Cycle 14, CD 14 (5 DPO)

You know, after reading so many other blogs, I've come to realize that I've *got* to get a sense of humor about this infertility thing. My blog has been nothing but doom and gloom since I started it. And that directly relates to how I've felt this last year. But from here on out I'm going to make a concerted effort to add a little sunshine here and there. At least when I can, because I think it's important. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I've found one that has experience dealing with infertility, so I feel good about that. Maybe I'll even plant a tree. Just kidding. I live in the city- and there is no room for trees. Good and bad with everything, right?

If I could drink right now, I'd raise my glass to you all and toast to 'Laughter while creating babies'.

Boo-yeah.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (3 DPO)

Remember my close friend that got her BFP a few weeks ago? They went in for their 7-week ultrasound the other day. There was no heartbeat. I'm absolutely torn up and couldn't manage to hold back the tears when she told me. Living across the country makes it really hard to wrap my arms around her. To lend the support I know she needs right now. To just be there for her.

I'm also having these horrible feelings of guilt for having such a hard time dealing with their pregnancy announcement. Like when I told her that my heart was breaking right along side hers, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud. Truth be told, we've talked every few days since then and I truly was excited for them. I know she knows that, but I keep thinking that if I was excited right away, she would trust that my grief is real. I don't know.

I was thinking about sending her this handkerchief as a reminder of this tiny baby they loved so much. I don't know if that would be more painful, or if it would be something special to commemorate this little one. I've thankfully never suffered a miscarriage so I'm at a loss for what would be best.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (1 DPO)

Remember how Dr. D wanted me to do a natural cycle this month so we could 1) run a few tests and 2) see if the bleeding happened on it's own? Well, guess what I woke up to this morning? Just 60 hours after my positive OPK I started bleeding. And here I was so positive that it was the Gonal.

I immediately started with the progesterone this morning but I don't have much hope for this cycle anymore. Blood is both toxic to an embryo and active bleeding flushes it out of the uterus. It's not even like we are closer to figuring out what is going on with my stupid body. In actuality, we are even further. I didn't have this bleeding just prior to November. So WTF?

I called my RE's office in the off chance she wanted me to come in for blood work. Personally, I think it's a good idea. I'd like to confirm ovulation. I'd like to see where my estrogen levels are (a likely culprit of all of this). I guess I'd just like more information. But Dr. D isn't big on doing a lot of bloodwork. I mean, she certainly does it and understands its importance, but she also isn't a believer in doing several blood draws each cycle like I know a lot of other RE's do. I don't know. I guess I just wish we had some answers.

My real worry is, what happens next month when we start back with the meds and IUIs. If I go through all that only to start bleeding right after the IUI then we have lost yet another cycle and a large chunk of change. And will continue to be sitting at square one.

UPDATE: A nurse from my clinic just called back and nope, they don't want me to come in. Apparently we have to wait for the biopsy to come back and then go from there. I just feel like getting information from my blood couldn't hurt the situation. It would at least tell us something. Then again, every time I doubt Dr. D it turns out I'm wrong.

And here I had secretly hoped that I'd be one of those women that miraculously got pregnant on her own after undergoing months and months of treatments. Hope is getting scarce around these parts.