Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Cycle 23, CD 2

I wish that I had been able to chronicle the events of the last month so that maybe someday I could look back on it and reflect, maybe allow for some extra processing, and not keep you guys in the lurch. But it has just been too intense. I simultaneously feel like each day goes by in blink and like each day is a long battle that has no end.

At some point I owe you all an explanation of what happened. Why my marriage failed. What went so horribly wrong. But right now I'm still too close to it. It's still too raw. The betrayal and anger are coloring my world too vividly right now. I need distance and a bit of perspective to be able to dissect it better. Please bare with me for a bit.

Logistically things are moving forward very quickly. I have filed the preliminary divorce paperwork. Mike has signed. Our home went on the market two weeks ago. By some miracle, we are already in escrow. If things continue to work as they should, my home will be occupied by its new owners within the next few weeks. The cogs are in motion.

A friend asked me a simple question the other day, "How are things going over there?" I used humor in an analogy. I told her that if a priest came to my door, he would immediately douse it in holy water because the evil energy is so palpable. I think a hefty dose of garlic might be in order too- you know, just in case. Sometimes you need to laugh in the face of pain. In a normal divorce (is there such a thing?) one or both people move out immediately. But due to finances, neither of us were able to do that. We have been, and continue to, live under the same roof. It is a hell I don't wish on anyone. My days are lived in dread of  hearing that front door lock un-hitch and seeing Mike walk in.

I used to think this was the man I would live my life with forever. Love unconditionally. Be the father of my children. But now he has morphed into the man that makes my stomach lurch and feel the raw emotion of hatred. How is that even possible?

Last Sunday I went to breakfast with a good girlfriend of mine. We were supposed to go shopping but got too caught up in our migas and Bloody Marys on the beach. I had wanted to get some new Converse sneakers for the long road trip back east (my new landing spot), but it didn't happen. Toes in the sand, a bit of numbing alcohol, and the warm sun on our faces seemed too good to rip away from. No regrets; we had a wonderful, healing afternoon together. So much better than retail therapy.

But tonight as I stepped out to walk the dog, I was surprised to find a package on my doorstep. It wasn't something I ordered, but it had my name on it. Confused, I gingerly pried it open. The box contained a brand new pair of bright red Converse. I was immediately hit by a sense of overwhelming... love... friendship... compassion... understanding.

Kind of like the symbolic socks that Cristy sent me after my last miscarriage, I immediately knew that these were more than just new bad-ass new sneakers. These were a modern version of my own ruby reds. And they are going to take me home.

All I need to do now, is click my heels.


  1. I love, love, love the sneakers! Sending you love and strength. xo

  2. goosebumps ... wow.

    you are so inspiring and strong. i'm sending you lots of good thoughts.

    you will be home so soon and i couldn't be happier for you.

    love you.

  3. I've been thinking of you, friend. So much. I know this is such a painful, difficult, confusing, awkward time and I just want you to be okay. I hope that going back east provides you with an immense amount of healing and strength. There's no place like home, right? XO

  4. You don't owe us an explanation of anything. Who can truly unwind the web of why a relationship ends? I'm just glad to know you are still here with us and I hope this community can continue to offer some small comfort as you adjust to your new normal. I'm thinking about you and praying for you often. Those sneakers are *awesome* and hopefully an omen of more pleasant days ahead. ::hug::

  5. Oh Hun, I'm so glad to see you back here. You've been on my mind so much. I love those shoes so much more then you know. My very best friend Anthony passed away 2 1/2 years ago. We all knew he wasn't going to make in the end, and so did he. He had a friend go out and purchase a pair of red converse for his boyfriend.....because Anthony's moto was these shoes are going to take everywhere and anywhere you want, and at the end of the day when you've had a bad or are missing me look down at look at those ruby red shoes, and remember to smile, because life is going to get better. Kevin his boyfriend has since gone through 3 pairs. Everywhere he goes, a trip or to the park, he will take a picture of them with his feet up and send it to us. I love them so much, and so will you. Yu life is really just beginning.....that I believe with all my heart. Wonderful things are about to happen for you, I can feel it.

    I want to see you before you leave for the east coast. Lets please do a dinner, not coffee, or lunch something nice!!! I'll email you soon, as I know space and time is needed.

  6. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to be living in your house with your soon-to-be ex. That's great news that the house sold quickly so that you can be out and living on your own soon.

    Thinking of you....

  7. I've been thinking of you a lot and wondering how you're doing. I'm glad things are moving with the sale of your house so you can get moving, too. I love the shoes and all they represent for you!

  8. My ex and I had to co-habitate in our house the last two months between filing and our divorce being finalized. It was absolute hell. I'm glad you will be able to click your heels soon.

  9. I've been thinking of you, Tutti. It is good to hear your voice again in this space. You owe me nothing in terms of an explanation. I owe you nothing but support in return for all your kind words. Safe travels, my friend.

  10. I have been thinking about you and I was so glad to see you pop up in my feed. I am so glad you have not gone and are just taking the time you need. I hope you will keep popping back.

    Those shoes are utterly gorgeous and I feel that I may need a pair......

  11. So glad to see you back and moving forward. It's a hard journey but it will be worth it in the end to get the peace of mind you need. I only need to think back to a bad breakup or two to imagine how hard it must be to be living in the same house after things have ended. I hope the legal mumbo-jumbo gets sorted out quickly and you get get on with being happy. You so deserve it!

  12. Love your shoes and all they represent. May they carry you well on this new step of your journey - and many more to come.