I haven't updated on my progress much this cycle. After 13 days of Follistim and a trigger last night, I'm headed in for an IUI tomorrow at 8:30AM.
And I'm scared shitless.
It's not been a good cycle. I've not reacted well to the Follistim (not many follicles, and the ones I do have are growing very slowly or actually shrinking), my TSH skyrocketed because of the estrogen they have me on (to counteract the ovulation bleeding), and despite taking too many OPK tests to count- I'm still not sure if that line is a positive or not.
I have a bad habit of damning my chances at success before I'm out of the gate, but this has been the worst cycle to date. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I'm just scared it will never work. But with everything I have going against me right now, do we really go ahead and drop an additional $800 on an IUI? The answer is yes, of course. But I can't help but feel like we're throwing money out the window because I'm too stubborn to say when to call it off.
...And I keep getting baby announcements despite cancelling my facebook account.
...And mothers day is coming up and, that hurts. I actually had to leave the store while buying cards for my mom and my mother in law today because the tears just started streaming down my face.
...And my husband is mad at me because I don't want to have sex every day. Givemeafuckingbreakplease.
...And I've had two different people tell me this week, "Oh, only a year an a half? That's not long at all." And maybe it isn't. God knows there are women in this community that could lap me 10 times over. But thinking and hoping and wanting the exact same thing every single one of those 547 days certainly *feels* like a long time.
Pity party table for one please.