Cycle 15, CD 19 (5 DPIUI)

I don't know if it was Trisha's blog post that inspired me to have the craziest baby dream ever, or if I'm just losing it, but man-o-man did I have a whopper of one on Sunday. And, for the record, I never dream about babies. I've always attributed it to my barren uterus, but who knows.

So in the dream, I was struggling to get pregnant (wonder where that came from?) and had been going to see the RE and get my follicles counted, etc. Then one day, I just... gave birth. It was like one of those scenes from I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. You know, because that is totally likely to happen to me.

It was a girl.

And that is as much as I can say without bursting into tears- because she was beautiful and it felt so good to hold her in my arms.

I wish it were an omen.

Cycle 15, CD 14 (2 DPIUI)

I started the progesterone today, but not before the mysterious bleeding started.

I'm crushed.

Cycle 15, CD 14 (1 DPIUI)

I worked myself into such a frenzy the 4 days leading up to Tuesday. I was absolutely 110% positive that I ovulated. I mean, with all my symptoms, how could I not have? Mike looked at me sideways before we went to bed on Monday night and it made my already sore boobs, hurt more. So when we walked into my clinic yesterday morning, I said, "We need to cancel our IUI". I was that sure of myself.

Since my RE wasn't due in for another 30 minutes, a different doctor [my hero of the morning] who overheard me quickly volunteered to do a quick follicle check. That was exactly what I was hoping for, but didn't feel comfortable directly asking for it. I was totally confident in my self-diagnosis and sure we were going to see gaping holes where my beautiful follicles had been just days before. Because after all, who knows my body better than me?

It didn't take long after I jumped into the stirrups to see the 3 beautiful, round, and huge follicles sitting snugly in my ovaries. You can imagine how I felt like the biggest dolt ever. A dolt with a huge-ass smile on her face. I'd never been so happy to be so wrong.

The kind-RE-that-took-pity-on-me was quick to say that I wasn't wrong to think I'd already ovulated. She explained that with multiple mature follicles comes much more estrogen, which makes any symptoms that much more dramatic. And I guess since I had 3, that made sense. I still felt like an idiot though.

All this means is I had a very successful IUI yesterday. Mike produced a brilliant sample that came in at 22mil post wash (go honey!). I've had some of that mysterious bleeding, but nothing bright red and it's more spotting than full on bleeding. I just hope it doesn't change because I can't take the progesterone until tomorrow.

I'm feeling really good about this cycle; better than I have in a long time. The meds worked. All the appointments [and missed work] were worth it. The money spent was for a good cause. The worry proved unnecessary. The stars are finally aligning. My husband even gave my 'balls of cells' a little pep talk last night. He's never done that before. Although, he could have skipped the part about their mom being overly dramatic.Whateves.

Cycle 15, CD 12 (??DPO)

I feel like I've been pulled in a thousand different directions lately and every time I sit down to write- I get yanked away. I don't like how that feels because I have a lot of things on my mind.

Most importantly, I have this insane fear that I've already ovulated. And my IUI isn't until tomorrow. Here's why:

1) I goofed on my Gonal-F dosage and didn't tell Dr. D. I was supposed to be on 75mg for 3 days and then switch to 37.5 for the remaining days. I did 4 days of 75. I didn't mean to, I just spaced it. I've been being monitored, so I didn't tell anyone. Mostly, because I feel like my RE already thinks I'm slow. I don't know why I think this- but I do. I don't want her to think I'm an idiot. But now I'm nervous I goofed things up.
2) I started getting EWCM last Wednesday. Over 6 days ago! I've never had it for more than 3 days before I O'd. I mentioned this to the RE on staff Friday (mine was out of town) and he didn't seem phased. But still, it seems like a lot.
3) My boobs started getting (very) sore on Saturday. From experience, this doesn't usually happen until after the big O.
4) I felt really bloated Saturday. It could be my mind playing tricks on me but I triggered yesterday (which usually makes me hyper away of my overies) and I feel fine today. I don't want to feel fine.
5) Last night, there was a tinge of red when I went to the bathroom. It's that damn mysterious bleeding again. Thankfully it was a very small amount (less than the previous 3 cycles) but still, that usually happens after I ovulate.
6) I'm an idiot and didn't testing OPKs until Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me but if I was flexible enough to kick myself, I totally would.

