This is a dangerous place to be.
10 days passed IUI. I could probably test now. The trigger is most likely out of my system. But it could not be too- and I could get a false positive. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants. A false positive.
And you know the ironic thing? Is even though I'm sure this month is a bust, I will be devastated when I get that BFN. Devastated. I'll secretly test without telling Mike [because I have this fantasy of surprising him when I finally do get that positive- in some fun, ultra sweet, and memorable way] then when I see that blank space next to the pink line- my stomach will drop. I'll get pissed. I'll remain silent. And then when Mike unknowingly says something to me- I'll attack. He'll never even know what hit him.
And that's not fair. It's not my my husband's fault.
Last month I was super hopeful. My 2nd round of Clomid gave me 5 nice and mature follicles. Our RE's "official medical advice" was to cancel the cycle since the risk of multiples was so high. Her "unofficial advice" was to go for it as long as we weren't morally opposed to selective reduction. Morals went out the window a long time ago. So we went ahead and had sex. Lots of it. I couldn't risk missing this opportunity and secretly fantasized about having twins. Instead, I got nothing. 0 for 5. Not good.
After that, Dr. D gave us a tentative diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" and told us that IVF would probably be our best option- but that we should try IUI a few times just in case.
I cried for a week. I felt like I couldn't breath. Everything I looked at was black.
I hadn't fully recovered from last months blow when all I sudden I looked around and the nurse was giving me instructions on how to inject myself in the stomach with the Ovidrel trigger because we were proceeding with our first IUI later that weekend. I had two hue-mongous follicles. 26mm and 28mm. I was proud at first until Google told me that I shouldn't be so confident. Bigger does not mean better. I'm now wondering if they were too mature. Or will turn into cysts. Dr. D didn't seem concerned, but I've also learned that they tend to sugarcoat everything there because they are dealing with hyper-emotional [read: unstable] woman most of the time. I'd do the same if I were them.
The IUI was very simple. Mikes's sample wasn't as large as she would have liked, but that was because she instructed us to have sex the previous morning. I don't understand why she told us to do that if it means the sample is smaller for the IUI. There are so many things about this process that I don't understand. So many tiny little convoluted things. Things that I'm not even aware of. Things that I am aware of that I can't figure out. Things that are related, or not related but still have relevance.
Why does this complicated process work for the majority of the population, but not for me? I feel stupid saying that, but at the same time- how can I not feel that way? It's like I am a small child stomping her feet because the neighbor gave my sister a lollipop but not me. It's not fair.
Four days until I can test. Four days that I can enjoy not having bags under my eyes, or tears streaming down my face for the majority of the day. And night.