Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Cycle 21, CD 20(ish)

I'm so sorry for falling silent. It wasn't my intention. Life has been a bit... overwhelming lately. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was my blog writing and reading. So please accept my belated warm, holiday wishes and a genuine embrace for each and every one of you in this new year. I know we are all hoping for a better 2013. Because, well- 2012 can suck it.

To catch up a bit:

- Sometime in mid-December I reached my official 2 year mark. It's been two very long, hard years of trying to grow our family. 2011 was filled with uncertainty, apprehension, and 12 negative pee sticks. 2012 was something else entirely: 3 miscarriages and a whole heap of loss and pain. I know 2013 will bring a different story. I just don't know what that is yet. My expectations aren't deluded or high. I would just be content with some peace.

- I was surprised when my cycle returned so quickly after my D&C. I was impressed with my body's ability to recover (I started a new cycle a mere 2 weeks after surgery). Unfortunately it wasn't that easy. A short fourteen days after I got my first period, I got another. I don't blame my body though- I've been turned upside down too. Dr. D wasn't concerned, so I decided not to be either. I'm sick of worrying about things I can't control.

- You might remember, during my last pregnancy my therapist, Zsa-Zsa, lobbed a few bombs at me. It wasn't cool and knew that I couldn't trust her. But I also knew I was in crisis. Of anything I've ever been through in my life, waiting for that pregnancy to end, for my baby's heart to stop beating, was the single hardest thing I've ever experienced. The anxiety felt like it was being pumped through amplifiers as big as a house. I couldn't breath. I knew I needed professional help. After many failed attempts to find someone covered by my insurance, I turned to the Resolve website. There, I found, Cindy.

Cindy is, in a word, amazing. She specializes in infertility and couples therapy and she is exactly what I needed. I've seen a therapist on and off my entire life- but after meeting with her just once, I felt like it was my first time. My first time with a *real* therapist. She didn't just sit there listening to me vomit out my pain. No. She actually gave me tools to get through it. Things that I could use when I was home alone and felt the walls crumbling. Things that I could use while in my clinic waiting for my second D&C. Things that I'm still using to heal more everyday. She didn't make everything better, she didn't cure my pain, but she helped me survive it- and not let it consume me. I am so thankful for her.

- Trying for baby has been put on hold. I don't know for how long- but it's going to be some time. Healing and closure, in many different ways, has to happen first. More on that later when I can put my thoughts together better.

Much love to you all. I've missed you and hope to return to my regular schedule of writing and reading. This community is amazing and a source of great strength for me.

23 comments:

  1. I checked your blog earlier today to see if I had missed any posts. Sorry that you passed the two year mark. It's hard. I hope that 2013 has something great for you.

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    1. Two years is hard indeed. I hope 2013 has some healing in store for all of us.

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  2. I'm so glad you were able to find Cindy. It's amazing how many therapists exist and yet how few actually have the skills to help people. Cindy sounds amazing. I hope that with her you continue to heal and regain your strength.

    Thinking of you and wishing that 2013 is a year of good things and clear paths. May there be hope.

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    1. I just find it funny that you found Cindy within a few days of me finding her. Great minds, eh? Clear paths to both of us m'dear. Clear paths.

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  3. Welcome back! I'm curious about the "tools" Cindy has given you ... are they things you can or would share on here? I only had one appointment with an infertility therapist and she kept asking me "What do you need?". She told us we should try to "normalize" our lives. I kind of thought she might have more to offer than that, so I was pretty disappointed and didn't see her again. I'm so happy to hear it's working out for you!

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    1. I'm happy to share some of her techniques. Much of what she helped me with to get through my last pregnancy was guided visualization techniques. It's something I'd heard of before, but never felt comfortable doing myself. Cindy helped ease me through it. And despite my skepticism, it really helped. It was also something I could do by myself. I'll try to do a full post on this soon. I really feel that it is all about finding the RIGHT therapist. After all I've experienced, I really feel that they are diamonds in the rough. You should never settle for anyone less than what you feel is right.

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  4. I hope the new year brings hope, healing, and happiness for you. You deserve nothing less.

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    1. Thanks so much D. I hope for all the same things for you. I've missed you.

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  5. I've been thinking of you, Tutti, and missing you. You're right -- 2012 can suck it. Please, please, please let 2013 be better for us all. A big New Year's squeeze, my friend.

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    1. Oh Cassie, you are such a sweetheart. Squeeze received and returned my friend.

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  6. You're right 2013 has to be better!

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  7. 2013 has to be better than the last. S glad you found someone good to talk to. I have toyed with the idea for a while, but haven't gotten up the courage. I hope your cycles continue to regulate. It's crazy how every time after surgery is different. So good to hear from you, as always!

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    1. After experiencing both sides, my eyes are now wide open to the vast differences a good therapist can make. I would highly recommend looking at therapist referrals on the Resolve.org site. Or, asking your RE as they should know of people specializing in IF (hopefully the two should have some overlap).

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  8. I'm still completely shocked by your previous therapist's behaviour and I'm so happy that you've found Cindy.

    I hope 2013 brings you peace, healing, and happiness.

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    1. I bumped into Zsa-Zsa at a local shopping center over the holidays. We spoke *very* briefly and I hurried away. She texted me the next day and told me that she thinks a lot about me, wishes me the best, and offered to help me find someone else because she thinks I need it. So not professional. So not ok.

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  9. Hitting the two year mark was really hard. I think that it is great that you have found Cindy. I think we all need a Cindy in our life.

    Here's to 2013 being better than 2012- for all of us!

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    1. I wish I could bottle Cindy-ness up and hand it out to everyone in this community. She is amazing and helps with the healing in ways that I didn't know existed before.

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  10. I LOVE YOU! I've missed you girl. Call me and we will plan this weekend!

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    1. I love you too sweets. Check you inbox :)

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  11. Healing time is a good idea and Cindy sounds wonderful. The couple of sessions I have had with an IF specialist have really helped me. You were missed. Hugs my dear.

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    1. Amazing the difference between a specialist and not, eh? It like if you went to an eye doctor for IVF. Missed you too hun!

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  12. I am so glad you are back; I have missed your posts - and you. I am so glad you found a new therapist that understands what is going on and can be the support you need. I have such high hopes that 2013 will be a better year. Thinking of you constantly.

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