I was so taken aback by the outpouring of love and support after my last post. Saying thank you seems painfully trite. To be honest, I was terrified to write about the dissolution of my marriage. It is topic that typically elicits much judgement.
Truth be told, I am embarrassed. Horrified. Grief stricken.
Part of me wonders what I did to deserve all this. The other part screams back, "Nothing! You did nothing to deserve this." I toggle back and forth every 5 minutes.
So yeah, the bucketfuls of love that came screaming through last week was something I needed very badly. Thank you.
Right now I'm overwhelmed by the logistics: packing, selling our condo, disentangling my life from someone that thought I would be with forever, filing divorce papers, work obligations, finances, contractors, moving, jury duty, being sick. It's all just, so much.
On top of all that there are the emotions. Some days I can ignore them, put my head down and plow forward. Other days, they overwhelm me. Growing up I always said I didn't believe in divorce. I told this to Mike over and over again prior to getting married. Not that I didn't think it was right for others, just not for me. I always thought that if two people loved each other enough, you could work through anything. What I didn't realize is that unless both people work at it, it is not possible.
Mike stopped working a long time ago.
This was not the easy decision.
But it is the right one.
I'm choosing love. Love for myself. My life. My future child.
I have nominated you for the Leibster award. http://eskimokisses4u.blogspot.com/2013/01/leibster-award.html
ReplyDeleteThanks for the nomination. You make me blush.
DeleteSending you lots of love and strength!
ReplyDeleteKel- I'm so appreciative of your unfailing support. Means the world to me.
DeleteSo glad you felt the love that you have so graciously offered to others, even amidst your most difficult times. I can't imagine the burden of all of your emotions right now. But I'm so glad you ended this post with love and a heart looking forward.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I've ever felt so uplifted by a group of (virtual) strangers before. Scratch that, I *know* I haven't. It's a beautiful thing.
DeleteLove you more than I can say. I think about you daily. I hope we can find sometime next weekend to get together, although its only been a few weeks since I saw you I already miss that great smile and sweet spirit. You are doing the right thing my love, it may not be the easiest thing but it is the right thing. It is time to take care of yourself and you are doing just that. I'm forever here for you whenever you need me.
ReplyDeleteOh T. What can I say. You have been this little beckon of light for me over the last year. I struggle to think of my life prior to becoming friends with you and it always seems to me that there was something missing. You are my strength and my rock. I wish I could say it more eloquently than that- but just know it is true. xo
DeleteI am sending you so much love, support and strength. I can't imagine how hard this decision is, and I am sure it is not one that was come to lightly. If there is anything I've noticed in reading your words over the past year, it is that you are strong and you will make it through this. And I will be here for you every step of the way. xoxox
ReplyDeleteOh B. What may have started off as a co-dependent (commenting) relationship has grown to something totally real :). Your love is felt. Even from so far away.
DeleteSending you lots of positive thoughts! I am sure you are overwhelmed by everything to do. Jury duty? Really? On top of everything? Hoepfully you can get out of that! You should be very proud of yourself for putting yourself first! That is so important.
ReplyDeleteHaha. Yeah, the jury duty was the cherry on top. As I was sitting there listing to the plaintiff, her complaints seemed so... trivial (I know she had a right to be there, but still!!). Unbelievable timing. Eesh.
DeleteTutti, I ache for you. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to take this step, but taking it anyways is indeed a testament to your strength. I admire you for so many things, but especially for this. You are wise. You are beautiful. Your heart and capacity to love is bigger than all seven seas combined. And you're right...you don't deserve this. You deserve BETTER. I commend you for finally putting yourself first. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help, even in a small way. All my love and hugs to you, my sweet, sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. My divorce was final five years ago this coming February and I'm still healing. I chose love and safety for myself (and my daughter) over an emotionally abusive marriage. I still mourn the fact that neither of us were in a place to work through our issues. You're right - it takes two people working to fix what is broken in a marriage. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteLove you! Love you! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI learned years ago how wrong my assumptions were about divorce. Sure, there are people who truly view marriage as a temporary thing with divorce being the first option when things get hard. But after watching people I loved go through the process, I learned how difficult and life-altering it truly is.
ReplyDeleteI've told you this before and I will continue to tell you the same thing: you need to come first right now. I know how hard you've worked to try to salvage this relationship. You've given far more than most people ever will. How I wish I could make this process easier for you. Instead I will continue to reassure you that this is not your fault and you are doing amazing with all of this. It's truly a lot and I hope things come together and all the details can be worked out as smoothly as possible.
Continuing to send you love and many hugs. And don't hesitate to ask if you need anything.
Allow me to scream at you as well. You did nothing to deserve this! It sucks to realize that sometimes really bad crap just happens and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, but it takes two people to work at a marriage and as you know they are definitely WORK. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to leave any relationship where you genuinely care about the other person but realize that it is not healthy for you to be there anymore. Anyone who would throw judgment at you for that is kidding themselves.
ReplyDeletei hear you and am right there with you - divorce. selling condo. so much grief. so much hope for the future. hang in there and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI told you this before but I'm so glad you have chosen yourself, and love yourself that much to let go. You are so strong. I'm sure you hear from everyone, but I hope you really know it. You are so friggin strong girl...way stronger then most!!! Love you...and know that I nam here for you whenever or whatever you may need!!!
ReplyDeleteOh friend I've been thinking about you....I wish I could give you a hug and talk about it all....sending you strength when you need it most. I hope you will find peace and can see happiness in the future....you will find it and I will be here each step of the way!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to go through any of this, let alone all of it at once. I'm proud of you for standing up for what you need, even though it hurts. Know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace as you navigate this difficult road.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and strength! I KNOW you'll get to where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you're having to figure all of this out. I refrained from commenting on your last post because I wasn't totally sure that this was the case, and didn't want to assume anything. While I'm not in this exact boat with you, there have been MANY times I thought I might be very soon, and even trying to think through the logistics was incredibly overwhelming. I'll continue to abide with you - you DON'T deserve this, but I think you will definitely come out stronger on the other side, though I'm sure it won't feel like that much of the time. If you can take some time to consult any online resources that might help you when you need it, I know that Ask Moxie (askmoxie.org) has gone through this (with two kids, though, fair warning) and has compiled a LOT of posts on divorce. Her commenters are great, too - if you send her an email I bet your post will go up and you'll receive boatloads of wonderful support from women who have been there and been able to flourish in the end, as well as those who are in the thick of it right now. Big hugs to you....
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that I haven't been around to check on you. I haven't seen you come up on my feed in a while. I have no words love. If you need anything or just to talk, I'm here. Thinking of you. I just want you to be okay.
ReplyDelete