Monday, August 6, 2012

Recovery: day 4

I keep going back to when I was sitting in my Ob's office. While there, I remember thinking to myself about how much had changed in just a matter of months. The last time I was in that office was for an annual checkup. I had just tested (negative) and was not happy- and I didn't keep it to myself. When my Ob walked into the exam room and cheerfully asked how I was doing, I replied, "Shitty". It was clear I made her feel uncomfortable. I didn't care. I was sick of candy coating it. I was infertile and pissed off.

Fast forward six months, and there I was sitting in that same waiting room. This time next to a woman with a newborn. I was amazed at how at ease I felt. It was the first time I didn't feel like chewing on a new mother's nativity and spitting it out, hopefully leaving her to feel just some of my pain. No, this time I sat there not quite feeling like part of the club, but feeling that maybe they'd let me in soon. Feeling, more at peace than I had in a long time.

But how quickly it all came rushing back. Rooted in my belly and more ferocious than ever.

My default is anger. It is a powerful emotion and it puts me in control. I can direct it at specific people or things. I can cut deep with it and feel satisfied that I'm able to inflict pain at will. I don't like how it feels, but it feels better than sadness. Or helplessness. I need to break this habit. Relinquish some control. Put faith in the future. In my future. In my desire to be happy again. It's hard though.

I wasn't prepared for a the call I got today. It was Dr. D. It was her first day back at the clinic and she'd just heard what happened. She said all the right things- all of which I needed to hear from her. She also told me the results of my RPL panel came came back. It was supposed to take ten business days for the results, not two. How often does that happen?

Lots of biology mumbo-jumbo, but the long and short of it was there was an extra chromosome. Chromosome 11 to be exact. Just a twist of nature. Things didn't line up quite as they should. Not conducive to sustainable life. It came from the paternal side- a bad sperm they said. And it was a total fluke. The chances of this happening again are less than 1%.

And, it was a girl.

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Sending you some hugs.
    http://alwayswishhopethinkpray.blogspot.com/

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  2. That is so much to process so soon. It is all so heartbreaking.

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  3. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I hope you find happiness again soon.

    http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com

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  4. ::sigh:: what are the odds... You have had to deal with far more than your fair share of "unfortunate flukes" on this journey and it makes me so angry for you! Why does it seem like a disproportionate amount of women in the IF community are on the unlucky side of statistics like this? "its not fair" is a crude understatement... Thank you for your beautiful comment on my blog - I replied to you there. I'm gonna stick with you through the darkness and back into the light!

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  5. My heart broke when I read your last line. So much information - I am sure it is hard to make sense of it all. I don't understand how so many times the thing that "goes wrong" is not the thing that was "supposed" to go wrong in the first place. It's part of what makes this whole process so frustrating. It seems for every positive step an IF takes, a curve ball gets thrown in the path. I am hoping this is your last obstacle and you are through to the other side soon. Am thinking of you.

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  6. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, your heartbreak, and the unfairness of life. Thinking of you.

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  7. It was so nice talking to you last night. Even though I absolutely hate this situation for both of us, I selfishly am so glad I have someone who understands me so well. Thank you my friend. Thinking of you always.

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  8. Again, I'm sorry. We had a similar experience with one of our miscarriages - a baby with an extra set of chromosomes (triploidy). Also not conducive to life, and it did make me feel a little better to know that it wasn't a perfectly healthy baby that we had lost. It still didn't make the pain go away though. It didn't make me feel less sad or angry at our luck. Those feelings are normal and reasonable, and you're entitled to be pissed that you got the short end of the stick again. It's not fair.

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  9. Just wanting to pass on some *hugs* and say how sorry I am for your loss.
    (Found my way here via Mel's LFCA.)

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  10. Hugs to you!! The anger is totally normal. I still go through it at times. Embrace it as it will make you stronger. Hearing what you were having made my heart drop. It so unfair. I'm so sorry that this is happening.....Bethany

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