Recovery: day 4

I keep going back to when I was sitting in my Ob's office. While there, I remember thinking to myself about how much had changed in just a matter of months. The last time I was in that office was for an annual checkup. I had just tested (negative) and was not happy- and I didn't keep it to myself. When my Ob walked into the exam room and cheerfully asked how I was doing, I replied, "Shitty". It was clear I made her feel uncomfortable. I didn't care. I was sick of candy coating it. I was infertile and pissed off.

Fast forward six months, and there I was sitting in that same waiting room. This time next to a woman with a newborn. I was amazed at how at ease I felt. It was the first time I didn't feel like chewing on a new mother's nativity and spitting it out, hopefully leaving her to feel just some of my pain. No, this time I sat there not quite feeling like part of the club, but feeling that maybe they'd let me in soon. Feeling, more at peace than I had in a long time.

But how quickly it all came rushing back. Rooted in my belly and more ferocious than ever.

My default is anger. It is a powerful emotion and it puts me in control. I can direct it at specific people or things. I can cut deep with it and feel satisfied that I'm able to inflict pain at will. I don't like how it feels, but it feels better than sadness. Or helplessness. I need to break this habit. Relinquish some control. Put faith in the future. In my future. In my desire to be happy again. It's hard though.

I wasn't prepared for a the call I got today. It was Dr. D. It was her first day back at the clinic and she'd just heard what happened. She said all the right things- all of which I needed to hear from her. She also told me the results of my RPL panel came came back. It was supposed to take ten business days for the results, not two. How often does that happen?

Lots of biology mumbo-jumbo, but the long and short of it was there was an extra chromosome. Chromosome 11 to be exact. Just a twist of nature. Things didn't line up quite as they should. Not conducive to sustainable life. It came from the paternal side- a bad sperm they said. And it was a total fluke. The chances of this happening again are less than 1%.

And, it was a girl.