I don't know if this is all paranoia, or my meds screwing with me, or if it's got some truth to it. I'm going to mention these things when I go in tomorrow, and I'm really hoping that she'll do an u/s before the IUI. Just more reasons for her to think I'm an idiot, but whatever. The last thing I want to do is spend $825.00 on a procedure that has no use.

This not knowing it just making me feel really out of control.

Cycle 15, CD 5

Wow, radio silence for the last two(+) weeks, huh? Unfortunately, no news is not good news. I got my period five days ago.

In an effort to catch you all up as quickly and painlessly as possible, I'll put the highlights in pretty list form: 

• My biopsy results came back: big fat NORMAL. Is it bad that I was hoping something would show up? I'm desperate to put a face to all of this. Unfortunately, I'm still left hanging. From all the tests I've had, you'd think I was a healthy lady. Alas, we know that is not the case. 
• I finally met with my new endocrinologist. She was great and sent me for a battery of autoimmune disease/disorder tests. She seemed pretty sure everything would come back a-ok, but wanted to cover her bases. Good girl.
• I found out that my 40 year old sister is in full blown menopause. 
• That last one needed a bullet all to itself. I made my mom repeat the news 3 different times because I was sure I didn't hear her right. Apparently this started 2 years ago when she was 38(ish). For the record, I am currently 35 years old. It's not like I've not been shy with my sister about everything that has been going on with our infertility either. Why she didn't think this was important to tell me?! I'm not going to even go into it because I'm so fucking furious. When I reported this news to my endocrinologist, she said that early menopause could be autoimmune related (antibodies attacking ovaries). Next, my RE immediately sent me for an Anti Mullerian Hormone level test. Apparently this is supposed to be a better indicator than FSH and estradiol for ovarian reserve and tell me how far from menopause I am. Still waiting for the results. I just can't believe I'm even talking about menopause right now. I'm sure I'll delve deeper into this later, but right now I'm just pissed.
• At my CD2 u/s, we decided to go with the Gonal-F again this cycle. Since we now know the weird bleeding during ovulation was not caused by the meds, we figured we'd stick with it since I responded well to it previously. She also prescribed some antibiotics just in case I have an infection that is causing the bleeding. I'm not optimistic that is the issue. However, as long as things go as planned, we'll be doing an IUI sometime next week. 
• I started seeing a therapist. It was time. Crazy T was coming out to play too much. Have any of you watched United States of Tara on Showtime? If not, it's about a woman with multiple personality disorder (DID) and all the craziness that that entails. Well, I feel like I have several alters too. Crazy T is my angry-pissed-off-at-the-world-infertile alter. Margret is my I-can't-crawl-out-of-the-black-infertile-hole alter. Bobby is the infertile-alcoholic. There are a few more in there, but those are the main players. So yeah, therapy was the necessary next step. I think I need to feel her out some more before I make my final decision, but so far I think I like her ('I' meaning Bobby).

Cycle 14, CD 14 (11 DPO)

Holy shit.

I just deleted my Facebook account.

I feel 1,000,000,000 pounds lighter already.

Cycle 14, CD 14 (10 DPO)

I'm still waiting for the results from that horrifyingly awful endometrial biopsy. I was told that they would be back within 2 weeks. Today was day 17... so I broke down and called.

They still aren't back.

In high school I was a hostess at a local restaurant. On the weekends we would get super busy and in turn, the wait would get really long. I always told people that the wait time was at least 20 to 30 minutes longer than I knew it would be. That way, when I finally called their name, they were absolutely thrilled that they got called early.

Why can't my clinic institute the same policy?

Cycle 14, CD 14 (9 DPO)

I've been doing weirdly well for the last two weeks. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but  the days keep coming and I keep feeling, dare I say it... good?!

Yes, I've been feeling really, really GOOD for two weeks. I seriously can't remember the last time that happened.

I've started taking extended walks with the pooch after work. I've chatted with my mom without busting into tears. I started dieting and am doing mostly ok on it (lost 3 lbs in 3 weeks). I've been having spontaneous sex with my husband (what? what!). I have been laughing and sleeping well and not seeing doom and gloom everywhere I look. I may have even smiled at a woman pushing a stroller the other day. Yes, crazy-town.

Maybe I'm learning how to cope with infertility better? Maybe I'm just more at ease because of this natural cycle that we were forced to take. I have to say, it's been fabulous without all the doctors appointments and medications. Or maybe it's the 75 degree weather we've been having. Whatever it is though, I'll take some more thank you.