The bleeding has finally stopped, the fighting with my husband has (mostly) subsided, and I'm left in a strange place of needing to move forward yet unwilling to do so. The anger hasn't gone anywhere. Though now it's turned mostly inward. My self worth its latest victim.
I'm due for a perfunctory checkup on Thursday to see my battle scarred ute and stagnant ovaries. Oh joy.
I've been struggling with the miracles of technology lately. Without the images of our growing baby blasted from the ultrasound machine each week, I wouldn't see her so vividly every time I close my eyes. Without all that monitoring I don't think I'd be so bloody attached. Attached some, yes of course. But not as much as I am now. I saw her. I saw her alive and I saw her dead. And in a few days I'll see where she was supposed to be, all cuddled up and growing strong.
My mom suffered 3 miscarriages in her quest for my sister, me, and a sibling that never survived. All early before 8 weeks. However, she said that when she thinks back to those times she only remembers the physical pain of the babies passing. And then nothing else. Is that because time has healed her wounds or is it because she doesn't have any images to return to? I'm afraid to let go because that baby was more than a blip on the screen. She was my tiny 8-week old daughter.
I've often thought about this. Things I've seen seem to stick with me for a long time, and I've wondered sometimes if it would have been better to close my eyes or turn away. But there's no way you could have known that this little baby was not going to stay with you. I'm sorry you lost her. I'm sorry you're in pain.
ReplyDeleteCristy has a wonderful idea and I second it. That little image on the ultrasound was your daughter and you have every right to want to remember and honor her. I am praying for continued healing and strength for you - I know in time you will find the light again ::hug::
ReplyDeleteNo matter how long she was with you, you're right, she's your daughter. I got a tattoo after my first loss, and a necklace. They have so many beautiful pieces of remembrance jewelry. Not sure if it will help you or not, but it made me feel like I always had my child with me.
ReplyDeleteI've wondered the same thing. The first image and heartbeat of the child I lost is seared in my mind. I too bought a necklace. The August birthstone. It gives me something tangible to hold on to.
ReplyDeleteTime will help you decide what is right for you. And unfortunately it may be the only thing that will.
Time will help you heal through this, but it's okay to still be angry. I'm still angry. It's hard going back into the room and getting an ultrasound all over again. But you are strong and you can do this. It's true you did have a 8 week old daughter, and for those 8 weeks you were a mom. I'm so sorry all of this happening.
ReplyDeleteThe images will always be there....hang in there.i hope to be right behind you in recovering and moving forward. If you find a fast forward button hit it for me too.
ReplyDeleteAs always, my heart goes out to you. I do know this feeling so well. Three months ago, it could have been me writing these same words. There IS no fast forward button, but I think with more distance from the pain, time does seem to speed up. I still feel sad and angry at times (many times), but it's gotten easier and my heart is a little less heavy. Please know I'm thinking about you. ~ hugs ~
ReplyDeleteI like other posters' ideas of having something tangible to represent her. I think that is a great way to memorialize her and hopefully will help you as you are moving forward. As always, thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteCristy's idea of a memorial sounds like a good option to consider. In time you will figure out the best way to honor her that feels right for you. I'm continually thinking of and praying for you.
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