Friday, August 24, 2012

Recovery: day 22

Last night I spoke to a friend of mine, the same one I talked about in this post. We don't communicate often, but she sent me an email the other day to see how things were going. Because she has endured 7 failed IVF cycles and 6 unsuccessful pregnancies, I told her about my miscarriage. She and her husband decided to stop trying a few years ago and live without children. However, as she said, that decision doesn't automatically eliminate the sting of each new pregnancy announcement or make not having a baby in her arms any less painful. It doesn't mean she's able to fill that void with something else. It was a conversation that was not without tears, but offered some healing.

From where she stands now, she has a lot of insight into her fertility journey. She's careful with what she says because she knows this process is my own and doesn't want to influence that. But what she did say, made so much sense. She listened compassionately, she validated my feelings, and more than anything, she understood.

One of the things we talked about was my struggle with the ultra sound images that keep me awake at night. How badly they hurt and how I feel like all the monitoring and watching my baby grow has made healing so much harder. She paused and confirmed that is how she had felt each time she miscarried too. But then went on to say that she feels differently about it now. That those images are the only things that she has to hang on to. They are the only tangible reminders of the babies she loved so much. And instead of trying to not remember, she embraces each pregnancy that she had. Because even though they were fleeting, those were her children.

I sat with this all night.

And my friend is right. I'm glad I have those images to return to. Whether they be the ones burned into my memory or the ones I have tucked into my desk drawer. It's true they cause me pain now, but they are the only things that I have. And after all of this, I am thankful for my baby. She taught me what it feels like to be pregnant. She showed me what it was to love someone I'd never even met. And that, yes, I want to continue fight to be a mother. She was worth the pain I'm feeling. Even if she can't be here with me now.

I also took the advice that many of you left me- that I find a way to honor this pregnancy. Something, in addition to the photos, to hold on to. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and finally settled on a necklace. It wasn't easy to find, but when I did- I immediately felt it. It's an egg shaped piece of sea glass wrapped in a tangle of wire. With her zodiac sign being Pisces, it reminds me of the ocean, the waters that I live by, and where the fish swim. It's unique, and beautiful, and will be a constant reminder of the little one I never got to hold in my arms, but that will forever be in my heart.

PICTURE REMOVED

I am still raw. I still hurt every day. But I'm mending. And maybe gaining a little perspective along the way.

12 comments:

  1. Such a great post. I need to take this advice also and I will. I always see those images, one in particular of the third baby I lost waving and kicking...ten days later still and motionless. It haunts me too, but I will try to embrace it and that baby. Thank you..and I love your necklace. .

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is beautiful. I've actually been looking into necklaces as well, I was gonna talk to you about it on Sunday. But I do think there is a lot of truth to what your friend said. As hard as those images are now, in time they will become something to treasure. I know I have stuffed away my ultrasound pictures but I will not throw them away. Because that is all I have left of my child, a child that I desperately loved. When things are less raw I know I will want to remember. Believe it or not, I think you are doing great. You are a source of strength for me, because whatever I'm feeling I know you are too. We will get through this. Love you sweetie, can't wait to see you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The necklace is beautiful. I hope it brings you some comfort.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All of this brings up so many strong emotions in me. The necklace is beautiful and I'm glad you've found a wonderful way to memorialize your daughter. There's so much truth to what your friend said: as much as those images hurt now, there will come a day where they will be a source of comfort and a reminder of your daughter.

    For now, put those images in a safe place. If it's too painful, ask your husband to. In the meantime, focus on healing. As much as it doesn't feel like it, you are making progress every day. I see it with each post.

    Thinking of you and continuing to hold you in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's a beautiful necklace and I'm so glad you were able to find something that is the perfect fit. I cherish the necklace that I have with both of my baby's birthstones.

    And I do think your friend is right. While I never got to see my last baby on an ultrasound (alive), I have other mementos of my very short pregnancy and I hold them close to my heart because they are the only proof I have that this baby ever existed. And I will probably always talk to my daughter about the baby sibling she never got to meet. Sometimes I think how much easier it might have been if I had never gotten pregnant at all -- and yet I find it impossible to regret my pregnancy and my child. After all, he brought me nothing but happiness for all the days of his short life. I love him for that, and I hope eventually you can find comfort, peace, and healing in similar thoughts.

    Thinking of you always! ~ hugs ~

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm glad to hear you are mending. I think your necklace is beautiful, and such a beautiful way to honor her. I admire you for saving your ultrasound photos. I threw mine away, because I couldn't handle it, but now I very much regret that I did that. One thing that keeps me comfort is knowing that I was a mother for those 9 weeks. Many many hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just wanted to let you know that you have a new reader. My friend Tracy (blog - Journey to Somewhere) told me about your blog because she thought that our emotional journey was very similar right now. Thank you for writing so honestly about your journey. Healing thoughts headed your way.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What a beautiful way to honor your daughter. Thinking of you, and wishing you continued healing, and sending you hugs from afar.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love the idea of thinking about the images as a comfort and connection - even if not now, someday. And the necklace is such a beautiful reminder of your daughter. You are being so strong as you move through this. Always, always thinking of you. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your necklace is beautiful and I hope it brings you some comfort in these dark days. I think it's a wonderful thing to remember your daughter by, and I'm so sorry that you have to be going through this at all. Life can be so unfair. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hello! Sorry I'm just now getting to read this post - I had a crazy weekend with my nieces and then I didn't feel well for a few days. But I just wanted to stop by and say I'm so glad you have a friend who is there for you to help you through your grief. And a friend who actually UNDERSTANDS what it's like. It's such a huge comfort to have understanding and empathy. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for writing this. I just read it. I am haunted by the u/s images, the sound of the heartbeat and the image of the beautiful heart beating. I almost wish I didn't have those images and memories. It keeps me awake at night and wakes me up in the morning early.

    ReplyDelete