Cycle 17, CD 4

When my Dr. D walked in the room at my CD2 appointment on Tuesday, I exclaimed, "I missed you! It's like we broke up for a few months, but now we are back together!" I'm glad that: 1) I am comfortable enough with her that I can say stuff like this because, who are we kidding, I see her more than my closest friends and 2) she puts up with my crazy.

A summary of how things went:

• I didn't get the answers I was looking for regarding the miscarriage, but I knew I probably wouldn't. "It was early, it could have been a million things, there is just no way to know..." Moving on. 
• My TSH came back at 1.58 which means that we can proceed with this cycle. That news alone made me break out into a smile big enough to make my cheeks hurt. 
• When I explained that I had no ovulation bleeding this month, Dr. D looked puzzled. And right on cue, she suggested that I switch up my medications slightly:  
• Starting Follistim 50 iu until next follicle check and then we'll see if we need to readjust.
• Adding Estradiol mid-cycle (maybe). I'm a bit nervous about this because estrogen pushes my TSH numbers up (as we saw last time). My Endo instructed me to increase my Synthroid dosage preemptively if I take it again. I hate tinkering with things that make my thyroid numbers go wonky because: 1) it reacts violently to small changes and 2) the window where things are optimal for fertility purposes is exceedingly small. 
• Changing up my progesterone type. I've already been on Crinone and Endometrin but she said there was one other kind she'd like to try some sort of compounded progesterone? This is because when I was pregnant (but didn't know) and stopped the progesterone I immediately began bleeding and so thinks I may be extra sensitive to even small changes.
• I head back on Saturday for a follicle check. 
• IUI is scheduled (tentatively) for a week from next Saturday. 

Guess I'm officially back on the gravy train. 

Cycle 17, CD 1

I can't begin to tell you how nice it was to get out of the city- even if it was just for a few days. Our little get away was amazing. It was this wonderfully little artsy place out in the middle of nowhere. Mike and I indulged in the sun, the silence, and the complete tranquility of it all.

And then this morning I woke up with my period. Which I knew was coming because I've been spotting for the last 4 days (no progesterone this month). So tomorrow at 8:00am I'll see Dr. D for the first time in a long time, talk about what went wrong, and how we are going to move forward from here. I'm scared and relieved and apprehensive and excited all at the same time. Nothing like coming out of a waiting pattern to drum up the 'ole emotions again.

Cycle 16 (sometime after ovulation)

We've had a little movement on the home-front folks. Perhaps I won't be in a holding pattern for the rest of my life after all. I had a +OPK on April 8 and 9 (along with four days of EWCM) so when I went to Dr. D's office for my first post-beta bloodwork on the 12th, I was fairly positive I knew what the results were going to be.

And indeed, my HCG was sitting pretty at zero. My progesterone and estradoil levels showed that I had ovulated. However, because of where my levels were, the doc thought it had happened much earlier in the week. I'd eat my hat if I found out I'm not 10DPO right now though. The disappointing result was my TSH (no surprise there). It came back at 2.82 which is still far too high for a girl with Hashimotos that is trying to get knocked up. Apparently it can take up to 6 weeks for my TSH to restabilize and since it had only been 3 weeks at that point, I was told to wait and retest in a few weeks. Hrmph. 

Want to know something else that is interesting? No mysterious ovulation bleeding this month. Crazy right? To remind you, the pattern went as follows: 

• Never had any weird bleeding prior to starting injectables
• 1st cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding
• 2nd cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding
• Natural cycle: ovulation bleeding (but a little lighter)
• 3rd cycle with Gonal-F: ovulation bleeding & pregnancy
• Natural cycle to recover from miscarriage: no ovulation bleeding

I'm going to venture a guess and say that if I go back on Gonal-F next cycle, the bleeding will reappear. That said, apparently I can still get pregnant if there is bleeding, which my RE didn't think was possible. She also didn't think the Gonal-F was the culprit because she'd never seen or heard of anything like that before. Or maybe she will try a different kind of injectable? It will be really interesting to hear what she thinks about all this during my next visit- which will hopefully be next week sometime. 

In the meantime, Mike and I are headed down to spend the weekend at a secluded getaway. We'll have 10 acres of horse ranch, a steaming hottub, and all the non-diet food we can get our grubby hands on. Though we both have to bring some work with us, I'm hoping that the peace and tranquility will do us both well. 

Cycle 16 (sometime after ovulation)

I've been working like mad the last few weeks. Pulling insane hours. My last day off was over a month ago. There isn't any more work to do than normal. No one asked me to do this. I just grabbed onto a few projects and didn't let go. It dawned on me the other day that maybe I am subconsciously doing this to try to distract myself from obsessive baby thoughts.

I haven't felt proud about anything for a long time. Quite the contrary, I've felt like an absolute failure. It's hard working for something for almost a year and a half only to have nothing to show for it. So maybe if I redirect that energy to my day job, I'll have something to be proud of. Maybe I'll feel good about myself again. 

Problem is, I'm not really sure it works that way. 

My blog reading schedule fell down the crapper last week. I woke up this morning at 5:30 to get all caught up. So though I may not have written any comments- do know that I've read each and every one of your posts. I'm cheering those follies on with some of you, being anxious waiting for symptoms & results with others, and jumping up and down with my pompoms rejoicing with Trisha.  

Cycle 16 (in limbo)

Every day I think about posting. And every day I realize I don't have much to say. So I don't.

It's been 32 days since I last saw my doctor. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were breaking up. I'm due in for b/w this Thursday. I wonder if I'll remember how to get there. They very well could have moved offices by now.

I'm fairly certain that I'm gearing up to ovulate. EWCM showed yesterday. OPK was decently dark last night. That said, I've never been so unenthusiastic to ovulate. I guess it's because I know that I could have sex with my husband every 15 minutes for the next 7 days and there is no way it will work. So, I'll have to wait for my next cycle to start before we're back on the bandwagon. That is, provided my thyroid is willing to cooperate. And we know he's a fickle one.

I wish I could say this was a welcomed break. Even emotionally. But it's not been. I think I tried to convince myself that this would give me a chance to regroup and be that much stronger when it was time to go back. I tried to organize my life and attack a few things that had been left 1/2 done around the house. I tried not to think about anything fertility related. I even taught myself how to rewire an electrical outlet and make keylime pie from scratch. But when it comes down to it, I'm in the exact same place.

I think Trisha said it best today: "Life is the same as it always is, me hurting and un-pregnant trying to get through life pretending like I am ok".

My sister called my yesterday. There was a lull in the conversation and I knew what was coming (in that horrible, hushed voice she uses), "So, how are you doing with everything?"

How the fuck am I supposed to be doing? I'm 35, I have no baby, I cry daily, I'm not living my life, I fight with my husband because he just doesn't seem to get it, I hate how I look, I have lost faith that this will ever happen for me, I cannot relate to anyone anymore, I have no energy, no drive, no passion, I feel abandoned by everyone, I look forward to bedtime so I can escape myself for at least 8 hours, and I fell and sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago and think that is the universe's way of laughing even harder at me.

Instead, I said "Oh pretty good".

Cycle 16 (in limbo)

I was going to write something about acupuncture today, but when I read Cristy's news last night, everything else seemed so inconsequential. If you have not already, I do ask that you send some healing her way. Her world is dark and though we cannot change things, we can support her in her grief.