Monday, November 5, 2012

Recovery: day 5

The D&C went as well as something like that could go. I'm still sore and bleeding but slowly mending. Physically at least.

I just want to thank you all again. Your comments, emails, texts, gifts- all have given me that push I need to make it on to the next day. I firmly believe that this community is like no other in the world. The amount of support and caring has been overwhelming. I've found myself suffering from insomnia these last few weeks and often find myself at my computer in the dark hours of the morning, knees tucked to my chin, reading and rereading all your compassionate words. As the glow of my computer screen illuminates my tears, I imagine the embraces that you've all sent. It helps with the pain until sleep finally finds me.

I missed a big day the other day. Last Friday was the year anniversary of this blog. I wanted to write, but my friends were here and I was doped up on vicodin for most of the weekend. So though I'm reflecting a few days late, the sentiment is still the same.

This time last year I was nearing the end of a tww after my first IUI and 3rd round of Clomid (which turned out to be a failed cycle). I was scared and trying to protect my tender underbelly with anger and distance. I was asking the 'why me?' questions. I was stomping my feet at the universe like an angry little girl. But for as scary as that time was, I had no idea how much more brutal it would become in the following months.

Not one of us that is still enduring infertility ever thought we would still be here after so much time. In the back of our minds we all thought that this road to hell would have ended by now, the pain rewarded with a dream come true. Instead, these last 365 days have brought pain bigger and more devastating than I ever knew existed. I never imagined that in a year I would lose three pregnancies and two babies. Then there are the other casualties: injured friendships and family relationships, lost travel and work opportunities, tens of thousands of dollars spent on doctors/ IF treatments/ medications/ therapy/ acupuncture with zero return, emotional crisis after emotional crisis, physical hardships, depression, and a broken marriage.

This year has left me permanently scarred. I am so very different from the person I was just a year ago. I feel like I've been beaten and abused. For a long time I fought back, bared my teeth and used my claws to defend myself. But eventually it became too much. After almost two years of cruelty, I'm left hunched in the corner wondering how many more blows my captor has in him. I am weak from all the pain and grief. And instead of wondering hopefully where I will be a year from now, I cower at the thought of the future.

9 comments:

  1. Big hugs from someone who has been there (7.5 IVF's/4 m/c). The worst place to be is the place with no hope. May you find your hope soon.

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  2. Repeated loss definitely leaves scars. Yet I often thought that the reminders of the past were not as scary as the unknown of the future - I was paralyzed in not knowing if we would ever reach an "after." I hope you are surrounded by love and support as you continue to wage this war, however you choose to do so.

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  3. Many hugs, lady. May this next year be a better one.

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  4. I am so sorry for all you have gone through in the past year...it is more than a person should have to go through in a lifetime. I know you are in pain now, but I also know that you are strong and you will bare your teeth and fight back again. And you have all of us here supporting you until you are ready to do so on your own (and then we will be here cheering you on). Sending you many hugs.

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  5. This year has been brutal. No denying it. To have you be in the position you are right now hurts my heart more than words can say. But if there is one small positive that came out of this year it was meeting you and gaining a friendship I never knew I could treasure so much. I know nothing can take away the pain that has come out of the past 12 months but I do hope you know what an amazing person you are. Changed or not.

    Believe it or not, I know you have a bright future ahead of you. I cannot say what will happen or when but I know that you are going to have a wonderful life. You are too special of a person NOT to. I love you so much and hope you know that. I think of you daily! I'm sending all my love and you know where you can find me, anytime day or night.

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  6. The last year has indeed been cruel and unfair to you and I'm so sorry. I don't understand any of it. I can only hope that, one day, you will look back on these hard months and marvel at your strength and perseverance. And more than anything, I hope that all of this pain will some day be worth it. Thinking of you every day... ~ hugs ~

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  7. It's been a year of hell for you. It's totally unfair and heartbreaking. I hope it's almost over and that one day soon you'll be on the road that leads to your happy ending.

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  8. Here and thinking of you. Huge hugs.

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