my theories are ever right, but I feel like my TSH is going to go way in the other direction. I'm feeling 50% lab rat and 50% yo-yo. 

The good: I think I miiiiiight be able to squeeze one more cycle in before I have to go travel. That said, my TSH needs to cooperate which I'm not hopeful of, but at least it's a maybe vs a no-way. 

The bad: Mother's Day sucked the big one. 

The good: I got my hair cut! I know this isn't anything fertility related, but it's been almost 7 months since my last cut (hello-treatments-sucking-up-every-extra-penny) and I was feeling pretty ragged. The new do feels really good. 

As you can see, I'm actively trying to see the good in things and not focus so much on the bad. It's hard though, because the bad is really, really bad: I'm not a mom, I have no baby. The good is nice and all- but how do you compare a good haircut to a child? Regardless, I'm trying. Some days are better than others.