Monday, April 9, 2012

Cycle 16 (in limbo)

Every day I think about posting. And every day I realize I don't have much to say. So I don't.

It's been 32 days since I last saw my doctor. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were breaking up. I'm due in for b/w this Thursday. I wonder if I'll remember how to get there. They very well could have moved offices by now.

I'm fairly certain that I'm gearing up to ovulate. EWCM showed yesterday. OPK was decently dark last night. That said, I've never been so unenthusiastic to ovulate. I guess it's because I know that I could have sex with my husband every 15 minutes for the next 7 days and there is no way it will work. So, I'll have to wait for my next cycle to start before we're back on the bandwagon. That is, provided my thyroid is willing to cooperate. And we know he's a fickle one.

I wish I could say this was a welcomed break. Even emotionally. But it's not been. I think I tried to convince myself that this would give me a chance to regroup and be that much stronger when it was time to go back. I tried to organize my life and attack a few things that had been left 1/2 done around the house. I tried not to think about anything fertility related. I even taught myself how to rewire an electrical outlet and make keylime pie from scratch. But when it comes down to it, I'm in the exact same place.

I think Trisha said it best today: "Life is the same as it always is, me hurting and un-pregnant trying to get through life pretending like I am ok".

My sister called my yesterday. There was a lull in the conversation and I knew what was coming (in that horrible, hushed voice she uses), "So, how are you doing with everything?"

How the fuck am I supposed to be doing? I'm 35, I have no baby, I cry daily, I'm not living my life, I fight with my husband because he just doesn't seem to get it, I hate how I look, I have lost faith that this will ever happen for me, I cannot relate to anyone anymore, I have no energy, no drive, no passion, I feel abandoned by everyone, I look forward to bedtime so I can escape myself for at least 8 hours, and I fell and sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago and think that is the universe's way of laughing even harder at me.

Instead, I said "Oh pretty good".


  1. Oh sweetie, I think your last paragraph described the me of two months ago exactly. I wish I had words of wisdom as to how to get out from under that rock, but I don't know what happened. One day I woke up and realized, hey! I'm not sad today. Therapy has helped. Acupuncture has helped. The fact that it finally stopped raining has helped. But I know I'm teetering on the edge of falling back into that dark place again. I wish I knew what to tell you to make it better.

  2. I have no good words of wisdom, so all I can offer up is commiseration. It totally sucks. Even on a "good day" I still feel about 2/3 of your last paragraph. Wish I could send you a big chicken soup, or hug, or vodka tonic. In lieu of all that, just know I am thinking of you.

  3. I don't have any wisdom or helpful thoughts unfortunately. Sometimes we crawl into that dark hole and I guess we each find our own way back out again. I advise drinking, but then that's not very healthy. It is supremely awful how you can try to convince yourself that you're okay, distract yourself with little projects, but at the end of the day nothing serves to fill the gaping hole in your heart. ::hug:: I hope that it is some small comfort that we are here, to commiserate, empathize, offer you whatever your vice of choice might be. I'm thinking of you.

  4. Sometimes it does feel like we're just passing time, waiting for the end to come, but the end keeps moving further and further away. There's no way around it. It's hard.

    I felt this way after our first IVF failed, when I found it really hard not to let my thoughts run away with themselves, always finding the darkest path and often leading to "I don't know if this will ever work."

    I hope your ankle and your spirits start to feel better soon. For me there is an ebb and flow to my emotions, and sometimes I feel okay, while other times I feel myself sliding toward depression. Don't forget to lean on us when you need to. Things will get better.